Husband spent half the rent money on booze

RAS

jak wrote: »

The thing that bugs me the most is that we worked out the budget together!

Jak

I know you worked out a budget for now, but can I suggest that you sit OH down and work out two other budgets

First off go to www.entitledto.com and work out how much you will have coming in when you stop work but before the baby is born,even if it is only a few weeks.

Then find out what you will get when you are on mat leave after the baby is born, with Child credits etc. Will you be eligible WTC or HB etc?

Then go to the SOA here
http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan#help

And put together budgets for until you go back to work.

Sounds silly but we have had a number of instances when people on here have are really struggling because they did not take into account the costs of the baby and the reduced income.

Also, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, if you need baby stuff, sign up with your local group on www.freecycle.org and you should be able to find loads for free.

And join the mother and baby site where you get loads of samples and freebies.

kimlisa66

In my experience Jak, it will only get worse the whole time your OH is allowed to carry on with his destructive behaviour. He won't change unless he wants to, you can't do it for him sadly. Sometimes its only 'tough love' that shocks someone into changing their behaviour. And, what you see is sometimes only the tip of the iceberg. I knew my husband was drinking too much, I didn't know he had a gambling and women problem though !

If you read my very long and detail post a few threads back, it will give you an indication of what happened to me and how I took control of my finances after me and OH separated. I feel completely liberated and focussed.

Wishing you all the best in whichever decision you take.

Kim xx

Tesco_points_addict

Jak
Big hugs
Now the most important thing (other than you and your baby) is to go buy yourself some luxury toilet paper and hide it from him!! You get lovely softness on your botty and he get to put his fingers through the cheap stuff!!
Joking aside I really hope you get things sorted
TPAx

gfplux

Hello Jak,
I am so sorry you are in this position. I hope you get it sorted out with him for the sake of your baby.
However!
As a man myself I am not optimistic about your future. Your husband has shown his bad character (using the word immaturity is a smoke screen) before your marriage and again just now. You of course love him but don't let him drag you down with him. Men will go to any lengths to get money so don't be surprised if later in life you find he has debts you know nothing about.
Remember a baby or child is immature, if you husband is out of nappy's he is not immature he's just being him and he won't change.
There is an old saying women marry men hoping they will change and men marry women hoping they won't change.
Good luck but listen to all the other women on here who have had the same problems.

chappers

I think you basically have to sit him down again you both go through the finances and you explain that until all the debts are gone that he a bides by your rules.
You have to take control of the finances and give him pocket money just like my wife had to do to me when we first started living together.
You need to pool your money and then work out what you need to keep the household running and service your debts and then divide the rest as pocket money, don't let him borrow from yours otherwise he will never learn.
Open a seperate account to run the house from and whatever you do don't let him have access to it.
You need to talk regularly about the household finances so you can make him aware of any emergencies or future spending requirements so you can both budget accordingly and to at least make him feel involved.
I know from experience he will hate you to begin with but as he starts to have to budget his own little bit he will realise how important it is to budget the rest.
Explain that when his baby is born it will be him/her that he is robbing hopefully the arrival of the nipper will focus his mind.
It took a while but I eventually got there our relationship is much better as we no longer argue about my frivallous spending, I have now taken over the running of our finances and am even more strict than the wife ever was(think it's something to do with MSE).

Doesn't sound quite like your at the relate stage yet, but for your info my sister is a relate counsellor and they do charge ,but they are a charity and if you can't afford the costs you can get it free, not sure of the criteria for getting free sessions i.e If you just have to say I can't afford it or you have to be on benefits etc.
You could always go on your own and they might be able to give you some tips as to how to deal with your husband and get him round to your way of thinking.
Some people respond to a direct laying down of the law some need abit of psycology worked on them.

BartGirl

Jak I just want to wish you all the best.
Also - a word of warning. My OH was exactly like yours before/after baby. Now we are in a disastrous situation.
I'd like to advise you not to make the mistakes i did.
I'd always shoulder all the bills, rent etc; and once he'd blown his lot of wages, he'd turn to me cos he knew that i'd always have something aside. But because i had that 'aside' money - it meant that i could never really treat myself - because i was always worried about what would happen if there was no money available until next pay day.
I now know that what i should have done is tell him that i was broke - and see him try and struggle through. I didnt. Time and time again i 'rescued' him.

Pls try and take your OH round shops etc show him the bills etc and make sure you agree in advance a fixed amount that he should give you every month that shall be put towards bills etc. Within that amount..;) ..put some away - for yourself - for a rainy day - just incase.

I wish you all the best..

BartGirl

jak

OK so it's been a couple of days and yesterday I showed my husband this thread. He was very quiet for ages then told me he was happy to eat beans for a month and use the cheapo toilet paper. He also told me that he seems to be spending his money on fruit machines which is horrendous. He then gave me his card, agreed to let me have his wages every month, not to go out for the foreseeable future and appologised lots. We have spoken about going to see Relate to sort things out and if anything like this ever happens again my mother has said i'm to come and live with her and she'll give me the deposit for a flat etc and help me get back on my feet. So as things stand, i'm not going to leave him. However, things are going to change. He will have pocket money and learn to budget. Ever single thing that leaves my bank account will be checked by both of us and he has to 'own' some of the debt we are in and work with me to get out of it.That siad, I don't intend to let my guard down. It'll be a long, long time till he gets his cards back and I am going to ask him to go through his bank statements with me every month as he recieves them.Thanks so much for all the suport i've recieved from everyone on hre. It has made such a difference and really helped. I didn't know what to do and now i've kind of amalgamated lots of different ideas and I really hope they work. Wish me luck folks...x

jak

OK so it's been a couple of days and yesterday I showed my husband this thread. He was very quiet for ages then told me he was happy to eat beans for a month and use the cheapo toilet paper. He also told me that he seems to be spending his money on fruit machines which is horrendous. He then gave me his card, agreed to let me have his wages every month, not to go out for the foreseeable future and appologised lots. We have spoken about going to see Relate to sort things out and if anything like this ever happens again my mother has said i'm to come and live with her and she'll give me the deposit for a flat etc and help me get back on my feet. So as things stand, i'm not going to leave him. However, things are going to change. He will have pocket money and learn to budget. Ever single thing that leaves my bank account will be checked by both of us and he has to 'own' some of the debt we are in and work with me to get out of it.That siad, I don't intend to let my guard down. It'll be a long, long time till he gets his cards back and I am going to ask him to go through his bank statements with me every month as he recieves them.Thanks so much for all the suport i've recieved from everyone on here. It has made such a difference and really helped. I didn't know what to do and now i've kind of amalgamated lots of different ideas and I really hope they work. Wish me luck folks...x

Persolv0

Hello Jak
Well done to you for approaching the situation head on and in fairness to your husband, well done for being man enough to accept there is a problem.

One suggestion and i promise its not intended to put him through the mill, but perhaps gamblers annonymious is a possible option if some of the issues have arisen due to fruit machines....I know someone that goes to weekly meetings and tells me they are very supportive

good luck to you both and i really hope hes turned the corner

jak

Thanks. We have discussed GA as an option but he doesn't want to go. So...I've agreed that he doesn't have to for now and we'll see how he gets on. He knows that if anything like this happens again, I am gone as is his baby, so I hope that's enough to keep him on the straight and narrow. I realise that this isn't always enough, but I hope he can do it. I have to say tho that i'll believe it when I see it!!!JxPS. thanks againx