Cheating husband - your thoughts please

reallypeedoff_2

Oh goodness - feel like I'm going mad!!!!
Have used an annonymous name in case anyone recognises am so embarrassed but need your thoughts...

Found out earlier this year my husband of 15+ years has been cheating on me again!!

Brief history:
Got 2 almost teenage kids
Have been cheated on before with someone at his work (and I mean actual cheating - no virtual here!!)
Before that he used sex chat lines when I was at work (not long after I had 1st child)
After the chat lines he was sending letters to someone at his work - no more that I know of.
Then I thought everything was fine (7yrs later) only to find he had been texting quite a few women often (found out by accident - had no suspisions) confronted and one of these he'd slept with (that he admitted) - as I was going through a major work trauma and thought I had his support.

Now:
I realise that he will probably cheat again.
Through past credit problems although I am on a fairly good salary now I know I would never be accepted for a mortgage on my own (not an option to downsize as at low end anyway and in a bit better situation thanks to this site) - don't want to upset kids with a divorce/seperation AND a house move as important time of their lives.

Help:
To cut a long story short, I suppose I want my cake and to eat it too - I know I need to get my life back in order, I know I need to "kick him into touch" but my priority is my kids and keeping them well looked after and grounded. Any advise welcome....

Alisonsvilla

my advice-dump in. A leopard doesn't change his spots.

misty

If you have decided that's it and enough is enough and it sounds as though you have - you don't need to do anything immediately. You can seek advice regarding your financial situation - whether that is tax credits, a mortgage etc.

I understand you not wanting to upset your children with a move but maybe they'd be less bothered about a house move then you think.

I think at this point it sounds as if you just need a friend - real or virtual. He has let you down - despite you giving him other chances - and that must be disappointing and upsetting. I would trawl the boards here for both practical advice and a sympathetic ear. I hope it works out well for you - best wishes

hobo28

I don't think anyone would blame you if you called it a day. But I don't think there is any way in which as you say to have your cake and eat it.

Such a big move like divorce will undoubtly have a big effect on your kids. I know my parents divorce had a huge impact on me. However its important to point out that it doesn't mean your kids will end up deliquants. Just that it will impact them one way or another. A house move within the grand scale of things I don't think will be massive as long as both parents are still there for them and if at all possible they stay at the same school so that they have some constants.

Spendless

A number of my friends have remained in the marital home when their marriage broke up and a charge put on the house, for the ex partner to have his share either by a re-mortgage or selling the property after the youngest child, leaves f-time education (which I understand to be end of A-levels not end of uni). THeir children have been younger than yours when this happened, I don't know if this is taken into account.

I also have a friend whose husband has had 'real' affairs on several occassions, including when she was pregnant, with her best friend, and with his sister's best friend.:rolleyes: On each occassion she has had him back, cos she wants to keep her house, the lifestyle to which she is acustomed. I totally believe her husband will continue to be unfaithful.

I know I couldn't live with a constantly unfaithful husband.

sukysue

I think you really need to go and get financial advice before you kick him out. Do this in secret. Find out your benefits that you alone with the kids can claim. Be aware that you may have to give up your job in order to care for them as they are not old enough to be left alone for long periods at a time. (What will you do for hols or if they are poorly and home from school?)You need to seriously think about this long and hard (no knee jerk reaction ) as you need to have all the evidence for (if it comes to it ) the divorce. I would also start secreting money away in an account with someone else's name you can really trust for you to draw on later. In other words you really need to have your wits about you to make a good life for yourself and your kids. Good luck and yes I know I am devious but what a waster to do this to her and his kids.He deserves a good kick in his nether regions!!

hev_2

Whatever you decide, just a heads up.

If you continue to live with him for more than six months after the last occurrence of adultery you have put in your divorce petition (ie, the relationship he is in rather than the actual wotsit) then you will be considered to have accepted this. You will need to use Behaviour as grounds.

I think you need to work out what is important to you, what you need and what you cannot manage without and then use that as a basis for research about what you can do.

People are marvellous creatures, and we can adapt to all sorts, whether living with someone you know has been unfaithful or living with desperately changed circumstances. You will be the best person to judge what is the line which he cannot cross before nothing makes it worth while staying with him.

Two things strike me - you do not need to act now. You can make plans to act in the future and I think it might be an idea. If nothing else it can make you feel more in control and less at the mercy of your husband. And you must make sure that when you are both with your children you are showing them positive behaviour. Children of the age of yours are seeing their home as normal and this is the yardstick they will use in future relationships.

Nicifer_noonoo

reallypeedoff wrote: »

To cut a long story short, I suppose I want my cake and to eat it too - I know I need to get my life back in order, I know I need to "kick him into touch" but my priority is my kids and keeping them well looked after and grounded. Any advise welcome....

I'm sorry to sound all Trisha-esque, but you need to leave him. Keeping your kids well grounded doesn't include showing them that their mum is a push over and teaching them to accept such dreadful treatment in their own adult relationships.

I hope everything works out for you.

angel_shopper

id just like to say i really feel for you.unfortunately this is far too common a situation now.have you actually told him you know about the texts ect?
sounds to me like hes the one having his cake and eating it!trouble is, cos hes gotten away with it before he'll keep doing it simply because he can!
get rid of him.it'll be hard in the beginning but along the line youll realise you did the right thing and it'll be the best thing youve ever done!pm me if you want to talk.sometimes it helps talking to someone out of the situation.it does get better.xxx

Cornishpixie_2

reallypeedoff wrote: »

Oh goodness - feel like I'm going mad!!!!
Have used an annonymous name in case anyone recognises am so embarrassed but need your thoughts...

Found out earlier this year my husband of 15+ years has been cheating on me again!!

Brief history:
Got 2 almost teenage kids
Have been cheated on before with someone at his work (and I mean actual cheating - no virtual here!!)
Before that he used sex chat lines when I was at work (not long after I had 1st child)
After the chat lines he was sending letters to someone at his work - no more that I know of.
Then I thought everything was fine (7yrs later) only to find he had been texting quite a few women often (found out by accident - had no suspisions) confronted and one of these he'd slept with (that he admitted) - as I was going through a major work trauma and thought I had his support.

Now:
I realise that he will probably cheat again.
Through past credit problems although I am on a fairly good salary now I know I would never be accepted for a mortgage on my own (not an option to downsize as at low end anyway and in a bit better situation thanks to this site) - don't want to upset kids with a divorce/seperation AND a house move as important time of their lives.

Help:
To cut a long story short, I suppose I want my cake and to eat it too - I know I need to get my life back in order, I know I need to "kick him into touch" but my priority is my kids and keeping them well looked after and grounded. Any advise welcome....

hI , I seperated from my husband for 18 months on my own with 4 young children, anyway we have ended up back together but still a few things not right that we have to discuss without starting world war 3:eek:. I would collect all the info together on entitlements make a free 1/2 hr app. solicitors they will offer mediation only you know if that would work. Bottom line is you mean business enough is enough. What is he gong to do about it. Kids will adjust but difficult, guess you'll just have to say he's had few affairs and the trust has gone sure they will understand. Good luck

snipzychick

This is awful for you hun :grouphug:

But i think you already know what you have to do imo. He is disrespecting you and your marriage repeatedly this is unacceptable. If you let him get off scott free again he will do it again and you know it.

You are concerned for the children if you separate which is understandable, do you think he thought of them or you when cheating on you?

You deserve better than this man, and why the hell are you embarrassed? It's him that can't keep his zipper up