The giving up/cutting down alcohol support thread!

Leigh73

Hi all,

Hoping this finds you all well.

I hope you don't mind me popping in here. i did post a few times here before, but haven't for been on for the best part of a month.

Good God, am I struggling with my emotions tonight..

Where do I start?

Well..

I met a wonderful, intelligent, funny, sexy, kind, caring..perfect Lady last Christmas..well it was the 11th of December, at my God Mums party at a local bar.

At the time, I was essentially homeless, living with my Dad, and Life was very much 'up in the air'. Pretty scary, 'cos I couldn't see a way out.

Anyway, I get talking to this Lady, 'J' (36, two years older than me), and we get on so well. The chemistry is intense, and I ask her if I can kiss her...

"Sorry, I'd love to, but it's a bit complicated at the moment..I live with this guy, but we're not together in the 'biblical sense', but just living under the same roof for the sake as my son"...

So,I'm a gent, and we carry on chatting about the world and his dog..

A few days later, 'J' texts me, and after texting / calling / talking into the small hours for the next few few weeks, over Christmas / New Years, she eventually comes over (to my Dads) where we start to get to know each other more..we end up in bed..

I ask her if she's no longer with 'D', her ex- and she assures me not..again that nothing sexual has gone on between them for quite some time, and that they are only together for the sake of their 12 year old son. Apparently, their relationship had fallen apart months previously.

I trust her, and she comes over to my Dads about twice a week..We meet up in town, but only at a very secluded pub (this is when I started to get suspicious..), and where no-one would know us.

I ask her whats going on, and again she tries to reassure me that 'D', the ex-bloke is looking for a place to move out to, and that they hadn't been 'together' for ages...

In March, he moves out, as they think it only fair for J and her 12 year old son to stay in the family home..

Even though the ex has now moved out, J doesn't feel ready to 'go public' with 'us', as it would upset her son too much..Admittedly, I start to feel more and more frustrated at this point, that we can't be honest that we've in fact been an item since before last Christmas!
Alas, I give her the benefit of the doubt, and she assures me that we need to take things slowly 'cos of her lad.

We continue to just see each other alone, at my Dads once or twice a week, but it starts to get me down that we never go out.

We find out in May, that I'm being offered a flat by a local housing association. I can't wait...'J' is ecstatic that I'll be literally around the corner from where she lives, and she thinks that her son will start to feel less upset at his Dad living in a seperate house..that the time will soon be right to tell him about J and I..

The trouble is folks, this time never came..

I moved into my new pad on June 16th..

It seems like she panicked, once I moved here..and I started to doubt whether her ex had even moved out.

Things all came to a head a couple of weeks back, when I asked her outright if she was being straight with me..she told me she was "That you know he moved out months ago..."

She's told me that she loves me time and time again since January..but it breaks my heart that she still doesn't feel ready to tell her family and friends about us. I hate feeling like a flippin' secret!

I've been honest with her 101% about my struggle with booze...our relationship is starting to make my cravings worse however, yet the irony is, the madness is..that she tells me that because her ex-bloke was a drinker, that she'd like to see me sober for a bit again before she takes the plunge and tells everyone.

Apparently, their son hated his Dad drinking, and well folks, things between J and I all came to a very sad change of direction about two weeks ago..

I told her that unless we can start going out as a normal couple, that I deserved better, and that while I appreciated that her son had to comes first, that it was hurting like hell that we 'hid away' like an illicit couple..I told her I had to say goodbye.

I then started to really regret this a few days later, but she wouldn't talk to me ..."What's the point..if we see each other again, what's to stop you breaking things off again next week?"

So, she then wouldn't talk to me, and over the weekend of the 4th / 5th July, I fell off the wagon and went out on an almighty bender..stupid I know, but my head was racing :mad:

J came around to mine on the Sunday..lovely seeing her, but again it's a couple of hours behind closed doors at mine, and she's off..

Same happens on Tuesday..but she just seems different. I ask her whats wrong..and she just tells me that because of her circumstances, she can't offer me what I want (the whole normal couple thing)...cos of her son.

So, that week guys..last week is hell. I've never felt so low, so heartbroken. J wouldn't talk to me, and I end up going out drinking again Fri / Sat night.

After being ignored all week, I go around (for the first time ever) to her house last Monday, as I want to see if she's being straight with me.

She's working (she's a self-employed hairdresser) from home that day, and tells me she'll come over in half an hour..which she does.

We both have a bit of a cry, have a lovely hug, and I tell her I still Love her, but it's really hurting the way we don't go out in public!

She tells me she has been straight with me, that the ex moved out yonks ago..and "why on earth would I go back to someone who drinks?!" ..Sehe tells me that the crux of it is she's just wary, and that she "can't introduce another man onto the scene, while he's still reeling at his Dad moving out.."

I tell her that I have been patient..she agrees..I tell her that I'm still nuts about her, but that I'll give her some space...that I know she has to put her son first.

I ask her if is her son, or if the real reason is my struggle with alcohol..she tells me that if she's honest, it's a bit of both

I ask her if we can just put all this !!!! behind us and start over as mates?

J tells me that "yes, we can give it a go" She also says "God I wish I didn't still fancy you so much..!" :T

We say our Goodbyes, and I try to get on with my Life..until the next day (last Tuesday), when I've (having decided to kick the booze for good, to make J proud of me..) throw myself into cleaning my new flat up..

She appears at my door, an hour or so after I send her a saucy, flirty, jokey text..

It feels great that she arrives unexpected, with me getting on with cleaning up / hoovering / music blaring...she looks suitably impressed that I'm tidying up, not in the flippin' pub, and it's a bit of a boost!

We have a lovely talk..I tell her that she's done me a favour, in that she's made me realise what's important (ie - her), and that I can appreciate why she doesn't want alcohol to blight her Life again. I tell her I understand her son must come first.

However, I also tell her that while I will wait until she feels ready to tell her son, that I have already been (7 months-) patient,. She agrees that I have. I also tell her that I can turn my Life around, and stay off the booze. It's lovely to hear her say "I know you can do it!"

I ask her if we can "just start over?" She says "OK", but that she can't give me an exact date when she'll ready to tell her son and take the plunge.

Aaaaaaaarrrrgh!

I calmly say that "Whenever you feel ready, I want you to know that I'm taking you out for a meal. I'm not asking! I'm taking you out young Lady!"

We have a laugh, we kiss, we make Love..

It's wonderful...except it isn't

We sent a few lovely texts, that Tuesday evening, with her telling me it was lovely to see me, and me her. She then gets her flight to Spain in the early hours of Wednesday morning..

and I miss her like mad

Not only do I miss 'J' so much, it physically hurts, I am so worried that she's going to get second thoughts when she arrives home, cos of the awful couple of weeks before last..I shouldn't really be thinking this, as we had such a lovely time on Monday / Tuesday, but because I could see she was still a bit confused and upset, I'm just worried that she will call it a day..

and this is eating me up.

F*cking booze..I f*cking hate it people!

I asked her why, when she was so excited about me moving to my new place, just around the corner from her..and yet, when I got here..why did she panic?

She told me she didn't really, but her feelings changed three Thursdays back, when we'd arranged for her to come around and help me paint the kitchen together..it turned out she'd made sandwiches, was really looking forward to seeing me, and yet (what was I bl**dy well thinking?) I phoned her up an hour before, to tell her I needed space, that I was off for a quiet drink on my own, and could we do it another time? ...She told me that, she just hung up and cried her eyes out..

It was this folks, that made me realise, just how much this Lady means to me, and just how little I need the booze in my Life.

I just hope, and pray to God, that it isn't too late..that I haven't lost her, and that if things are how they seem, she is giving me one last chance

I just wish I could get shot of this gnawing insecurity, due to us not having properly been out as a couple you know?

She keeps telling me that she doesn't know how to do this 'cos of her son.

I don't have the answers, but I just hope she feels the same when she gets back off her holiday next Thursday.

Any ideas guys, how I ditch the insecurity, and self-doubt (which I realise is a huge turn-off to Women!), and trust that she does Love me (as she said she did on Tues..)?

She sent me a lovely text before she left for Spain, saying how she thought "the key words are patience and faith" ...methinks I need a bit more of both!
:rotfl:

Sorry for going on here so much, but I really did need to get all of this out, after my mind was racing tonight.

Have a relaxing weekend all.

Many Thanks,

Kind Regards,

Night night,

Leigh x (without the booze since last Saturday!) xxx :T

Leigh73

Ps - I think the very nature of addicts' minds, makes them (me..) very obsessive, bordering on the irrationally so!

The two of us talked about having this week (while she's away) to think things over, to miss each other, and without the flippin' mobiles (although she did take hers).

I sent her 1 text, yesterday evening, wishing her a great holiday, and sending her my Love...guess what? Yep, no reply! Such a little thing shouldn't get me down, and doubting things, but it has, and it it does hurt a bit.

I'm so worried she's not going to feel the same when she gets back..hence why she hasn't replied

G'night x

In_Search_Of_Me

Hi all just popping in to see how you all are! Well done molly polly! It can be done eh! Havent been on much as feel I have things under control - ie have a drink when I want it but am able to stop. STill occasionally drink a bottle of wine but these are few & far betweeen now so am happy with that.
Leigh good to see you back. Re your situation I think you need to sit down & work out what you want. Lots of mixed messages going on from both sides, from what youve said....In terms of drinking you have to give up for you...noone else!

Leigh73

In_Search_Of_Me wrote: »

Hi all just popping in to see how you all are! Well done molly polly! It can be done eh! Havent been on much as feel I have things under control - ie have a drink when I want it but am able to stop. STill occasionally drink a bottle of wine but these are few & far betweeen now so am happy with that.
Leigh good to see you back. Re your situation I think you need to sit down & work out what you want. Lots of mixed messages going on from both sides, from what youve said....In terms of drinking you have to give up for you...noone else!

Hiya ISOM,

Thanks for your reply.

I feel so low because of all this. Really don't think i can cope wth feeling likethis.

Worried she';s been messing me about and that sh's going to have second thoughts when she gets back. really spinning my mind.

Hurts so much

She tells me that she's being straight with me, that it's becasue of her son, and that she has to go slowly so as not to upset him.

Im just worried she's using that as an excuse, and that maybe she doesn't feel the same..cos of the drinking?

I feel gutted that she hasn't even sent a short reply text back to me. By all accounts Im not even worth 25p

Nearly went for a drink before, as I feel so low and mixed up about this.

Know it wont help, so haven't and wont.

Feel so sad

Thanks x

In_Search_Of_Me

Leigh she may not even have turned the phone on as you had agreed that you wouldnt communicate before she went! Maybe she just needs space to think generally & you need to give her that. Drinking wont do any good will it, esp after she's already told you she is wary & cautious because of that! Just use the time well to start rebuilding your life and thinking about what YOU want out of life and how you are going to achieve it!!

Leigh73

In_Search_Of_Me wrote: »

Leigh she may not even have turned the phone on as you had agreed that you wouldnt communicate before she went! Maybe she just needs space to think generally & you need to give her that. Drinking wont do any good will it, esp after she's already told you she is wary & cautious because of that! Just use the time well to start rebuilding your life and thinking about what YOU want out of life and how you are going to achieve it!!

Hiya,

Sorry for before.

I'm just really struggling, with this. trying not to think she's stringing me along. No reason to think so really, as she has been straight with me all along.

Just that she doesn;t want to introduce drink into her / her sons life I guess.

It's her birthday today, so I sent her 1 more (and last!) text to wish her a Happy Birthday.

What makes me sad, is that I'm 99% certain she won't even reply, as her feelings for me have dwindled

I went back to bed for a couple of hours earlier, and feel a little better, but God I miss her so much.

It was lovely her coming over to mine last Tuesday, out of the blue, and I told her I loved her, and her me.

I asked her if she wanted the same thing, at some point, to go out as a couple for meals and stuff?

She told me she did, but that she couldn't give me a definite time when, 'cos of her 12 year old son.

I'm just starting to worry that this is an excuse, and that I'm just a fling..horrible feeling.

Thanks for letting me offload here.

shopaholictiedtheknot

Morning all, have to report a hangover today I am afraid! was good on Friday and didn't have any and I am driving to my mums today so won't have any, still will have done 5 AFD this week so am still doing ok.

Leigh - sometimes others just don't feel the same as us and we have to just accept that and move on, you seem like a caring person and I am sure you will find someone one day who does return your love, don't give up !

Very quiet on here over last couple of days - where have you all gone?

Bismarck

I suspect there are a lot of folks on holiday....

just hope they are not the club 18-30 type.....!

:rolleyes:

eselt

Where is everyone????Just had a very scary day in sunny cornwall-had the Par Carnival yesterday and someone got murdured on the beach- yeah really did, horrified- local kid , dreadful, this sort of stuff just doesnt happen round here, just really shocked-Leigh- just stick it out mate, she sounds lovely.....

winebox

Bismarck wrote: »

I suspect there are a lot of folks on holiday....

just hope they are not the club 18-30 type.....!

:rolleyes:

I know you're just being provocative. Heading for Saga myself.

Sorry not been about - had some problems & fallen into old trap of denial-via-chardonnay & am feeling very "I am not worthy" to be posting, seem to do a lot more of this sort of post than "didn't I do well!" type. Also making it clear I will watch anything on telly!?

Leigh, have been there, huge problem the unreturned text. I have got so churned up in the past over this for (in the end) no reason. Also the more I drink in this situation the more frantic I become. It doesn't help. ISOM is spot on right about this & the rest.

FoD v well done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shoppy - you are doing far better than moi - well done mate. Hope was OK at your Mum's today.

Eselt - horrid news, sounds like a small community there, shocking.

Hope Bis right re hols is why so quiet - hope all OK! xx