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Uber Rant. Partners not sharing goals, etc
GreyPilgrim
Posts: 1,636 Forumite
I want to winge for a bit so I hope you'll indulge me. It's friday, I've given lots of helpful advice and encouragement to others in my time so I think I deserve payback and I've had more than one glass of wine 
I know it's a common theme on this forum - one half of a marriage / partnership has the lightbulb moment and see's how much money they are throwing away, and they try their best to convince the other half that with a little bit of effort they could turn the tables on their debt situation. I had my moment a few years ago.
I've always been a 'buy now pay later' person. I didn't think debt was a problem, as long as I was making minimum payments. My idea of a safety net was to get as many credit cards as I could, so that as well as day to day living, I could also have a couple of thousand to hand 'just in case' a big emergency appeared. Going to a a cashpoint was a lucky dip - I would type in my pin, request £20 and then cross my fingers and hope the machine didn't swallow my card. Statements went in the bin.
Moving in with my girlfiend (now my wife) and stepdaughter gave me a new outlook. I decided to get rid of all my debts and after a couple of years, I did. Then we attacked my wifes debts, and then we became debt free.
Then, realising that I had some spare cash that wasn't going to loan companies / credit card companies, I decided to google 'SAVINGS ACCOUNTS' and completely by accident I came across this site.
(coming across a debt-free-wannabee site like this AFTER you have become debt free the hard way is perhaps a really good definition of 'irony')
It was only after reading through this site I realise how stupid I had actually been. I knew that my debt was a problem, but a big part of me was stupid enough to think that 'I owe the credit card companies X thousands, but I only have to pay them the minimum payments back of £x a month. hahaha, I am having a great time at their expense'. Why the hell did I turn a blind eye to the fact that over a 12 year period I had probably paid back thousands more than I needed to?
The situation now is that we are debt free, and have managed to save a couple of thousand in ISA's.
I have said before that I feel incredibly awkward saying this in the DFW forum because I'm always a little scared it could be seen as bragging in front of people who still have serious debts, thats why I've taken my debt free date out of my signature. I hope no-one infers that I'm rubbing my own circumstances in their faces because I'm not, I promise.
The problem now is, I really don't know whether I'm becoming obsessed with it all.
I've formed a few 'habits' which I personally think are good, solid ones, but which my wife seems to have a problem with.
My philosophy (if you can call it that) now is 'if I can make a saving, however small, and it doesn't affect our quality of life, then I will implement it'.
I don't think any saving is too small, because I think if you can apply that philosophy to lots of aspects of your life, then each one adds up to a massive difference when you start looking at things over the course of the years.
For example, like many people on here, I never ever use cash unless it is absolutely necessary. My salary goes into the bank, but I live on my credit card. I carefully monitor my expenditure and never go over what I expect to be paid the following month. When payday comes, I pay off the balance in full.
Result? - I don't get charged any interest by my credit card company and I earn a couple of pounds interest on my wages each month. it maybe saves me £50 a year in interest charges on the credit card, and it maybe earns me £10 a year in interest payments from my bank. Thats £60. Thats maybe a pound a week. I know it sounds laughable.
But apply that to as many aspects as you can...
I get discounted movie channels because I work for a cable company. It turns out that we rarely actually watch the movie channels, and the rate we DO watch them, we could actually rent DVD's and still spend less (even though we get them at a discounted rate). We could save £150 a year. By itself, thats about £3 a week. Nothing really, is it?
We have money in previous year's ISA that we could have left with the banks that we originally deposited the money with, but instead I arranged for us both to transfer them to higher saving ones. It's not much of a percentage rate difference, but over a single year it might earn us an extra £50. By itself, thats about a £1 a week. Nothing really, is it?
I got a credit card offer through with a £5,000 limit on it and a 0% balance transfer offer for 12 months on it. I decided to try 'stoozing' and transferred the cash to a high interest account. Each month I pay off the minimum payment, but place a regular amount of money into a high interest account so that I can pay off the remaining balance in full. Result? We get the interest on the initial sum borrowed, and we also earn interest on the money we are stacking up on the cash we are saving to pay off the card when the balance deal ends.
After the balance transfer fees, it will probably earn us about £300. Thats a few quid a week. Nothing really, is it?
Do you see what I'm getting at?
I have applied the principle of 'even if it's a little, it still counts' to everything I do.
There is a bit of friction in the house at the moment, because everything I am doing is seen as a 'mad, penny pinching scheme' because it's only seen in isolation. It's not seen as a little part of a bigger, more sensible philosophy.
From my point of view, I'm actually earning this family an extra £2000 a year, at the very least. Not just the positive money that we're earning, but also because we're NOT being charged negative interest by the bank / cc company. (and also because any money we ARE saving is going into long term savings where compound interest means we are getting interest on interest)
The final argument has arisen because of this: (deep breath)
Our current arrangement goes something like this...I put an amount of money into a joint bill account to cover all the household bills, and also a little bit into savings. Apart from a little spare cash, this cleans me out completely cash wise (so I make other spends on credit cards), which are paid off in full on payday
My wife then takes care of day to day things like groceries, fuel and ready cash.
I've just had my credit card upgraded to a cashback one, which is ideal for me because I make most of my spends on it. I suggested to my wife that I take over the grocery and fuel spends on the credit card (to take advantage of the cashback offer), and that she instead puts more money into the bill account.
This has met with resistance. I think I'm being accused of being a control freak, and while I'm trying really hard to see her point of view, I simply can't.
I have a very black and white view on a lot of things (it's partly my mindset, and partly my job...number crunching, coding, very geeky), whilst my wife is the more 'real world' one and has a much better grip on emotional issues which I just tend to switch off on (a real failing of mine, I know)
From my point of view, its irrelevant who pays what. At the end of the day, she will put the money that she normally spends on groceries into the bill account, and I pay the same amount less into the bill account and get the groceries instead....end result? We both pay exactly the same, but THIS way we make the majority of spends on a cashback card and earn a couple of quid a month back as a result.
See? I think it's because she's seeing this as 'only earning us a couple of quid a month back, so why is it worth so much hassle', whereas I see it as part of the 'increase our salary by over £2000 a year"
I think I've descended into 'gibbering' territory now. I just wanted to vent because this has become a real issue and I don't know how to communicate it to my wife properly, but I know there will be at least one person out there who will be willing to pat my head and say 'there there grey pilgrim, I feel your pain'.
Until someone does that, I'm off to pour myself a brandy and coke (I've ran out of wine whilst typing this) and surf the internet for soft !!!!!!.
I really apologise for what is probably the most winding and pointless rant on the forum, but I'd rather so this than go and risk an argument with my wife. Who I love with all my heart and is quite often the only one who makes me realise that sometimes I really do take life a bit too seriously.
Thank you for listening. If anyone would like a refill, we also have Jack Daniels downstairs.]
GP
I know it's a common theme on this forum - one half of a marriage / partnership has the lightbulb moment and see's how much money they are throwing away, and they try their best to convince the other half that with a little bit of effort they could turn the tables on their debt situation. I had my moment a few years ago.
I've always been a 'buy now pay later' person. I didn't think debt was a problem, as long as I was making minimum payments. My idea of a safety net was to get as many credit cards as I could, so that as well as day to day living, I could also have a couple of thousand to hand 'just in case' a big emergency appeared. Going to a a cashpoint was a lucky dip - I would type in my pin, request £20 and then cross my fingers and hope the machine didn't swallow my card. Statements went in the bin.
Moving in with my girlfiend (now my wife) and stepdaughter gave me a new outlook. I decided to get rid of all my debts and after a couple of years, I did. Then we attacked my wifes debts, and then we became debt free.
Then, realising that I had some spare cash that wasn't going to loan companies / credit card companies, I decided to google 'SAVINGS ACCOUNTS' and completely by accident I came across this site.
(coming across a debt-free-wannabee site like this AFTER you have become debt free the hard way is perhaps a really good definition of 'irony')
It was only after reading through this site I realise how stupid I had actually been. I knew that my debt was a problem, but a big part of me was stupid enough to think that 'I owe the credit card companies X thousands, but I only have to pay them the minimum payments back of £x a month. hahaha, I am having a great time at their expense'. Why the hell did I turn a blind eye to the fact that over a 12 year period I had probably paid back thousands more than I needed to?
The situation now is that we are debt free, and have managed to save a couple of thousand in ISA's.
I have said before that I feel incredibly awkward saying this in the DFW forum because I'm always a little scared it could be seen as bragging in front of people who still have serious debts, thats why I've taken my debt free date out of my signature. I hope no-one infers that I'm rubbing my own circumstances in their faces because I'm not, I promise.
The problem now is, I really don't know whether I'm becoming obsessed with it all.
I've formed a few 'habits' which I personally think are good, solid ones, but which my wife seems to have a problem with.
My philosophy (if you can call it that) now is 'if I can make a saving, however small, and it doesn't affect our quality of life, then I will implement it'.
I don't think any saving is too small, because I think if you can apply that philosophy to lots of aspects of your life, then each one adds up to a massive difference when you start looking at things over the course of the years.
For example, like many people on here, I never ever use cash unless it is absolutely necessary. My salary goes into the bank, but I live on my credit card. I carefully monitor my expenditure and never go over what I expect to be paid the following month. When payday comes, I pay off the balance in full.
Result? - I don't get charged any interest by my credit card company and I earn a couple of pounds interest on my wages each month. it maybe saves me £50 a year in interest charges on the credit card, and it maybe earns me £10 a year in interest payments from my bank. Thats £60. Thats maybe a pound a week. I know it sounds laughable.
But apply that to as many aspects as you can...
I get discounted movie channels because I work for a cable company. It turns out that we rarely actually watch the movie channels, and the rate we DO watch them, we could actually rent DVD's and still spend less (even though we get them at a discounted rate). We could save £150 a year. By itself, thats about £3 a week. Nothing really, is it?
We have money in previous year's ISA that we could have left with the banks that we originally deposited the money with, but instead I arranged for us both to transfer them to higher saving ones. It's not much of a percentage rate difference, but over a single year it might earn us an extra £50. By itself, thats about a £1 a week. Nothing really, is it?
I got a credit card offer through with a £5,000 limit on it and a 0% balance transfer offer for 12 months on it. I decided to try 'stoozing' and transferred the cash to a high interest account. Each month I pay off the minimum payment, but place a regular amount of money into a high interest account so that I can pay off the remaining balance in full. Result? We get the interest on the initial sum borrowed, and we also earn interest on the money we are stacking up on the cash we are saving to pay off the card when the balance deal ends.
After the balance transfer fees, it will probably earn us about £300. Thats a few quid a week. Nothing really, is it?
Do you see what I'm getting at?
I have applied the principle of 'even if it's a little, it still counts' to everything I do.
There is a bit of friction in the house at the moment, because everything I am doing is seen as a 'mad, penny pinching scheme' because it's only seen in isolation. It's not seen as a little part of a bigger, more sensible philosophy.
From my point of view, I'm actually earning this family an extra £2000 a year, at the very least. Not just the positive money that we're earning, but also because we're NOT being charged negative interest by the bank / cc company. (and also because any money we ARE saving is going into long term savings where compound interest means we are getting interest on interest)
The final argument has arisen because of this: (deep breath)
Our current arrangement goes something like this...I put an amount of money into a joint bill account to cover all the household bills, and also a little bit into savings. Apart from a little spare cash, this cleans me out completely cash wise (so I make other spends on credit cards), which are paid off in full on payday
My wife then takes care of day to day things like groceries, fuel and ready cash.
I've just had my credit card upgraded to a cashback one, which is ideal for me because I make most of my spends on it. I suggested to my wife that I take over the grocery and fuel spends on the credit card (to take advantage of the cashback offer), and that she instead puts more money into the bill account.
This has met with resistance. I think I'm being accused of being a control freak, and while I'm trying really hard to see her point of view, I simply can't.
I have a very black and white view on a lot of things (it's partly my mindset, and partly my job...number crunching, coding, very geeky), whilst my wife is the more 'real world' one and has a much better grip on emotional issues which I just tend to switch off on (a real failing of mine, I know)
From my point of view, its irrelevant who pays what. At the end of the day, she will put the money that she normally spends on groceries into the bill account, and I pay the same amount less into the bill account and get the groceries instead....end result? We both pay exactly the same, but THIS way we make the majority of spends on a cashback card and earn a couple of quid a month back as a result.
See? I think it's because she's seeing this as 'only earning us a couple of quid a month back, so why is it worth so much hassle', whereas I see it as part of the 'increase our salary by over £2000 a year"
I think I've descended into 'gibbering' territory now. I just wanted to vent because this has become a real issue and I don't know how to communicate it to my wife properly, but I know there will be at least one person out there who will be willing to pat my head and say 'there there grey pilgrim, I feel your pain'.
Until someone does that, I'm off to pour myself a brandy and coke (I've ran out of wine whilst typing this) and surf the internet for soft !!!!!!.
I really apologise for what is probably the most winding and pointless rant on the forum, but I'd rather so this than go and risk an argument with my wife. Who I love with all my heart and is quite often the only one who makes me realise that sometimes I really do take life a bit too seriously.
Thank you for listening. If anyone would like a refill, we also have Jack Daniels downstairs.]
GP
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Comments
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Jees. I typed that on notepad before I posted and it didn't look quite so epic.
I bet no one replies to it.
(*sniff*)0 -
Aw, bless you. You're prob off looking at !!!!!! now but I thought I'd send a quick reply.
I reckon your wife feels that you're taking away the only bit that's in her control and that you think she can't be trusted to look after any part of the finances and that you're 'better at it' than she is.
On the other hand, I may be barking up the wrong tree and she may be more money savvy than you think and is spending far less on groceries than you realise and she doesn't want you to know. (Maybe while your surfing for !!!!!!, she's on the OS board looking up cooking from scratch recipes and how to shop for a family of 4 for under £30 a week..?:p )
You may have to let her have this one. Or why not suggest she gets her own cashback card so that she gets/sees the extra money she gains. She may see it's worth it at the end of the year.
Sorry, it wasn't exactly a quick reply was it?
sp x0 -
Why don't you treat her to something with some of the money you've saved? Maybe a spa day, a weekend away together or anything you know she'd like.0
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Now you have got yourself debt free, you should be doing this if you can be bothered to transfer money often etc. It is no skin off your wifes nose so she should just let you crack on. As for the groceries thing, if you don't get anywhere before long, concede and let her have that one, lol. (however, I do see your point. My partner is similar to yours is some respects)
By the way, 1,662 words, I think you can call that epic!LBM - 30/07/09
Started DMP in Oct 2009, went wrong. Due to start new DMP in March/April 2013. Bring it on!
:beer:
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GP,
As a stalwart of this board who's words of wisdom helped me on many occassions may I just say, as a woman, I *think* I can see both sides.
I think what you may have here is not so much an issue with savings etc as a 'control' issue. I thing maybe DW would like to be in 'control' of her bit and just get on with it really.
I think what you are doing for your family is admirable, but maybe for the sake of family harmony, give up on this one?
Well done on stayting debt-free. I plan on putting myslef on the Roll of Honour sometime in the next century.Empty pockets never held anyone back, only empty heads and empty hearts can do that -Peale0 -
Hi GP... I may be totally barking up the wrong tree here but....
Does the above mean, that you would be the one buying all the food and household items etc? Or would she have the same card in her own name?I've just had my credit card upgraded to a cashback one, which is ideal for me because I make most of my spends on it. I suggested to my wife that I take over the grocery and fuel spends on the credit card (to take advantage of the cashback offer), and that she instead puts more money into the bill account.
Was wondering perhaps whether your idea was met with resistance purely because she wants to get the groceries etc herself?
Just a thought !0 -
I couldn't read all that and not reply!
blimey. I don't know - bit of a disappointing reply this! but I can see your point of view, (i'd never thought about it till you said 2000 wow)
*but* are you talking about you doing the shopping? cos over a couple of quid or so that would annoy me(what I can't even do the bloody shopping you so intent on money saving - oooo I might spend too much!!! ( i can be dead annoying and childish) , can't your wife have a cashback card of her own to use? or be a co sign on yours?
I have just realised that whilst messing about here about six people have replied!
all pretty much saying what I wrote!
so maybe that is it?
xxNevertheless she persisted.0 -
sometimes it just feels great getting it off your chest doesnt it0
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To be honest, I've just spent 20 mins looking at some of the other posts on the forum (ie Batgirl), and realise what a whingy little turd I must sound like. There are so many people with actual 'problems' on here, rather than minor gripes.
I know I've become the archetypal patriarchal 'I control the money' stereotype. I do get a buzz from surprising my missus with little surprises now and then. We went to hong kong last year ( I thought it would be nice to have a big blow out thing and then a couple of years scrimping), and I send her flowers at work sometimes just to say I love her, (it's more fun when it's not a birthday or anniversary, cos then she gets a surprise).
I'm also aware I refer to it as 'my' money...I must stress thats just a linguistic habit - I must stress that I see all my income and my wifes income as 'our' money. I don't have a problem with that at all (and my wife is aware of it), but when I type, I fall into the habit of saying 'my' (sorry)
We don't wan't for anything, really. It;s more "if we can do things slightly differently with little effort, but claw back a few quid, we shoudl do it"
Does that make sense? I don't think I'm explaining it terribly well.0 -
dannynixon wrote: »By the way, 1,662 words, I think you can call that epic!
Greypilgrim - finally a published author!0
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