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Cheating husband - your thoughts please

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24

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  • neas
    neas Posts: 3,801 Forumite
    So instead of doing whats right for yourself you are more worried about a house... and will live in a loveless relationship for the house/kids... remind me of a blink 182 song, stay together for the kids.

    Do whats right for yourself and your kids.. im sure you could rent or even claim half of the house through divorce proceedings, as you'd be the carer of the kids... he will prb cheat again, once a cheat always a cheat i say.
  • RoxieW
    RoxieW Posts: 3,016 Forumite
    poor you- threads like this make my blood run cold. i think you must be married to every womans worst nightmare! like the song says ' breaking up is hard to do!' practically and emotionally. but i have friends who've been through this, come out the other end and say that getting rid is the best thing they ever did. They are SO much happier now its untrue. your kids deserve a happy, respected mum!
    MANAGED TO CLEAR A 3K OVERDRAFT IN ONE FRUGAL, SUPER CHARGED MONEY EARNING MONTH!:j
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    "It's not always rainbows and butterflies, It's compromise that moves us along."
  • Jei70
    Jei70 Posts: 281 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    I'm not quite sure what you mean by having your cake and eating it. Do you mean having a loving, faithful husband and a happy home for your children? To me that's a normal marriage, not an impossible goal.

    Or did you mean that you want to have some fun on your side (an open marriage), while keeping the marriage intact for the finances and the kids? I keep hearing that those can work - however, I only have personal knowledge of one such marriage which ended in a divorce anyway.

    So, I can see a few options:

    1. You confront your husband and somehow stop him cheating. I don't know how, I'm afraid. I don't believe in 'once a cheater, always a cheater', but I do believe that if you continue doing what you've always done, you'll get the results you've always been getting. Do you have any inkling why he's cheating? Is there anything he cannot get in your marriage that he's trying to find outside? Have you been to counselling?

    2. You confront him and get a divorce. I understand you should be able to stay in the house with the kids until the youngest is 18 (or out of school), but you'd probably be better off getting some info, maybe from a Citizens Advice Bureau. Based on what you posted, I would recommend this option. You've forgiven before, but he hasn't changed - you deserve better!

    3. You say nothing. This is dangerous; your husband can just continue to cheat on you, or he could really fall for someone else and dump you. I don't know if that would result in a worse divorce settlement than if you started the proceedings, but (at least to me) it would be even more humiliating.

    I really hope that option 1 works for you!
    Cogito, ergo sum.
  • Francophile
    Francophile Posts: 765 Forumite
    Get advice, advice and more advice before you do anything. Be sure of where you stand and then at least as Hev says you will have some control over your own destiny. Hope it all works out for you.
    Member #7 SKI-ers Club
    Norn Ireland Club Member 215
  • crazyangel_2
    crazyangel_2 Posts: 184 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    I have been there i was married to a man who was addicted to sex lines ,then it progressed to affairs,prostitiues and to putting an add in the lonely heart coloumn of the local paper.Yes i forgave him over 12 times and in the end my own sanity was worth more than a few quid extra.I have now been divorced 5 years and i am a single parent.I have no money my own home was sold and i live in rented accomodation.What i am saying is you can make it alone,my life also came into consideration as i caught several VD's from him it could have been worse and it could have been HIV,so think about that.Then your kids will really loose everything and not just a full time dad.
  • ailuro2
    ailuro2 Posts: 7,540 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    You will have to make a move one way or the other.

    What will he say when you refuse 'marital relations' on the grounds he could be passing on Chlamydia, syphillis, herpes, HIV etc on to you? Will you then feel guilty for having forced him into the arms of someone else. :confused:

    You need to do something about your low self-worth and then stand up and be counted.

    If you don't feel able yet to do it for yourself, then do it for the kids you are leading into a life of similar behaviour because they will grow up thinking it's normal.

    Good Luck, and try to be stronger!
    Member of the first Mortgage Free in 3 challenge, no.19
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  • moo2moo
    moo2moo Posts: 4,694 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    What a g!t. Don't waste any more of your life on this complete waster who really doesn't value you. There are plenty of lovely men out there who will worship the ground you walk on and would never ever do a thing like this to embarass or humiliate you.

    Kids will survive a divorce and a house move. What they don't want is an unhappy mummy and a furtive creep of a daddy.
    Saving for a Spinning Wheel and other random splurges : £183.50
  • eira
    eira Posts: 611 Forumite
    Agree with Sukey sue.What happened to me still causes me bloodchills-although I have turned it into a 'good laugh'.My ex was always the Lothario-and I took it for granted that was how it should be-he was perfect and I wasn't etc. Anyway women came and went and you could always predict the type until
    . He met a serial monogamist- a 'good Catholic' who had the misfortune to have 'two previous husbands that didn't deserve her'. He went to the States, having borrowed money on the house before he left and he took her 'to give her a holiday from her cruel husband no 2'. You wouldn't believe I accepted all this -unbelivable I know ! He spent money in New York on his credit cards which I paid out of the 'maintenance' he sent for the kids. I didn't snap until; the mortgage of over £1400 a month was late because he had taken her to Yellowstone National Park for a 'well-deserved holiday'. I ask you !

    I do hate divorce stories but listening to others can help you protect yourself. Financially she cleaned husband no 2 out to the tune of well over £500,000 and ruined him. I got the repayment of a £360 loan from ex and all the debts he left in my name. I had two small children-she had none.

    It is -as you see- so extreme it does have comic implications. Now I'd do exactly what Sue advised-protect yourself and the children-especially financially. Do it fast, do it discreetly, do it thoroughly before you do anything else.

    Good luck
  • robpw2
    robpw2 Posts: 14,044 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    please do not whatever you do justify the toe-rag staying because of your kids.
    Children know whats going on however quiet you try to be about it or try to keep the argumnets tll after they have gone to bed.

    You shouldnt have to put up with his indiscrestions there are two people in a marriage and he seems to be extremely selfish.

    Get rid and find someone you deserve . It will benefit you in the long term

    the trust has gone once i guess you can forgive but twice is taking it to far. Are you ready to wait for the third time ?

    only stay with him if it is what you truly want ! otherwise when do the excuses end .


    Slimming world start 28/01/2012 starting weight 21st 2.5lb current weight 17st 9-total loss 3st 7.5lb
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  • Quackers
    Quackers Posts: 10,157 Forumite
    My marriage ended in Nov'07 after 17years together.

    My biggest fear was my children and how they were going to cope. (13 & 15 at the time)

    They handled it so well & it made me realise that I had 2 amazing young women here who dealt with it so much better than I ever imagined. I really didn't realise how mature & understanding they wereredface.gif

    I just want you to know that all of our children are stronger than we can ever imagine. Its natural for us to want to protect them but you also really do need to look after yourself.

    YOU deserve better than this. Your children will be fine :)

    Feel free to pm me if you want to chat about anything :)

    Take care xxx
    Sometimes it's important to work for that pot of gold...But other times it's essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow...
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