Drink / driving and wasting money

margaretclare

Jade321 wrote:

Anyway, I spent all last night awake with awful earache. Got up this morning and told him that I really need to see a doctor today as I felt awful. His reply was "You are going to take the kids (his and mine) to their sport this afternoon though aren't you?" (He can't do it because he's playing another sport all day!) My ex husband (for all his faults) would have said "You make sure you get yourself into the doctors today, don't worry about the kids, I'll sort that out, or they will have to miss it - your health is more important".

What an incredibly insensitive and selfish brute! Kick him into touch without delay! Your ex-husband sounds infinitely preferable to this guy. The drinking is one issue, but I now see that it's all part of his selfish attitude - it's 'me, me, me' all the time. Earache is one of the worst pains that there is because there's nowhere the pain can go - not like another part of the body which can swell, earache is inside your skull. I feel so sorry for you! With earache, like a bad migraine, you feel you just want to chop your own head off to stop it hurting.

Get rid of this fella, drinking or no drinking. Tell him to take his selfish attitudes somewhere else.

Aunty Margaret

Gingham_Ribbon

No you really aren't expecting too much. Before I got married we were told that love isn't just an emotion. It's an action that your repeat time and time again. For a marriage to work, love and consideration need to be expressed in action not words.

Would he be prepared to go to counselling with you?

As for driving home from weddings: I remember a very frightening experience as a teenager when my boyfrined's alcoholic dad took us to a wedding. His mum was going to drive home so I agreed to go. When we left the wedding with sober mum and legless dad, dad insisted on driving and even dropped the car key trying to get it in the lock. It was terrifying for me all the way home. I was young and didn't have the confidence to tell him I wasn't getting in the car with him.

As for his wife, looking back I really feel for her. She must have been as scared as me getting home and the way she just handed him the keys with her head down knowing it wasn't worth arguing told a lot about her situation.

He continued to drink drive and continued to push his family around for as long as I knew them. His son developed several of his unpleasant habits. Not the drink driving, but certainly his lack of respect for his mum and me and his temper. And his drinking.

I really do wish you well and hope this situation is resolved soon.

MissSunshine

Were it not for the fact that your bloke's got kids, i'd have sworn that this was my ex. I know it's not cos he didn't want kids, said what's the point as you don't know what the future holds, um does anyone!!!!!

Ex was never 'horrible' to me, but everything else came first. It was a shame cos he was a great sociable guy, but for me his selfish attitude messed up the relationship.

He got married 5years ago to a girl that we used to drink with who doesn't want kids and who likes drinking as much as he does, she's already having an affair

As for your bloke's mates opinions for drinking at weddings, i bet most of them enjoy a few, so they're going to agree with him aren't they

Your chat after he'd had a few is classic selfish attitude, trying to nitpick at things he sees you do wrong to try and cast in your own mind that you're as selfish as he is, when he so knows you're not.

I'm telling you that No you're not 'really expecting too much', it's a partnership, give and take on both sides, you deserve so much more than you're getting, he just wants to have his cake and eat it.

Oh and i'd have gone nuts if my boys hadn't been strapped in properly, it's too late once an accidents happened. :mad:

jellyhead

yes, that last bit - i hope it wasn't your child who wasn't strapped in? if it was, i'd leave him immediately i have to say.

i hope your earache's better now, and that you got to the doctor okay.

Jade321

Been doing a lot of thinking over the weekend and it's made me realise how much my partner relies on a drink, how he has convinced himself that drinking excessively is just "normal" and what everyone does.

I watched him yesterday get really angry when I made a comment about how much he had drunk in the space of a couple of hours. I honestly believe it was his way of getting through the hour I asked him to play with my son while I was cooking dinner!

As for the earache, it's fine now - I went to the doctor's on Friday morning and got some ear spray. Thanks for asking. In the end my partner did take all the kids on Friday night as he finished earlier than he thought but I don't think that is really the point.

I have spoken to him over the weekend and told him very calmly that I don't see how we have a future together. I don't want to be with someone that I have to explain and argue why he should treat me as an equal. He says he is trying so hard and that he doesn't want to lose me. I've told him that I can't just explain to him why I don't want him to treat me that way each time it happens, I just want to rely on him to treat me right. He says I stew on things and bottle things up and then explode. I do, but it's because I'm thinking about things and weighing up if my gut feelings are fair.

I know what I want to do, I'm just frightened of hurting him, all the kids and myself.

scuzz

At the end of the day, if you're not happy, then you really should get out. I grew up with parents that didn't really get on, and it wasn't the nicest of things. If you're kids are young, I think they'd adapt better now than if you wait. I was 15 when my parents split, and watching my Dad cry was awful. Had I been younger, I think I would've just taken it in my stride.

I know it's a harsh line to take, but your bloke really sounds like he's just taking full advantage of you. For your own self respect you'd be better off out of it from what you've said.

Sorry to be blunt, but I really hope you come through this ok. Just remember you are special and deserve to be treated with respect and love

Jet

someone recently said to me;

"happy Mum, happy child"

I think that sums it up well.

jellyhead

i agree. my parents stayed together until i was 14, they could have split at least ten years before that, us children wouldn't have noticed or been particularly upset.

BWZN93

I dont drink at all, but my partner does. We dont go out and drink all that often, so its never really been a problem for us, as he drives most of the time (he loves driving!) and it is only rarely that I drive if he wants to have a drink.

He used to drink a bit excessively though, so I can get a little annoyed, simply because I dont want him to get wasted or anything (he's a recent graduate, a musician and in a band, so a 'student rockstar' :rolleyes: and therefore the circumstances require booze...) as he can be a handful!

Recently, the drinking has pretty much stopped, which pleases me, and now avoids anything stronger than a few lagers or bitters or something, as he has now learned when to 'stop', and what the limits are. He also knows that if he gets too drunk then I have no tolerance for him, I wont drive him anywhere and I certainly wont stay up listening to drunken mutterings etc.

I think that if the drinking or the fact that you always have to drive bothers you a lot, then you need to reassess the situation, there is two in a relationship and its what you both want, he cant continue to be selfish as that will be destructive to the relationship. You need to talk to him, agree on a compromise, and if that isnt forthcoming, then you need to do whats best for you, and if that means leaving him, then do it. I dont think anyone wants to stay in a relationship when there is one always giving and the other always taking, it breeds resentment - and I personally wouldnt stay with anyone who completely disregarded me and my feelings, its not something I could live with for the rest of my life.

Jo xx