Allegations against Foster Carers. My mum has been accused.

celticfc

My Mum is a foster carer of two children. A brother and sister, both autistic and both of whom are at times hard work.When the two of them went to my mums initially it was only for respite every weekend. They had been in 24 different homes before my mums, the last being a particularly bad experience. That eventually became full care after about six months. My mum has these two in her care until they are 18 yrs old. They suffered all sorts of problems when they went to my mum, some of the problems were awful and it was almost like having two babies in the house. Neither of them could barely speak, my mum taught them ABC's and spent hours encouraging and playing with them and helping them with learning to talk. My mum had to potty train the boy,who was 6 at the time, as he had no idea of how to use the toilet and was always soiling himself. They both had a varied range of problems, from eating disorders, (they would gorge and steal food due to being starved and neglected at some point, they didn't know how to even hold a knife and fork) to terrible behavior, but through her love and devotion to these kids they are both doing well. They are 13 and 14 respectively. The boy is in a special unit at a local high school and doing well, and the girl is in the local high school, albeit in a special class with other kids.

My mum isn't as fit as she used to be and has been struggling in the past few months to fully control the kids and their occasional poor behavior and so both have been going to respite carers over the few months every other weekend. When the boy is home with my mum he is a darling. His social skills are great and his interaction with my mum and others is really good. His sister on the other hand is a difficult girl. My mum can spend a whole weekend with her and have very little conversation. She continually tries to encourage the girl to engage in conversation but there is nothing.

Both kids go to respite carers every other weekend. Their weekends are alternated so my mum always has one of them at a weekend. The girl has been going to respite where the carer is reporting that she acts like a normal teenager around another foster girl, who's a very forward 11, and her own 18yr old daughter. The carer also claims that the girl bakes cakes, makes coffee, does the hoovering and also ironing. Yet in the six years she has been under my mums care she couldn't even tell you which cupboard my mum keeps her saucepans in. Some of the things the respite carer claims she is capable of is truly beyond belief. In all the time she has been in my mums care she shows no signs whatsoever of growing up and doing things a normal 14 yr old does.

I go there with my wife and children to see my mum and the girl greets us with a series of faces she pulls at us thinking it's impressing us and my children. She does not speak to my wife and I. She speaks to my children and plays with my daughter with her dolls. If i go to see my mum without my wife and children I can be there for an hour or more and at no time does the girl even acknowledge me other than to pull a face when I first go there.

Every six weeks my mum gets a visit from her link worker who spends a few minutes chatting to the kids if they're home and the rest of the visit chats to my mum. In all honesty she spends very little time with the kids and being foreign her conversation is somewhat limited. My mum had a phone call off the link worker to say she was coming to see my mum. An hour or so later she was at the door with the kids social worker and they sat down with my mum and told her some allegations had been made about her from the girl. My mum was stunned and shellshocked that she couldn't even think straight. These allegations are incredible to say the least, they are to anyone outside of my mums pretty petty but to my mum they are a huge deal. They include three pretty ridiculous allegations against my mum and also one against me. They are, One. My mum dresses the girl like a baby and she gets made fun of, Two, My mum grabbed her and dug her nails in to her arm, and Three, My mum screams and shouts in her face all the time.

The girl was at my mums and my mum had a friend there, another foster carer and spoke to the girl and asked what was going on. She said when she went to the respite carer the link worker was there and the respite carer said " Girl, wants a word with you" girl sat down and the link worker asked what she wanted to say, the girl told my mum that when she sat down she had forgotten what she had to say, but then remembered and complained to the link worker and made allegations against my mum.

The grabbing of the arm was in Sainsburys when my mum moved the girl out of someones way who had a trolley. The being made fun of happened about 4 years ago out my mums garden by a neighbors child and more recently in school where all the kids wear the same uniform. The screaming and shouting in the face was explained by the girl like this. My mum had a long galley style kitchen which measures about 19ft, with a table and four chairs at one end. My mum was stood down the kitchen and told the girl who was sat at the table eating breakfast to eat properly, this was ignored and so my mum shouted at her. This became in your face.

Given all the hard work and sacrifices my mum has made for these kids and the high regard in which she is held by some members of social services I am really disappointed at how she's been treated. She has been treated like a criminal. She has been kept in the dark and has not been kept up to date by anyone from social services. She has spoken to some people who over the years have had a lot of involvement with the kids and who understand them better than the link worker and even their own social worker. Their former social worker, a Doctor, a family liaison person, her friends who see these kids on a regular basis and her family are all astounded by what has gone on and the way she's been treated.

Now this all seems pretty innocuous and in most homes and families is an everyday occurance. I'm forever pulling my kids out of peoples way if we're out shopping and also have at times reason to shout at my kids. But the thing is for a foster carer any allegation, no matter how trivial is treated seriously.

The allegation against me stems from one night I sat down with them and explained their behavior was making my mum sad and asked them if they understood what sad meant. They didn't fully understand. They had a terrible time in one foster care home which they remember all too well and often talk about. I asked if they remember what that felt like and how it made them feel and explained that's what sad is. The girl has claimed that I threatened that if they didn't behave they would go back to this particular home. I have my mum, my wife and three children who remember what I said so I'm not concerned about the allegation against me.

My personal opinion is that someone has been pushing her buttons and prompting her and she has been coached into making a complaint against my mum. It's quite telling that she told my mum and another carer that she forgot what she had to say, not forgot what I was going to say. The allegations are so ridiculous.

I feel they have failed in any duty towards my mum in supporting her. These allegations have been made by a 13yr old girl who is incapable of holding a conversation for more than her few minutes due to her concentration and who has quite obvious problems given her form of autism. In spite of my mums record of care and devotion she has been left high and dry. She isn't sure if she wants either of them back as she would be too frightened of even daring to speak out too loud to them.

In my opinion it would be better if she gave up her duties as a carer and devoted more time to herself and focused on getting back to being well again. She's 63 years old and has raised four children one of whom suffered Cystic Fibrosis and passed away ten years ago aged 24. She also raised my nephew who is now 17 and also raised my cousin after his mum passed away, who she took in aged 8 months old and is now 24 and as far as I'm concerned is my brother and who regards my mother as Mum. In between that she has taken in other foster children and has looked after over the years since my sister died 17 different foster kids as well as the two full time.

A meeting is due this week between her and the people from social services. I intend being at the meeting with my mum and fully supporting her. I'm hoping that she decides it's the right time to give up caring for the kids now, as hard as it'll be for her I don't think she's been treated fairly and I'm really worried that this is only the first of her problems if the girl goes back to her. She's not been well for some time and could really do with taking time for herself. This has had a terrible effect on her, in spite of some reading this and wondering what the problem is my mum has said that she feels as though she's been s.h.i.t. on. Not the best term to use to describe how she feels but an appropriate one given all she's done and how these kids have developed under her care, and yet this has been done to her. As I said up the page, someones been pushing buttons because in all honesty the girl described by the respite carer is not the same girl who my mum has been caring for for all this time and certainly isn't clever enough to have acted this way all these years and duped my mum.

Under normal proceedings any complaint or allegation would have involved the Police and CID and child welfare investigation. But apparently because of my mum's wonderful record and good name in the social services environment they have decide to keep the investigation in the department. At least that's what they told my mum, if that makes it any better that the Police aren't involved I would prefer it if they were given the way it's been handled.


She needs some help and support which so far hasn't been made available from social services. I have urged her to make a complaint about the way this has been dealt with. I have searched for support networks of some sort on the internet as I'm sure she's not the first to have had this experience but I've not been able to find any. If anyone is aware of anywhere where there may be help or advice available to her I would appreciate a point in the right direction.

bluebell13

Hi. Not really sure what to say, but I wanted to write something to show you some support. What a terrible situation for your mum to be in, and so sad after all the years she has been helping children who have obviously benefitted enormously from fabulous care. I doubt theres a teenager in the land who couldnt accuse their own parents of far worse! However, I'm sure, given the light of some terrible cases where childrens neglect has not been picked up by social services, that they now have to take any report from a child seriously. I'm sure they are just following procedures, but it is awful for your mum. You are doing exactly the right thing in being there at the meeting. Good luck , and let us know how it goes.

floss2

I suggest that you contact the Fostering Network: http://www.fostering.net/ and ask for some advice & support - they have an advice page on their website which offers telephone advice for carers in your mum's situation.

Also, does she have any support of her own within Social Services -her own social worker? Does she have a copy of their Fostering policy & procedures?

Hugs to all of you - I have a very great respect for foster carers, I know several as close friends, and I do feel that they are sometimes treated with little respect for the job they do.

Floss xx

Oldernotwiser

As an ex foster carer, none of this surprises me. Social workers obviously have to inverstigate things like this but they also have a duty of care to their carers. I agree that she should have her own social worker but we never did either. If things really get nasty I'd consider seeing a solicitor who specialises in this area; your comments about possible Police involvement are really chilling. We ended up feeling totally used by the system and that our contributions went unrecognised. When we were no further use we were simply discarded like so much rubbish.

I think you're right that your mother should now reconsider being a foster carer in light of her age and health. Another 4 years of this could be disastrous for her and frankly I'm surprised that 2 children with these problems were ever placed with someone of her age at all, particularly as she was intending to care for them until they reached 18.

Best wishes to you both and good luck.

elona

My instincts are screaming that the person who provide respite care and seemingly "worked miracles" wants the money that looking after them both full time would produce.

I also think your mother needs to start thinking of her own health.

She would never have wanted to give up helping them but in the position she is in the sitution has been taken out of her hands.

The relationship is not going to feel the same - either between her and the children or between her and social work.

I hope she is able to go with her head held high for all your sakes.

mary43

I am a foster carer for difficult teenagers and I do sympathise with your mother. She has been treated most unfairly and I think, if it were me, I would call it a day. Allegations always tend to be dealt with internally and the carer is left high and dry with often no idea what is going on. Support is usually withdrawn from the carers support worker as they have to be totally impartial. It's wrong in my opinion.
We had one allegation from a young girl..........very loud mouthed and abusive, not just towards us but our neighbours too though she could be sweetness and nice if needed. There was one occassion where the verbal abuse towards my OH had gone on so long he shouted back at her...........she put in a complaint and we now have a black mark on our previously unblemished record of 16 years. Needless to say, after that this particular girl had to leave our care. We breathed a sigh of relief I have to admit but still felt maybe, just maybe OH should have bit his tongue but its not easy when someones being so verbal for a long period of time.

I do hope your mother contacts the Fostering Network.........there is also a Complaints Officer she could approach. I only found out this two years ago ! We'd always been given the understanding that children/young people could make official complaints but no hint was given that we could to. Your mother should investigate this and put a complaint in about her treatment.
Carers such as your Mum are much needed but incidents like this are not exactly encouraging to anyone who is considering what can be and mostly is a very worthwhile thing to do.

I do wish you and your Mum well and would be interested in the outcome.

Bless your Mum for working so hard but she must consider herself first now.

Good luck

celticfc

Thanks ever so much all of you for your words of support.

Elona in my head all I can think is that the respite carer is behind it all. Given all the claims she's making about this girls abilities when it's quite clear to us as a family and close friends who know her that she is far from capable of being a normal teenager.

I realize that the social services first line of response is for the welfare of the children but I feel as though they have badly let my mum down. They have left her feeling as though she really has done something, they have offered no support at all at any stage. The only contact she has had is when they visited to tell her of the allegations. She has had support from a doctor who works for social services in an advisory role. But unfortunately I don't think the doctor has any influence on any social services dept. It saddens me as they are continually telling my mum how valued she is. I'd hate to think how they would treat someone who they had no confidence in!

I sincerely hope that my mum walks away from this and starts devoting her time to herself. Unlike other carers who I am aware of she isn't in it for the money. She had at one point time and affection to offer. When she first came into contact with these kids she realized how difficult it was going to be given their circumstances but she was willing to try. She has amazed all these child experts in the progress these kids have made whilst being in her care, most of the experts had given up on them. There's something else, all the experts with all the training and classroom hours in child welfare and behavior have not had the practical skills at raising children and yet they do go into my mums home telling her what she should be doing. It's quite laughable to be honest.

They are kids who are reluctant to change and a change in their routine throws them and their behavior is terrible, with the boy getting quite destructive. During respite care he has been known to damage things, at least that's what the carer does on a Monday morning is put in claim forms claiming for various household items he's damaged in a weekend. My mum on the other hand has never claimed for a single thing. I hope my mum makes a decision and leaves social services wondering what a mistake they have made. The only thing is that these two come together and I don't know if they will be split up and maybe playing into the girls respite carers hands.

She'll walk away from this with her integrity intact and her head held high. I hope she makes a decision which suits her and not the social services. I think they will struggle to find a permanent or long term placement for these kids. It's ok the respite carers having them every other weekend, having them 24/7 is really hard work and once they are in a home for a length of time they'll realize exactly how much hard work and effort my mum has been putting in.

Oldernotwiser

elona wrote: »

My instincts are screaming that the person who provide respite care and seemingly "worked miracles" wants the money that looking after them both full time would produce.

That was my first thought as well; I thought that it was just me being cynical!

hardpressed

That is a terrible way for your mum to be treated. I hardly like to say this but you need to be very careful of this girl yourself. If someone is telling her to make these accusations about you mum they may try to misinterpret any contact you have with her. It's a terrible thing when you have to question how an action my be viewed. In this situation I think it's best not to take chances.

verysillyguy06

I know i am going to be shot...but first of i am a social worker...yep get the tomatoes...it is not main our job at all to support the carers...its it for the children...at least in the case of the allegations...we have to support the child...the fostering net work should support your mother...this all is within our procedures and should have been explained to your mum before she started...they cannot do much once there are allegations...if there is nothing all will blow over...just because the child is autistic and cannot express herself is not fair to assume that she is automatically in the wrong...what about when she meets not so nice people who really abuse her? she will have learnt that adults take serious what she says...i do know wat it feels like as I have been in residential care and i have been accused...it is awful and you feel sooooo very much alone...but it is part of the situations when u care for children in our society now...and i personally would not want to go back to the times when all abuse was undiscovered because no one believed the autistic kid....

Vomityspice

As an ex-social worker (actually i'm still a SW just not practicing as I'm back at Uni studying), when an allegation is made the Local Authority will just follow it's written procedures to ensure that the matter if fully investigated.

Whilst I appreciate this may be a difficult time for your mother, the 'Link worker' should be providing support to the carer as they are the foster carer's social worker. If your currently link worker isn't being support enough for you, talk to the local team about their PSW (Principal Social Worker) providing that support in the interim whilst the matter is being explored.

In terms of what 'may' happen, if the allegation turn out to be false then most LA's will hold a disruption meeting to discuss what has happened and what can be put in place to help stabalise and maintain the placement (LA's are financially penalised for moving young people 3+ times per year), so unless there is a valid reason to move this girl (and what would the impact be on the brother?) the LA would normally want to support the placement to ensure long term continuity.

However, given the strained relationship (between the parties) it might not be a bad idea to consider how best this can be managed. This may included extending the W/E respite to help the girl settle. Her presenting behaviors will undoubtedly come out at some point, and her history will no doubt be memorialised in the case recording. Given your mother's age does she really need the aggravation and grief? Whilst I do not doubt her commitment towards these children, she really needs to consider how this is impacting on her. Simply, if she is unhappy, then this will filter through to the children.

If your mother does want to consider leaving the LA then she might consider a private fostering agency. She would need to be reassessed ( I think) but in my experience, private agencies usually expect their link workers to be very proactive at providing support (as they rely on the funding stream). Might be worth considering?