difficult situation re children

hazeyjewel

no

She is being very unreasonable imo:(

dipsy

Further update, due to lack of transport partner was unable to go to fetch the children at the weekend - my car was in the garage - childrens mum now saying she is going to seek legal advice re access to the children, what can he do/where does he stand, just to state the children were moved to the other end of country without his consent...

he got the children a mobile as suggested, she is now saying she is putting it in the bin.....:-(

any help /advice gratefully received

Thanks x

Loretta

dipsy wrote: »

Further update, due to lack of transport partner was unable to go to fetch the children at the weekend - my car was in the garage - childrens mum now saying she is going to seek legal advice re access to the children, what can he do/where does he stand, just to state the children were moved to the other end of country without his consent...

he got the children a mobile as suggested, she is now saying she is putting it in the bin.....:-(

any help /advice gratefully received

Thanks x

Now you know for sure that see that she is being deliberately awkward.

I would wait and see what she does next. There is no reason why, if you receive a solicitor's letter, you could not answer it yourselves at this stage. Maybe post on here what the solicitor says and someone may be able to help. Is there a court order for access? is there a written agreement for it? If the solicitor's letter says don't come you can't have them, this does not make it definite only a court order can do that. I think you will have to go through the motions

When is the next access visit? I think that you must presume that it is going ahead as usual and do what you usually do before the visit, do you phone her or does she phone you or does he just turn up?

I would not try to bring it to a head just continue as usual. Up until now she has moved them without telling you, which is pretty sneaky, she is suggesting that access wil be denied, not good, so at the moment for no reason she is stating to do things wrong and so far you have not done anything wrong so try and keep it that way. If what is in the solicitor's letter seems unreasonable that will be something else she has done wrong so you are slowly building a scenario.

I think your should, at the moment just sit it out, continue as normal and let her show she is being the awkward one. Eventually a judge may ask her why she is being unreasonable

Good luck

choccymoose

Hi We had this problem with my OH ex - when the eldest was 5 they moved 5 hours away and although court order states that travelling should be shared by mother and father she will not compromise - this means that OH has to do the 10 hr round tripey which is not safe really. Now that the children are 17 and 14 we have suggested that they catch a train (there is a direct one ) and we would pay for the tickets. But no this is not suitable to the ex and she will not take children to train station. 17 year old really fed up with all the barriers that her mum has put in place to disrupt contact but luckily she is adament that contact sould continue. she calls her dad when she wants to come down if its ok with us we will pick her up. 14 year old has to abide by the times stated in court order . Madness :mad:
Again same happened with phone so we bought a mobile for the children- this did work for a while, however it used to be left off or not charged. Now children are older they both have phones and e-mail accounts which makes it so much easier to communicate.

Luckily with all the barriers that were put up by the ex we still have a good relationship with the kids and are off on holiday in 8 weeks time with them and our own two which we are all looking forward too!!!

keep your chin up i know its frustrating being the step-mum and having to stay calm whem all of this is going on

hobo28

dipsy wrote:

Further update, due to lack of transport partner was unable to go to fetch the children at the weekend - my car was in the garage - childrens mum now saying she is going to seek legal advice re access to the children, what can he do/where does he stand, just to state the children were moved to the other end of country without his consent...

Seek legal advice about what? The fact he missed his contact time and she wants to make sure he does it? Or about granting him less contact? The latter would be difficult for her to do given his already limited time and also it would mean she's less time to herself.

Personally I think its a hollow threat. I'd probably let her vent and shout and just ignore it.

She's unlikely to take you to court over one missed visit and a judge is hardly going to change access given your legitimate reasons for missing contact. In fact, if by some weird chance it does happen, i'd take the opportunity to ask the court to order her to share the driving! That should give her something to think about!

Its just a game and unfortunately she does have the stronger hand. Take the high moral ground and let her petty tantrums show herself up. If you rise to it and show her your upset then she's winning. Stay calm and show her it doesn't bother you and your denying her the satisfaction of seeing you both hurt.

emma12345

yes

I'm sorry but this is not about her or you 'winning' or 'losing'. It's not a game. These are real children and were probably upset at not seeing their dad, surely you have to see her point of view too?

Somewhere along the line both parents need to sit down and have an adult chat about this.

The biggest cause of absent dads (and mums) losing all contact with their children is because of their hostility and nastiness towards the parent with care. Might not be fair but it's the truth.

It might be wise for your OH to be extra friendly for the sake of the kids even if your OH has to bite his tongue. After all it's tough to be the part time dad, but it's even tougher to be a single parent and deal with the fallout from the kids upset at their absent dad. Life is incrediably tough physically and emotionally as a single parent (either dad or mum) so while I can see your point of view, and yes in some parts she may be being unreasonable, some understanding and appreciation of her is needed if only to soften the situation.

Solicitors cost a lot of money and in many cases heighten the hostility and make the situation worse. And even though you had a legitimate reason not to see the kids it could still be held against you. It might be sensible to get something in writing about visit times but be reasonable.

Be kind. Forget about scoring points. And yes I have been a single parent in the past and have had to grit my teeth to be accommodating to keep the kids in contact with their dad so I know it's not easy whichever position you're in. But the kids come first.

Good luck

Em

Lady_S

emma12345 wrote: »

The biggest cause of absent dads (and mums) losing all contact with their children is because of their hostility and nastiness towards the parent with care. Might not be fair but it's the truth.

That comes across as quite bitter.

I would say the main cause for absent parents not seeing their children is hostility between both parents. I don't think it just comes from one direction.

hobo28

emma12345 wrote: »

I'm sorry but this is not about her or you 'winning' or 'losing'. It's not a game. These are real children and were probably upset at not seeing their dad, surely you have to see her point of view too?

I'm of course using the game as an analogy. Of course its not a real game and the only real winners are the solicitors. The losers are the children every time. But in lots of ways it is. You each have a starting point and what you will accept/not. Then you both dance around handbags sending snottograms via solicitors until a judge decides for you. If you've ever been unfortunate enough to have to go through a court battle then you would know what i meant. But as I say it was an analogy!

emma12345 wrote: »

Somewhere along the line both parents need to sit down and have an adult chat about this.

The biggest cause of absent dads (and mums) losing all contact with their children is because of their hostility and nastiness towards the parent with care. Might not be fair but it's the truth.

Your assuming both parents are willing to sit and talk. Unfortunately many parents are not able to put their hostility towards each other above the interests of their kids.

I also think more children lose their dads because the PWC makes it too difficult to maintain a decent level of contact. Luckily most parents don't use their kids as pawns.

V_tricky

no

Hi,

I really feel for you - there is a charity called Families Need Fathers who are fantastic. Their website has been updated since I last needed to take a look at it, but contained a lot of information which helped our family resolve (unfortunately via the courts) a long running problem.

Our solicitor was worse than useless though, and we ended up writing every single letter back to the other side's solicitor which was then cut & pasted onto our solicitors headed paper (and we were charged a princely sum, I might add) - this even included the final Court Order! I guess at least we had it drawn up the way we wanted though. The judge said that it was the longest contact order he'd seen....

Still, it was the right thing to do as the relationship between the two joined families was becoming worse and worse, and if it hadn't been nipped in the bud (albeit 5 years later than it should have been) then we could just see it degenerating and the relationship between the child & both sides of their family suffering.

Still am counting down the years though.

I hope you can find a way of negotiating with her, and although the word court sounds very scary - it can at least be something irrefutable for all parties.

Best thoughts with you



NB - If you can keep a record of dates & times of pick up & collection - including receipts from a local to her petrol station it might be useful. She may well lie and say that he's been missing visits all the time, or being late etc and the children are probably too young to be able to speak up for themselves

Edited to add: Your partner is going to have to negotiate on all the issues - THIS and THIS might help realise what are potential future issues, so you can have some sort of an agreement on them before they even arise

V_tricky

no

emma12345 wrote: »

The biggest cause of absent dads (and mums) losing all contact with their children is because of their hostility and nastiness towards the parent with care. Might not be fair but it's the truth.

Oh please. Do you have any evidence to show that this is in any way shape or form true?