Depression Support Thread

juno

I'm starting to realise that I have nothing in my lie except work and the internet. And I dunno, I just want something else. I'm going out on Wednesday, but it's still a work thing and everyone there will be 20 years older than me.

Tyler_Du

Hi all I hope this is the right place to post this because I really need some support / advice regarding my wife.

I'm going to start with some history to the situation, My wife and I have been married for 7 years and have known each other for 10, we are both in our late 30s, I'll be 40 at the end of this year. We have no children, but have been trying for several years (more on than later). My wife Sam has suffered depression in the past and was diagnosed medication by her doctor, this helped a lot at the time, but I feel she didn't address the underlying causes of her depression, she came off the medication when we started trying for a baby.
My wife has as long as I've know her has had issues with self esteem / body image and feeling of being worthless etc. These I feel are grounded in several things from her past, she suffered abuse as a small child, when she was young her Mum and Dad separated and she was bought up my her Dad, she had no contact with her Mum until about 8 years ago (just before we got married infact, her Mum came to our wedding). She has aways disliked her birthdays, and has always I feel, felt abandoned my her Mum. The situation with her Mum improved greatly when they were able to finally get back in touch and spend time together, we live in the Midlands and her Mum is in London, infact, I'd say that Sam is closer now to her Mum than I am to mine She has always struggled with her weight and been very sensitive with regards to talking about it etc.
To compound matters further, before I met Sam, I had used pornography (a lot), I didn't see this as a problem as I felt 'all men use it', this continued when we got married and caused great pain to my wife and damage to our marriage (when Sam found !!!!!! on the PC and such, more than once). This of course caused huge trust issues for us. It was several years into the marriage before I finally admitted I had a problem and had addiction counselling (about 2.5 years ago).

I should also add that for the last 5/6 years Sam hasn't worked (apart from being a housewife of course) and doesn't really spend much time away from the house.

I'll move forward now to more recent times, as I said earlier we've been trying for a baby, we had gotten though the problems caused by my addiction and wanted to focus now on starting a family, we were unsuccessful and started seeing the fertility consultant at our local hospital, at the first appointment we didn't actually see the consultant but one of the fertility nurses, one of the first things the nurse said to us was that my wife needed to lose weight (her doctor has been telling her that for years), I had some fertility tests and everything seemed fine at my end (so to speak).

We started on a healthy eating program, Sam begain to lose weight and we continued to see the fertility consultant every 6 months or so.
Sam finally became pregnant last year, we were both over the moon, although I must admit I was more reserved about it than Sam was. Anyway this was great news, at the same time I got a call from my brother in Hong Kong (a few years younger than me, had got married a couple years ago), to tell me that his wife was expecting their first child (they has only been trying for a month, lucky sods). My brothers baby was due the same week as ours, what wonderful news for my Mum and Dad.
Sam and I had our first scan, it was before the 12 weeks, somebody had cancelled and the hospital offered us the scan. We had the scan only to be told that Sam had suffered a 'probable failure of pregnancy', I can't remember the exact phrase I'm afraid, and that in all likelihood Sam would miscarry sometime during the following weeks, this was a terrible few weeks for us, as the hospital couldn't confirm either way what would happen. Shortly after, we were getting ready to travel to London for my Mums 60 birthday, my Dad had arranged a secret party for her (my brother was coming over from Hong Kong for it). Sam was having a shower and the miscarriage started. We went straight to our local hospital and Sam was admitted, as you can imagine this was a horrible day for both of us - following details spoilered as its not nice,
at one point during the day, a (female) doctor was examining Sam and removing blood clots etc from her, the doctor removed something from Sam and put it in a test tube, she then proceeded to show us both what it was (a tiny kidney bean sized foetus).

Sam spent the night in the hospital and came home the following day, we got though life as best we could, Sam didn't get any external counselling / support after the miscarriage.
Last month our baby would have been born, my brother has his baby, we were happy for him but of course sad for ourselves, the day our baby would have been born, we visited my wife Nans grave and put flowers down. At around the same time, I received a phone call from one of our best friends, they live in London and got married at the same time as us, I was his best man, they had also been trying for a baby and had already had their first child since we had been trying, they had got pregnant again. Sam seemed to handle things during this time very well, infact she made a point of telling me several times recently how much she loved me and that she felt we were closer than ever.

The reason I've given you our life story, is that last week (Thursday in fact) I was booking a short break, 2 days in Brighton for Sam and I (and her Mum). Its Sam birthday soon, I'd booked the whole week off work and thought it would be lovely for us to get away for a couple of days and Sam could enjoy a little time with her Mum. I'd booked that early in the evening, Sam and been on the phone to her Mum and they were both excited and looking forward to getting away, we'd just had dinner and I mentioned to Sam that maybe we should start back on our healthy eating plan and she should think about starting her exercise programme again (I'd been thinking about bringing that up for weeks, but had been reluctant as it always upset Sam) Sam of course became upset about this and quickly lost her tempter, she started raising her voice, saying that we're finished and that she wanted me to pack a bag and leave.
She also took down all the photos in our living room of us, including our wedding photos and put them in the kitchen bin and spat on then. I stayed calm and said I wasn't leaving as I'd done nothing wrong and tried my best to calm Sam down. Sam then said she was going to call the police, in fact she showed me her dialling 999 and did (I thought at the time) call the police, she told them she was in her house and that her husband wouldn't leave and she was afraid. I wasn't sure if she had actually called the police (she's normally very private about matters like this and very rarely gets outside parties involved). I continued trying to calm things down and after 5/10 minutes it became clear that she hadn't called the police, during this time she also said that she was going to give herself a black eye and tell the police I had beaten her up, she also began shouting loudly that she was being attacked etc, so our neighbours could hear. She also began slapping herself around the face very hard. I didn't know what to do, if I tried to stop her by grabbing her wrists I would probably cause bruising. At this point Sam moved into the kitchen and grabbed a kitchen knife and said she was going to hurt herself unless I packed a bag and left, I tried to get her to put the knife down but she wouldn't, that seemed to made her worse as she then put the knife to her throat and said if I didn't start packing a bag by the count of 10 she would cut her throat, I didn't know what to do so went upstairs and starting packing a bag, it took me a few minutes to find a bag by which time Sam had come upstairs, she had seemed to have calmed down a bit by then and I got her to agree than I wouldn't leave but sleep in the spare room.
In the past when we've fallen out, she usually doesn't speak to me for a couple days, but then we make up and things get back to normal.
This time she says its all over, we're getting a divorce and shes leaving, she hasn't really spoken to me since Thurs night, she tells me she has an appointment on Monday with a solicitor regarding a divorce, that she has spoken to an estate agent about coming round
next week to value the house, and that she is looking to move out / get her own place. Her Dad can round yesterday and she said if I told him anything about what was happening she would walk out of the house and I would never see her again. She refuses pretty much to look at me or talk to me about what is happening. For a brief moment yesterday she did say that whenever I mention her weight or suggest she do anything about it that it makes her feel like her heart is being torn out, I told her I don't say those things to hurt her or cause
her pain, but that sometimes we have to say the hard things. She also said that she is afraid of getting pregnant again in case she has another miscarriage.

Sam told me yesterday that she was leaving to protect herself from anymore hurt / pain, I asked her if she was throwing away our marriage so that she doesn't have to face a difficult situation she said yes.

I just don't know what to do, its feels like my whole life is falling apart, if I suggest to Sam that I need to speak to her Mum or Dad about what is happening she threatens to just leave, and I'm afraid of what she might do to herself. I can't force her to not see a solicitor / estate agent etc. She point blank refuses to go and see relate or get any form of counselling whatsoever. I tried speaking to our doctor recently because I thought she might need some counselling, but he said he couldn't do anything unless she came to him (which she won't do)

What the hell can/should I do, speak to her Dad (which might make things worse) or what ?

Sorry about the huge post, if you've got this far you'll know it a complicated matter.

Havin just re-read that all I should add further that Sam has been reluctant to see her doctor and speak to him about her depression ( which seems clear now has re-surfaced) because she didn't want to go back on medication as we've trying to get pregnant.

Sazbo

Tiff wrote: »

Hi guys!:hello:
White rabbits, white rabbits, white rabbits!

..........Am I the only one that says little sayings like this?
Mum taught me as a kitteh, that you're supposed to say this as the first thing said on the first day of a month for good luck.

lol you won't believe this tiffy hun, but i was saying exactly this to someone last night and they thought I was one blue smartie short of a sazzy! As opposed to just a short sazzy...:o:D

My mum always says "rabbits, rabbits, rabbits" on first of month, but same difference xx

Tiff wrote: »

Some of us posted piccies many threads ago - what do you think saz hun, is it me or does this look like the gazzer or not?

Hun I think you confuzing him wiv someone else? Doesn't our gazbag have red hair and wear a kilt aka CU Jimmy aka Russ Abbott?! :rotfl:I'm only kidding gazzer, luvs ya really:D

gillette147 wrote: »

I'm not stupid enough to take tiffy on so I'll just say Ta xxx

hmm, you're evidently a smarter species of Gillius Badgerous than i thought!;):D
xxx

Good morning my lovlies :wave:

Sorry I've been a bit quiet - Friday I was struck down with the flu-y lurgie from hell. So last 24 hrs was pretty much a write-off. But feeling better now, thanks to the healing powers of chicken noodle soup:D

Meyore hun, thanks for the pm, hope you're ok today xx

Have a great day everyone. I gotta start to think about starting to think about packing:o:rotfl:

Love and kisses to you all,

Sazzy xxxxx

Sazbo

Tyler, thanks for posting. It can't have been easy. I can only post briefly right now, but what I want to say is that I do think you are right - that counselling is the way forward right now. Would you consider perhaps going together? As you suggest, there are many factors at work here, not just in relation to the miscarriage (but i am not belittling that experience in ANY way) but also between yourself and Sam?

Could you maybe discuss the possibility with her of joint counselling? Perhaps also, that might make Sam feel supported in the process, that she is not having to do all the 'work' herself?

Thank you again for posting, and feel free to post here anytime.

Take care,
Sazzy x

Tiff_2

Hi tyler!:hello:
Thank you for your sincere honesty hunnie - you are more than here among the thread's guardian angels. If I know sazzy, she's typing already.
Meanwhile tyler, I'm going to go and write my own reply too - probably say the same as sazzy and the other guys. Just wanted to let you know you aren't being ignored and I'm starting a reply for you and your wife.
Aside from anything else hun, it's great to hear how much you love her and that you want to help the relationship.
Hang in there angel.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Tulip

welcome Tyler,you have come to the right place for support *hugs* for you and Sam cant give advice I am afraid but the others will I am only good at giving out hugs


Katie

Tulip

see you later everyone,chat later as I am going to mums for lunch now

Katie

Tyler_Du

Thank you for your kind replies so far people, the big problem right now is that Sam refuses to even talk about counselling for us. I just feel so powerless right now.

Sazbo

Tyler_Durden_UK wrote: »

Thank you for your kind replies so far people, the big problem right now is that Sam refuses to even talk about counselling for us. I just feel so powerless right now.

Well, i do understand that. As the good people on this thread will tell you, it took me a long time to face up to the fact I needed counselling and then when I could accept I needed it, it took a lot of love, encouragement and support - not least from our Tiff here, before I had the courage to actually go. It's not easy.

Would you consider counselling for yourself? I don't know her of course, but perhaps if Sam could see that you were prepared to meet her halfway in the process, she might feel heartened by that? It does seem a little, from the outside, that the issues are presented as perhaps being mainly hers to fix? I do hope you don't take any offence by my saying that Tyler, I'm saying it with an open heart.

I wish you both well.

Sazzy x

Sazbo

Tulip wrote: »

I am only good at giving out hugs
Katie

Hey missy!:) There is no such thing as only about giving out hugs! They are much needed and much appreciated... and I should know coz I'm always first in the queue!:D

Have a good day hunni:)

Sazzyxxx