Allegations against Foster Carers. My mum has been accused.

CFC

I think your mother is the salt of the earth, but she should call it a day for fostering. The children are too much for her now, which is why there is respite care and this situation has arisen. She should be enjoying life not wearing herself to the bone.

I also think it's tragic that fostered children have to be 'protected' from normal parenting. Normal parents yell at their kids on occasion! Talk about giving a child a distorted view of life!

Oldernotwiser

verysillyguy06 wrote: »

I know i am going to be shot...but first of i am a social worker...yep get the tomatoes...it is not main our job at all to support the carers...its it for the children...at least in the case of the allegations...we have to support the child...the fostering net work should support your mother...this all is within our procedures and should have been explained to your mum before she started...they cannot do much once there are allegations...if there is nothing all will blow over...just because the child is autistic and cannot express herself is not fair to assume that she is automatically in the wrong...what about when she meets not so nice people who really abuse her? she will have learnt that adults take serious what she says...i do know wat it feels like as I have been in residential care and i have been accused...it is awful and you feel sooooo very much alone...but it is part of the situations when u care for children in our society now...and i personally would not want to go back to the times when all abuse was undiscovered because no one believed the autistic kid....

This is such a naive reply that it really worries me. Obviously complaints have to be looked into and children protected from abuse, but this is overkill! Even if the complaints were 100% true they hardly amount to abuse, by anyone's standards and they seem to have been tremendously exaggerated anyway. The authority is going to lose an experienced foster worker because of this and probably potential foster parents who hear of it. How is that going to help anyone?

Foster care should be a partnership between the foster carer and Social Services but the unfair balance of power makes this impossible. The foster daughter ( I know, "the looked after child!") may be learning that people take her seriously but she's also learning to manipulate the people around her. I bet the social worker won't explain to her and her brother the reasons why they're being moved yet again after this incident. Encouraging clients to take responsibility for their actions never seems to come very high on the list of social workers' priorities in my experience.

celticfc

verysillyguy06, I agree that SS are there for the kids, but I don't think it's fair my mum has been left to wonder what's going on. No one is automatically assuming the girl is wrong. If you read my first post you'll maybe understand the situation, over 6 years care, having to be taught the basics from scratch, not a level of understanding associated with a normal teenager. Yet she it's led to believe is going to a respite carer one w/e every other week and acting like a normal teenager, baking cakes, ironing, making coffee, involving herself in intelligent conversation, basically all the things you'd expect from a teenage girl.

That is not the same girl who is in my mums care. Her usual reply to any question asked is a shrug of the shoulders and a "I don't know". She'll come in from school and you'll ask, what have you done today? "Maths" what did you do in maths? " Uhhm, I don't know". Then she'll walk away, the conversation is over. Yet all these glowing reports coming from a person who see's her every other weekend. My mum has questioned this and the social workers reply, "she is in her comfort zone here while at respite she is presenting herself" Presenting herself?? What does that mean in expert terms? Is that the social workers way of saying she's pretending?

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

This is such a naive reply that it really worries me. Obviously complaints have to be looked into and children protected from abuse, but this is overkill! Even if the complaints were 100% true they hardly amount to abuse, by anyone's standards and they seem to have been tremendously exaggerated anyway. The authority is going to lose an experienced foster worker because of this and probably potential foster parents who hear of it. How is that going to help anyone?

Foster care should be a partnership between the foster carer and Social Services but the unfair balance of power makes this impossible. The foster daughter ( I know, "the looked after child!") may be learning that people take her seriously but she's also learning to manipulate the people around her. I bet the social worker won't explain to her and her brother the reasons why they're being moved yet again after this incident. Encouraging clients to take responsibility for their actions never seems to come very high on the list of social workers' priorities in my experience.

You've touched on the very thing which I'm concerned with. My mum has to constantly keep these two children in check, always having to remind them of things. She is really concerned now that anything she says is going to be misinterpreted and taken completely out of context the very same way that all this has been handled.

Vomityspice, My mum has already told the social services that she grabbed the girl to move her out of someones way in a supermarket. The other two claims the girl has made are petty, dressed like a baby and made fun of by someone in school ( where they all dress the same given the uniform code) and being shouted at. In your face is a term she's picked up but quite obviously doesn't understand, my mum was at least 12 ft away when she shouted.

I'm annoyed at her lack of support. I know verysillyguy says that that's the duty of the foster network, but as you've said the link worker. That's who I'm disappointed at. There has been no effort other than a letter on Saturday morning to contact my mum.

If my mum decide to give up caring it's the boy I feel for, he adores my mum and he is not going to understand and will think he's done something and that's why he's being taken away from my mum. If she give it all up she'll stop completely, which is what I want for her. I want her to start concentrating on herself and putting herself first.

Oh one more thing. If she does give it up and it is the respite workers plan of securing long term care for the girl, that will backfire as they have to be kept together. It took them four years to find my mum how long will it take for them to find another permanent care, believe me they are hard work. These poor kids stuck in the middle of what I think is an adult attempting to manipulate one of them.

floss2

I appreciate that your mum does this for the right reasons, but I get the feeling that the respite carer is maybe seeing £'s for gaining full-time care of the girl? Where does her brother go for respite, as you mentioned they are to be placed together? Could his sister maybe go there instead, to see how her behaviour is with another carer? Or have they been observed by the SW whilst at the respite carer's? Maybe your mum could suggest that?

verysillyguy06

celticfc wrote: »

verysillyguy06, I agree that SS are there for the kids, but I don't think it's fair my mum has been left to wonder what's going on. No one is automatically assuming the girl is wrong. If you read my first post you'll maybe understand the situation, over 6 years care, having to be taught the basics from scratch, not a level of understanding associated with a normal teenager. Yet she it's led to believe is going to a respite carer one w/e every other week and acting like a normal teenager, baking cakes, ironing, making coffee, involving herself in intelligent conversation, basically all the things you'd expect from a teenage girl.

That is not the same girl who is in my mums care. Her usual reply to any question asked is a shrug of the shoulders and a "I don't know". She'll come in from school and you'll ask, what have you done today? "Maths" what did you do in maths? " Uhhm, I don't know". Then she'll walk away, the conversation is over. Yet all these glowing reports coming from a person who see's her every other weekend. My mum has questioned this and the social workers reply, "she is in her comfort zone here while at respite she is presenting herself" Presenting herself?? What does that mean in expert terms? Is that the social workers way of saying she's pretending?







You've touched on the very thing which I'm concerned with. My mum has to constantly keep these two children in check, always having to remind them of things. She is really concerned now that anything she says is going to be misinterpreted and taken completely out of context the very same way that all this has been handled.

Vomityspice, My mum has already told the social services that she grabbed the girl to move her out of someones way in a supermarket. The other two claims the girl has made are petty, dressed like a baby and made fun of by someone in school ( where they all dress the same given the uniform code) and being shouted at. In your face is a term she's picked up but quite obviously doesn't understand, my mum was at least 12 ft away when she shouted.

I'm annoyed at her lack of support. I know verysillyguy says that that's the duty of the foster network, but as you've said the link worker. That's who I'm disappointed at. There has been no effort other than a letter on Saturday morning to contact my mum.

If my mum decide to give up caring it's the boy I feel for, he adores my mum and he is not going to understand and will think he's done something and that's why he's being taken away from my mum. If she give it all up she'll stop completely, which is what I want for her. I want her to start concentrating on herself and putting herself first.

Oh one more thing. If she does give it up and it is the respite workers plan of securing long term care for the girl, that will backfire as they have to be kept together. It took them four years to find my mum how long will it take for them to find another permanent care, believe me they are hard work. These poor kids stuck in the middle of what I think is an adult attempting to manipulate one of them.

i do agree with you that your mum has been given a rough deal...yes the social worker should have explained the procedures once this all started...also your mother needed the support from her link worker...that was not acceptable...you are right to find someone new would be at this age impossible but...but...was there not only going to be a talk? a meeting? i am if nothing else has come up, there should be no reason for them to give your mother any further grief...has anything happened? hat have they said? I understand what you are saying about manipulating...hmmm...i would take that chance in case abuse is missed...she will not always be with your mother...she has to learn those skills...i dont believe there is anything in what you have written that your mother would need to worry about apart from needing to have one meeting...good luck !!:o

verysillyguy06

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

This is such a naive reply that it really worries me. Obviously complaints have to be looked into and children protected from abuse, but this is overkill! Even if the complaints were 100% true they hardly amount to abuse, by anyone's standards and they seem to have been tremendously exaggerated anyway. The authority is going to lose an experienced foster worker because of this and probably potential foster parents who hear of it. How is that going to help anyone?

Foster care should be a partnership between the foster carer and Social Services but the unfair balance of power makes this impossible. The foster daughter ( I know, "the looked after child!") may be learning that people take her seriously but she's also learning to manipulate the people around her. I bet the social worker won't explain to her and her brother the reasons why they're being moved yet again after this incident. Encouraging clients to take responsibility for their actions never seems to come very high on the list of social workers' priorities in my experience.

Naive? Fair comment but then in your opinon who should take the child's support in an allegation? Overkill?? not sure what you mean...the police has not been involved..the children have not been removed..there is going to be a meeting to look at it all together as the mother had such a great record...not sure what you mean...should a child's opnion been taken as exasgerated and checked with the carer/parent in any case? i believe that there is trainig for foster carers ..may be its not good enough...i personally have very good relationships with my foster carers...our team has dealt with such caese and kept the carers informed...but the main support has to come from the link worker...it cannot come from the child's ocial worker...

Vomityspice

as a final thought, the belief that the 'respite carer is doing it for the £££££££££ is obviously much mistaken.

Unless the rates have shot up drastically since I left 3 years ago, the daily rate was about £17.

Happy for someone current working to correct my failing memory!

Oldernotwiser

Vomityspice wrote: »

as a final thought, the belief that the 'respite carer is doing it for the £££££££££ is obviously much mistaken.

Unless the rates have shot up drastically since I left 3 years ago, the daily rate was about £17.

Happy for someone current working to correct my failing memory!

Most people fostering challenging young people like these would have been paid a professional fostering fee on top of the maintenance allowance. These fees are set to rise and sums of £500 per week have been discussed for fostering 2 young people. I think that you may have fostered children with fewer special needs ( although, Heaven knows, they're all pretty needy!)

Oldernotwiser

verysillyguy06 wrote: »

i believe that there is trainig for foster carers ..may be its not good enough...

You believe?? Don't you know?

Social Workers spend their lives in meetings (in my experience) and I don't think they realise how threatening these can be for those who aren't fellow professionals. If you see it to be a social worker's role to support a child's allegation, then whose role is it to investigate and verify it? How can you find the truth of the matter if you start from the premise that it's the client who's telling the truth? (Which is not to say that one should start from the premise that the client is lying either.)

jay11_2

To OP: I'm sorry to hear that your mum's having such a tough time, and feels so let down by the system. However, having worked with teenage girls with psychological issues (such as autism), not to mention other issues due to her early childhood, I don't find the allegations surprising.

She's probably a pretty mixed up kid, given her history and problems. Though in your shoes I'd also wonder if she's been encouraged by someone, it might well just be teenage angst, they can be pretty angry creatures.

The problem is that it's case of her word against your mum's, and of course a vulnerable child's complaints have to be taken seriously,and investigated. I'm sure your mum would want things checked out if the girl was making allegations against the respite carer. In any case it's the law that certain actions are taken in situations like this. (Your mum really should be better supported by SS though )

To me it seems that your mum is at the end of her emotional resources and unable to see things a bit objectively--would she have found this so surprising and upsetting if she wasn't so worn out!

The respite carer sounds like a b...ch, maybe the girl does a bit more there (kids!!) =exaggeration , maybe it's pure invention. In any case she needs to feed her ego by pretending it's more than it is, and exaggerating, doesn't say much for her. SS aren't completley stupid (sorry VSG:rotfl: ) and she'll get her come-uppance one day.

Your mum needs to find someone with experience who can support her at meetings, etc (is there a foster carers liason/support service?). Get the children's school, teachers, doctors, etc on board. Possibly legal advice--probably not necessary, BUT--these things can snowball and she doesn't want to lose her good name!!

Good luck, teenagers are pains in the butt!!!