Cheating husband - your thoughts please

*Louise*

Don't want to get too personal - but I hope you're not letting HIM 'have his cake and eat it'!

You say yourself that he will probably cheat again. Is that the kind of relationship you want to be in? Constantly wondering, having to check on him and never able to relax? I think you deserve better.

Find out the facts, get legal advice and use that to confront him with. Telling him not to cheat won't have any effect on him - showing him you're deadly serious will give him a scare.

Whatever you do - please don't just stay with him 'because of the kids' - even if you split, as long as you don't put their dad down in front of them, you will have their respect.

(((HUGS)))

glossgal

This is all about self respect I think and the sad truth is you can't expect him to respect you when you obviously don't have any for yourself. If you did you wouldn't be tolerating the situation. I'm not having a go btw because I think it's a shame that people end up in these subservient relationships.

You are not going to change him (one misdemenour can be worked on but systematic cheating is pathological) so the next best thing is to change your behavior. Im sure your kids will not resent you leaving but I am sure they may think in 20 years "I wish I'd lived in a happier home".

All the best

cells

cut his penis off?
no seriously.....

im sure theres some internet site that will tell you how without killing him
perhaps

MyHusbandsCheatedOnMeButICantLeaveHimBecauseOfTheKidsSoImGonaCutHis!!!!!!!!Off.com


TBH i dont understand why anyone would cheat on their partner if they have had kids ect together.

reallypeedoff_2

Thanks everyone for their thoughts and hugs.

I perhaps should have explained that I have confronted him about it all and his excuse basically boiled down to that I didn't give him enough attention - perhaps I didn't, to be honest most of my time was spent running the kids around, going to work etc etc and yes I suppose I was subserviant in that respect - putting their lives before mine.

As for me wanting my cake and eating it, I would like to wash all this away, have a happy married life with my husband and kids in a house I've worked hard on but as I mentioned in my 1st post I know the likelihood of him cheating again is odds on but I suppose I'm scared of moving out of my comfort zone.

I really don't know which route to go down at the moment but I will definitely take the advice of looking into the money situation a bit more and doing it without his knowledge. Any other ideas are most welcome.

Quackers

reallypeedoff wrote: »

As for me wanting my cake and eating it, I would like to wash all this away, have a happy married life with my husband and kids in a house I've worked hard on but as I mentioned in my 1st post I know the likelihood of him cheating again is odds on but I suppose I'm scared of moving out of my comfort zone.

You will never get that happy married life back in my opinion. Thats just my opinion - maybe some women do feel that they can get that back if they work really hard but your husband has already cheated on you more than once - are you going to be forever wondering if he's doing it again?

If you really do want to try again then I think you would both need counselling? Would you both be prepared to do that?

Moving out of your comfort zone, is, without a doubt, the scariest thing EVER.

But once you take that first step you wont look back. Its hard & its scary & I'm still in the early stages myself but every day I get stronger & know that I'm going to be just fine.

I deserved better & I imagine you do too.

I'd worked damn hard for what I had. But at the end of the day its 'being happy' that is so much more important. I'm still living in my marital home - its up for sale and I cannot wait for it to sell. Now its just a house I live in.

My tiny new house that I buy will be 'MY HOME'. Mine and my girls new start - our new future together & I cannot wait

*Louise*

Quackers wrote: »

I'd worked damn hard for what I had. But at the end of the day its 'being happy' that is so much more important. I'm still living in my marital home - its up for sale and I cannot wait for it to sell. Now its just a house I live in.

My tiny new house that I buy will be 'MY HOME'. Mine and my girls new start - our new future together & I cannot wait

Wish you all the best for your future Quackers :T

(((HUGS)))

MrsE_2

Take proper financial advice BEFORE you do anything.

Don't take too much notice of the marriage advice on here, thats not to say advice on here isn't great, it is. But this is too big a desision to make on the backs of postings by strangers, however well meaning.

If your legal/financial advice says you will do OK out of it (keep the house till the kids leave school) then you could decide whether you want him as a husband or not.
If its not sounding great financially then at least you are forearmed.

I personally couldn't ignore my husband cheating, but women do.

I have been married twice, the first time was to a cheater. So I do know how awful it is.
I thank God he was a cheater because I might not have slung him out & met my husband two years (ish) later.
What I'm saying is the unknown can be scary, but it can be miles & miles better too.

Chollita

I had to make the decision to end my marriage because I knew that my ex was not going to change the behaviour that was upsetting me. It is a decision I have never regretted. There is life after divorce, and there are good men out there. Perhaps it was easier for me, because we had no children, but I knew that I could no longer tolerate his behaviour. That is a decision you have to make - can you carry on knowing that he is not going to change.

Since leaving, I have moved abroad - something I have always wanted to do - and have met a lovely man.

dearbarbie

reallypeedoff wrote: »

Thanks everyone for their thoughts and hugs.

I perhaps should have explained that I have confronted him about it all and his excuse basically boiled down to that I didn't give him enough attention - perhaps I didn't, to be honest most of my time was spent running the kids around, going to work etc etc and yes I suppose I was subserviant in that respect - putting their lives before mine.

That is a pathetic excuse. He has a mouth on his face to communicate with, surely he can talk about his issues like an adult and tell you he wants more attention rather than going to other people for it? Don't accept that excuse hun, sorry, but he's going to make you think it's your own fault and it's not yours at all.
Of course things change when you have kids. That's something he should accept, and I'm sure you could also argue he's not given you enough attention either.

As for me wanting my cake and eating it, I would like to wash all this away, have a happy married life with my husband and kids in a house I've worked hard on but as I mentioned in my 1st post I know the likelihood of him cheating again is odds on but I suppose I'm scared of moving out of my comfort zone.

Think how many times in the past in your life you've moved out of your comfort zone. Chances are, it was never as hard as you thought and you felt relief after? Things like moving house, growing up, etc. You don't need this loser, you need self-respect and you will never get that from him. Your children will surely be picking up on how mummy and daddy aren't happy!

Chollita

reallypeedoff wrote: »

I perhaps should have explained that I have confronted him about it all and his excuse basically boiled down to that I didn't give him enough attention -

Deflection of blame - classic reaction when feeling guilty.