difficult situation re children

dipsy

Hi guys & gals

Hope that someone can help me out here.....


I have a new partner who has 2 children from his previous relationship, his children are aged 6 & 8, basically his ex moved the children without consulting him 5 hours away from where he lives, first he knew was when the "new" school phoned to ask something about the children and their start date.

He sees them every other weekend driving 10 hour round trip to bring them back and then again 2 days later to take them back home.

He phones them each evening to find out how their day has gone.

quite alot of the time when he calls his ex will say they are busy and won't let him talk to them, she doesn't tell them he has called either so the children are not aware that he is trying to contact them.

One most recent things is that last weekend (it was 1/2 term and he had them for the week), he was due to take the children back on Friday and on the wednesday she announced she was working and could not have them back until 8pm on the saturday evening, which meant that he didn't get back home till after 2am Sunday morning. Her alternative suggestion was that he bring them back by 10 am on sunday, which would have meant setting off at 4:30 am with the children - which in my opinion is completly out of the question.

Anyway when he took them back on Saturday she wouldn't allow him to drop the children to the house where she was stopping, but insisted he meet her at Mcdonalds and hand the children over there. This meant that the children had to wait in mcdonalds till she arrived, the place was full of drunks/loud teenagers etc.

Having to then go out into the cold and wait for the luggage to be transfered from one car to the other, whereas if they had gone to the house the children would not have needed to hang about whilst the luggage was off loaded.

My question really is how can we try and get her to be more reasonable or is she being reasonable and it is us being over sensitive?

I really don't see that she has the childrens best wishes at heart in all her actions, it is very upsetting as the children get upset, my partner gets upset and in turn upsets me.

What can we do?

any suggestions welcomed x x

izoomzoom

no

i say no.

quick reply on issues : eldest is prob able to determine when both are 'free' to talk on tel so try and fix it that dad will call at x time everyday so exw can't say dot because children will be expecting call.

mcd def isn't place to handover - doesn't eldest know her address and handover at home.

re times & travelling time TELL (not ask) exw that eg 10am is unreasonable so we will drop off at x time taking into accounting waking (&bed) times and travelling times.

exw seems like she is having everything her way - inc sat night out :mad:

floss2

No its not reasonable.

Your OH should check the details of the contact arrangements, and he should always be aware of where his children are staying in case of an accident or emergency.

Perhaps a letter from his solicitor to her is required? Detailing handover times & contact arrangements?

Or why not buy the kids a basic mobile phone, lock it so nobody can make calls from it & keep it topped up - then he can phone them at times arranged with them.

dipsy

nothing formal (through solicitors)......

it would just be nice if she would give a little instead of controlling the situation all the time - I really am at a loss why she has to be this way.

when all said and done it has an effect on the children and it would be nice to think that she would put their needs before her own.

Guess I am just lucky in that my ex and I tend to discuss the children and try and accommodate each other when there are changes to arrangements etc.

That said my ex only lives 20 mins away so not quite the same issues really.

Thanks for your comments, always useful to get other peoples points of views on any situation...

floss2

dipsy wrote: »

nothing formal (through solicitors).........

Do you mean he has nothing formal, or it was set up through solicitors?

If he has nothing formal, then I suggest he considers making it formal - but don't forget that could cause more problems before it solves these ones.

If the arrangements were set up via solicitors, then he should review what was agreed, and ask his solicitor to write & confirm what was agreed, clarifying anything that he is not happy with.

bestpud

Does his ex drive, or is she able to meet him half way, or even collect the children herself?

Personally, with the half term change of plan, I'd be saying she changed the arrangements so she can come and get them. Or go back to the original plan!

What is she trying to hide at home is another thing I'd be asking.

I think your OH could do with seeing a solicitor, if only to chat about his options.

thanksalot

no

I would definitely be very firm with her.
Offer her the chance to behave like a reasonable adult and if she doesn't take the matters to a solicitor.
If she is going to try and manipulate the children against their Dad, he needs to make sure he is legally protected to ensure fair access.

I don't agree with meeting in Mc Donald's either.
Good luck.

dipsy

floss2 wrote: »

Do you mean he has nothing formal, or it was set up through solicitors?

If he has nothing formal, then I suggest he considers making it formal - but don't forget that could cause more problems before it solves these ones.

If the arrangements were set up via solicitors, then he should review what was agreed, and ask his solicitor to write & confirm what was agreed, clarifying anything that he is not happy with.

Nothing formal and nothing through solicitors.......

Mojisola

no

Start logging all these incidents - and you and OH need to stay calm and reasonable whatever she does. Don't be tempted to retaliate - that might be what she wants.

If she continues to be unreasonable you'll probably have to go to a solicitor.

hobo28

I don't think ex's behaviour is reasonable and I admire your partner's dedication in doing a 10 hour round trip to see his kids. Many father's would have just given up.

However, I would warn you both to be careful if you do decide to get firmer. The reason is that what can happen is ex will simply refuse all contact in order to punish your partner. At that point you have to involve solicitors and courts. This can take months, if not years and cost tens of thousands of pounds. The result is also not guaranteed and the longer she delays and withholds contact, the stronger her case gets and the weaker yours gets. Any court order is barely enforcable if she decides to be awkward.

Yes she's being a bit of a cow in dictating terms but at the moment your partner gets to see the kids regularly and gets to have them over the holidays. Its not nice feeling like you must kowtow to the ex's whims but trust me things can get much much worse.

My advice is if at all possible to bite your tongue and choose carefully which battles to fight.

Rikki

yes

I thought the poll was for unreasonable behaviour. I voted yes and it should be no.