Depression Support Thread

Tyler_Du

Sazbo wrote: »

Well, i do understand that. As the good people on this thread will tell you, it took me a long time to face up to the fact I needed counselling and then when I could accept I needed it, it took a lot of love, encouragement and support - not least from our Tiff here, before I had the courage to actually go. It's not easy.

Would you consider counselling for yourself? I don't know her of course, but perhaps if Sam could see that you were prepared to meet her halfway in process, she might feel heartened by that? It does seem a little, from the outside, that the issues are presented as perhaps being mainly hers to fix? I do hope you don't take any offence by my saying that Tyler, I'm saying it with an open heart.

I wish you both well.

Sazzy x

No offence taken, I'm grateful for your help / input.

I totally agree, I don't see this as a problem for Sam to fix, we both need to work though this. When I had counselling for my addiction problem, we did both go to the first few sessions before my ones started properly, I might just call them next week, who would you suggest ? Relate ?

I'm really thinking of speaking to her dad about the situation, but I'm just afraid it would make things much worse.

Sazbo

Tyler_Durden_UK wrote: »

No offence taken, I'm grateful for your help / input.

I totally agree, I don't see this as a problem for Sam to fix, we both need to work though this. When I had counselling for my addiction problem, we did both go to the first few sessions before my ones started properly, I might just call them next week, who would you suggest ? Relate ?

I'm really thinking of speaking to her dad about the situation, but I'm just afraid it would make things much worse.

Relate would be a good place to start I think x

Why do you think it might make things worse hun? Do you have a good relationship with her dad? Might be worth a try.

s

Tyler_Du

Sazbo wrote: »

Why do you think it might make things worse hun? Do you have a good relationship with her dad?

I'm just afraid that if I speak to her dad and she finds out, that she would just leave and do god knows what, I have a better relationship with her Mum and have spoken to her a lot this last few days, she knows the situation but is over 100 miles away.

Its bad enough trying to make these posts 'in secret'

Edit : I'm going offline for a bit, will be back later

Tiff_2

Hi tyler!:hello:
You did really well in putting a series of very emotional and serious situations down so well, tyler. I am so sorry that you have both been through such hard times. Thanks again for sharing the story with us. No problems with the length of your post hun - I'm the most guilty one of all for that here.
Before I go on tyler, I just want to say that I am not a professional, this is all based on my humble opinion and that any ideas need to be thought about at length and you should use your own judgement as to the steps you might consider taking. Let's have a look angel...


[quoye=tyler]The reason I've given you our life story, is that last week (Thursday in fact) I was booking a short break, 2 days in Brighton for Sam and I (and her Mum). Its Sam birthday soon, I'd booked the whole week off work and thought it would be lovely for us to get away for a couple of days and Sam could enjoy a little time with her Mum. I'd booked that early in the evening, Sam and been on the phone to her Mum and they were both excited and looking forward to getting away, we'd just had dinner and I mentioned to Sam that maybe we should start back on our healthy eating plan and she should think about starting her exercise programme again (I'd been thinking about bringing that up for weeks, but had been reluctant as it always upset Sam) Sam of course became upset about this and quickly lost her tempter, she started raising her voice, saying that we're finished and that she wanted me to pack a bag and leave.

She also took down all the photos in our living room of us, including our wedding photos and put them in the kitchen bin and spat on then. I stayed calm and said I wasn't leaving as I'd done nothing wrong and tried my best to calm Sam down. Sam then said she was going to call the police, in fact she showed me her dialling 999 and did (I thought at the time) call the police, she told them she was in her house and that her husband wouldn't leave and she was afraid. I wasn't sure if she had actually called the police (she's normally very private about matters like this and very rarely gets outside parties involved). I continued trying to calm things down and after 5/10 minutes it became clear that she hadn't called the police, during this time she also said that she was going to give herself a black eye and tell the police I had beaten her up, she also began shouting loudly that she was being attacked etc, so our neighbours could hear. She also began slapping herself around the face very hard. I didn't know what to do, if I tried to stop her by grabbing her wrists I would probably cause bruising. At this point Sam moved into the kitchen and grabbed a kitchen knife and said she was going to hurt herself unless I packed a bag and left, I tried to get her to put the knife down but she wouldn't, that seemed to made her worse as she then put the knife to her throat and said if I didn't start packing a bag by the count of 10 she would cut her throat, I didn't know what to do so went upstairs and starting packing a bag, it took me a few minutes to find a bag by which time Sam had come upstairs, she had seemed to have calmed down a bit by then and I got her to agree than I wouldn't leave but sleep in the spare room.

In my humble opinion, I think it's important to break it all down and prioritise the points you raised hun. How much you love her is not in doubt and it must have taken a lot to be so honest about all the issues.

Right hun - your wife is grieving, is very angry at everything and the unfairness of it all and above all else, it seems that sam is carrying a whole lot of guilt around. This is on top of any depressive or mental ill health that's already there. Yes, with wonderful hindsight, people can be very touchy about weight issues angel and I bet you wish you could take it back even though said with good intentions. It's obvious sam became hysterical and threatened to self-harm. She must have felt backed into a corner and was lashing out at her loved one. This is NOT to say you made her feel that way, I'm just saying that's how it sounds like she's feeling right now.
I think sam is very scared and needing to grieve and feels stuck in all her pain. There's no set time line for this hun - and I know you must have been devastated by the loss yourself. It sounds to me that sam maybe isn't ready right now to try for another child, tbh tyler. She may be linking weight loss with the thoughts of ''Oh god, now I've going to get pregnant. What's going to happen?'', even though you're not saying that. She needs to resolve any issues she has with the loss of her baby and above all else, she needs to get help for her mental ill health first so that she'd be in the best psition to enjoy your next child.

I could sit here and throw a page of resources and contacts for you and sam to investigate, but I don't think it's the right time for that now. It would not benefit sam as she'd probably see it as more criticism, even though that's not what it is. I don't think she'd benefit from it and take it all in and may be quite insulted if I did that. She is in a really hard place right now - as you are! - and when things are so volatile, you have to tread softly.

Okay, the first and only priority right now, is to make sure that sam is safe. Keeping quiet is not an option hunnie in my humble opinion, I'm afraid.

I know you don't want to jeopardise everything sweetie, but I think that maybe the first thing you should do IS to talk to her mum and dad. Do they know about the earlier depression? The reason I say this is that, God forbid, if anything did happen to sam, her parents would be wanting to know why they were never told. You would then also have the biggest guilt trip and torment of your life. Having said that, you are the only one who knows how much you can say without wrecking sam's privacy.
As much as you love her hun, you can't be held to emotional ransom and you have to put what's best for sam first. She could be worried about what everyone's going to think of her and that no-one will understand. Your part here is to decide which parent, or both, you tell - which option sam would prefer - it is very important that you are not the only person involved in making any of the decisions. I think it's important to get someone in place first who's not involved in these issues hunnie, and who would have a clearer perspective...and the professionals are the best ones for that.

If sam threatens to self-harm or reacts that way again, please phone your dr or the police immediately.

If you, and/or her mum/dad/both, can talk her into it, she could go to her dr, or A&E out of hours, and get mental health support. They'll treat her with nothing but compassion and understanding. It's not good for her to feel that it's a 'treatment' case - it really would be support for herangel. It doesn't mean she'd be admitted to a hospital necessarily either, as many areas have a Crisis Team that work with clients, enabling them to stay at home. I've put the NHSDirect number here which I got from the MIND website. They do deal with mental health emergencies.
NHS Direct
tel: 0845 4647
For information and advice on any health problem, including the services you may need to contact. Available 24 hours a day.
Failing that, go with or without her, tomorrow and see your gp. they will guide you through resources and access them quickly if necessary.


In the past when we've fallen out, she usually doesn't speak to me for a couple days, but then we make up and things get back to normal.
This time she says its all over, we're getting a divorce and shes leaving, she hasn't really spoken to me since Thurs night, she tells me she has an appointment on Monday with a solicitor regarding a divorce, that she has spoken to an estate agent about coming round
next week to value the house, and that she is looking to move out / get her own place. Her Dad can round yesterday and she said if I told him anything about what was happening she would walk out of the house and I would never see her again. She refuses pretty much to look at me or talk to me about what is happening. For a brief moment yesterday she did say that whenever I mention her weight or suggest she do anything about it that it makes her feel like her heart is being torn out, I told her I don't say those things to hurt her or cause
her pain, but that sometimes we have to say the hard things. She also said that she is afraid of getting pregnant again in case she has another miscarriage.
It's apparent that sam has not had any professional support during a crucial event. As hard as it is for you hun, you'll have to wait until sam is ready, and well enough, to have another baby. I agree that sometimes we do have to say hard things, but now isn't the time, imho. Maybe the fact that she put weight back on is a clue that she's not ready. After such a loss, anything may feel like pressure to her. Even if she says she does want another baby right now, what she might mean is that she loves you and doesn't want to let you or anyone else down. Here the guilt she seems to feel is evident. She is a very frightened lady.


Sam told me yesterday that she was leaving to protect herself from anymore hurt / pain, I asked her if she was throwing away our marriage so that she doesn't have to face a difficult situation she said yes.
Yes hunnie - that's just how scared she is right now. She'll probably be adding on the guilt of ruining her marriage on top of losing the baby as we speak. When we're this low, this scared, we'll do our best to avoid the issues which sadly, will usually come back to haunt us later - and with interest added on too. It's important too, that sam doesn't feel like she's being ganged up on - or she'll just clam up.


I just don't know what to do, its feels like my whole life is falling apart, if I suggest to Sam that I need to speak to her Mum or Dad about what is happening she threatens to just leave, and I'm afraid of what she might do to herself. I can't force her to not see a solicitor / estate agent etc. She point blank refuses to go and see relate or get any form of counselling whatsoever. I tried speaking to our doctor recently because I thought she might need some counselling, but he said he couldn't do anything unless she came to him (which she won't do)
Have you spoken to your dr since Thursday, tyler? If not, you need to bring him up to date tomorrow. Yes, the dr is right, she has to come too, to get help, UNLESS she is a danger to herself or others, in which case you can request an assessment from them. The speed at which she's moving from looking forward to a trip away, to divorce and selling the house, shows how awful this young lady must be feeling.
Now being honest here, she won't thank anyone for getting involved right now tyler, because she doesn't want to be involved. If it's any consolation to you, remember that divorce solicitors and estate agents take a lot of time to work with - so nothing is going to happen overnight.


What the hell can/should I do, speak to her Dad (which might make things worse) or what ?
The next closest person to sam should be the one to become involved as well. After you, who does she trust the most? I see what a hard place you're in angel - you both have my sympathy because you're both hurting so much. There's going to be a long haul solution in steps for this hun, so it all needs to be handled with kid gloves.
I can hear the urgency apparent in both your situations and I'd say take a step back if you can. The less threatened sam feels, the more likely she is to calm down and maybe reach out, but only when she's ready. Which isn't fair to you hunnie, I know. Maybe you could suggest that you hear how much pain she's in and how stressed she feels, that you love her and why doesn't she go and stay with her parents for a couple of days? Just a thought hun.

tyler wrote:

Sorry about the huge post, if you've got this far you'll know it a complicated matter. Havin just re-read that all I should add further that Sam has been reluctant to see her doctor and speak to him about her depression ( which seems clear now has re-surfaced) because she didn't want to go back on medication as we've trying to get pregnant.

What a choice to have - take meds suggested by dr for mental ill health issue and wait before trying for a baby again or do without meds, struggle daily and have a baby?
Trust me, it wrenches at your guts tyler when you realise that actually no, you're not any better with your mental ill health issues than you were before you started the meds.
And to have stopped the meds for the sake of something wonderful, and then to have lost it is heart-breaking stuff.
Nothing is going to be resolved today or tomorrow angel - it really is a long haul situation. The heat needs to be taken out of the issues involved hunnie and time needs to be lovingly applied to the situation.

Meanwhile hunnie, if you'd like some support ideas for yourself, I'll willingly pop down to the Tiff archives,, and see what I can come up with. Just give me a shout and tell me what area you're in, so I can source appropriate local info for you.
I hope something here has helped hun - remember I'm not a professional and you should always get a second -and third - opinion.
Please feel free to post back any time if you're struggling tyler - there are some really wonderfully kind souls here. Take care hun.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Tiff_2

Hi sazzy!:hello:
Morning!:cool:
How's you hunnie? Feels good to see the ol' tag-team in action.:D
And sazzy's right, katie-tulip - life would be a lot more bearable if only we could get a hug when we really needed one.

Sazbo wrote: »

Well, i do understand that. As the good people on this thread will tell you, it took me a long time to face up to the fact I needed counselling and then when I could accept I needed it, it took a lot of love, encouragement and support - not least from our Tiff here, before I had the courage to actually go. It's not easy.
Sazzy x

Bless your kind words (and twisted logic!:rolleyes: ), sazzy angel, - but sweetheart, you were all that you needed.;) :A Loves you muchly.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Sazbo

I have much to thank you for Tiffy and you know it. But i'd be even more thankful if you took the lock off the smartie cupboard:D

Sxx

Tiff_2

Hi sazzery!:hello:
Ditto!
Sorry hun, just popped out to do a David Bellamy out in the back forest, er, I mean garden, before it rains. Electricity. me and water don't go too well together! No - literally !

NO YOU CAN'T!!! I've been hard at work with the smartie inventory - see -




Er, you weren't supposed to see that - that's a Health and Safety pastille counting training film - the before bit - honest!

Can you come out to play in about half an hour or so?:D
Love to all!
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Sazbo

Tiff wrote: »

Can you come out to play in about half an hour or so?:D

i'm happy to give packing duties the slip

xx

EDIT: is it me peeps or is posting on MSE really s-l-o-w the past few days?

Tiff_2

yyyyyy......eeeeee.......

Tiff_2

.....sssss!
hee hee - sorry saz -couldn't resist!
Much Love,
Tiff xxx