Uber Rant. Partners not sharing goals, etc

Sarahx

GreyPilgrim wrote: »

But then again, telling someone that swapping to an alternative strategy to their's is a "no-brainer" suggests that they are stupid, doesn't it?

Eer yea we could have had this cleared up ages ago if you put that in the original post!! Quick go grovel now!!:rotfl:

GreyPilgrim

As a total aside, we signed up for a canoeing course this weekend. Thought it would be a nice thing to do 'together', and also a fun way to get a bit of exercise. Sh*t....I have to be on Hollingworth lake in 8 hours time. I'm extremely drunk now and don't know whether it's worth going to bed...I might sleep in. Maybe I should stay awake and turn up drunk....

I tried it briefly last month and fell in, and almost drowned. Why didn't I go to bed earlier?

thevinternet

Hi Grey,

Thanks for posting your epic story tonight. The thing is, and I may get shot for turning it round here, but...

....why does it bother you so much that she doesn't agree with you, and wants to do it her way?

See, you seem to be confused as to why she won't just let you crack on with doing things your way, but from her point of view, she's let you have control over the finances for several years.

Whilst you've done a wonderful job at getting the pair of you out of debt, I think that maybe your OH just wants a bit that she is in control of. Maybe she enjoys doing the grocery shopping from her own cash, who knows. Maybe she's just resisting the change because she likes things the way they are. Maybe she feels like you're treading on her toes...you'd have to ask her to find out.

But if she's really bothered by it, and it's causing rows, then I say just let her do it her way hun. What's better....a harmonious environment and an unresentful partner, or as you put it, an extra couple of quid a year?

I know that most of us on here go savings mad once we get a taste for it, but when there's two of you involved, I genuinely believe that you have to be careful not to come across as a miserly old sod.

I'm not calling you a miserly sod by the way!!

I'm just saying that it's a very unattractive quality in a partner, and it's something to avoid. So if that's the way she's perceiving you at the moment, I think it's better to back down. You can't have everything your own way in a relationship, as I'm sure you know.

Please don't be offended; as a woman I'm just trying to call it the way I see it.

Hope you resolve it soon,
V xxx

dannynixon

Hey a canoeing course?

You could mention the idea to her again while your in the middle of the water. She would have no chance but to listen, lol

Im going to bed now so night night people

Have fun at the weekend GP, night to you to sarah

Sarahx

Stop the drink (for tonight!). Be happy you are no longer in debt. Go and get some sleep and have a lovely day tomorrow. If SHE mentions it tell her she's more important than CCs and £. You will be much much happier in 24 hours taking this approach and debt is pants, having money is lovely, but at what cost?

Sweet dreams and go have a brilliant, fun child free day tomorrow

x

Sarahx

Night night DN - You are soooo funny

x

GreyPilgrim

thevinternet wrote: »

Please don't be offended; as a woman I'm just trying to call it the way I see it.

Thanks for the comments hon. No offence taken.I promise.

I have a real problem seeing others points of view...I'm well aware of that. I tend to have an internal knee-jerk strop, then I go away and work it out, and then I come back and deal with it...that''s why I find DFW feedback helpfull!!

It's just that from my black and white point of view:

at the end of the day we both put in the same amount of money,
we get the same result (food in fridge, bills paid, savings saved)
but doing it my way, we get a couple of pounds extra from doing it through my card.

I don't like seeing my salary as "my money" and her money as "her money"...I want to see it as "our money"

To me it's all 'our families' money, and any money we save is 'ours', rather than 'mine' or 'hers's

(too many apostrophe's there, I know...)

I insist on total financial transparancey....even though my wife lets me do all the day to day stuff, the records are always there for her to check on (it's not that I think she doesn't trust me, it's more in case I get hit by a bus and she has take control of stuff)

I just want to get THE ABSOLUTE MAXIMUM FROM THE MONEY THAT WE WORK FOR GOING INTO OUR FAMILY FUND, RATHER INTO THE BANKING /CREDIT CARD SYSTEM, because by god, I've funded those scumbags for longer than they deserve.

thevinternet

GreyPilgrim wrote: »

Thanks for the comments hon. No offence taken.I promise.

I have a real problem seeing others points of view...I'm well aware of that. I tend to have an internal knee-jerk strop, then I go away and work it out, and then I come back and deal with it...that''s why I find DFW feedback helpfull!!

It's just that from my black and white point of view:

at the end of the day we both put in the same amount of money,

But she doesn't have 50% of control of the money, does she? You want 100% say over where it goes, despite the fact it's causing problems?

we get the same result (food in fridge, bills paid, savings saved)
but doing it my way, we get a couple of pounds extra from doing it through my card.

If you're already saving all that cash a year (and well done on that by the way), is this extra few pounds really worth all the hassle?

I don't like seeing my salary as "my money" and her money as "her money"...I want to see it as "our money"

If it's "our money" then she has a right to have a say in how you manage it, whether you agree with her or not. Even if her way doesn't make sense to you, it is still her viewpoint, and therefore valid. You can't always change people's minds by arguing with them.

To me it's all 'our families' money, and any money we save is 'ours', rather than 'mine' or 'hers's

(too many apostrophe's there, I know...)

I insist on total financial transparancey....

Ok, that sentence sounds slightly scary to be honest! If my OH insisted on anything with me, he'd get a smack in the mouth!

even though my wife lets me do all the day to day stuff, the records are always there for her to check on (it's not that I think she doesn't trust me, it's more in case I get hit by a bus and she has take control of stuff)

I just want to get THE ABSOLUTE MAXIMUM FROM THE MONEY THAT WE WORK FOR GOING INTO OUR FAMILY FUND, RATHER INTO THE BANKING /CREDIT CARD SYSTEM, because by god, I've funded those scumbags for longer than they deserve.

Ok, I can appreciate that you've been through a rough time with your debts. But you're hurting your wife's feelings, not the banking system.

All I'm saying is...is this battle really worth it?!
By getting control over your finances, you've already won the war.

GreyPilgrim

thevinternet wrote: »

If you're already saving all that cash a year (and well done on that by the way), is this extra few pounds really worth all the hassle?

You see, that's EXACTLY MY POINT! If we let 'oh, it's only a couple of pounds so it doesn't really matter' cloud our judgement, then the whole thing falls down....all our savings are bases on that precise basis!!! The whole point of my post is that judged individually, a couple of quid means nothing, but overall it makes a massive difference!!!

thevinternet wrote: »

If it's "our money" then she has a right to have a say in how you manage it, whether you agree with her or not. Even if her way doesn't make sense to you, it is still her viewpoint, and therefore valid. You can't always change people's minds by arguing with them.

Exactly. I'm aware it's my own lack of communication skills thats at fault here matey. I get fixated on my ideas being 'right', and then assume that everyone else should see my point of view. I admit it's a fault of mine.

thevinternet wrote: »

I insist on total financial transparancey....
Ok, that sentence sounds slightly scary to be honest! If my OH insisted on anything with me, he'd get a smack in the mouth!

I hope you're being ironic there! When I say I 'insist on total financial transparency', I mean I 'insist that my wife has total visibilty on what I'm doing, and where our money is going, so that if anything happened to me she would know exactly where all our money is"!!!

thats all I meant there!!

thevinternet

Okey-cokey.

I do get where you're going with the point of your 'save a few quid here and there' policy. But if it's working 95% of the time, you can let it slide once for the sake of a bit of peace and harmony. Just once, not all the time....just once. It won't make everything crumble like a pack of cards....maybe you could put the energy you are currently using on arguing to try and find another way to save a couple of bob that your wife would prefer instead? That might be more constructive and make you both happier...try looking on the Quidco website for your next car insurance deal to get some cashback instead.:money:

I'm loving your awareness about your communication problem - most people don't have a clue what their faults are in a relationship so good on you. :T And fair play to you for making sure that she knows what you're doing with cash all the time, but that doesn't mean that she has to be the same way.;)

I'm sending out some love your way to reharmonise your household.....you need to give your wife a big hug and let her do it her way though. lol.

Much love,
xxx