Drink / driving and wasting money

James240

admitedley if he likes a drink when he is out he may just be shy, im like that i really cant socially interact unless i have had a drink otherwise i feel very awkward.................

But on the other hand he may just be taking the !!!!!! literally........................

James

Gingham_Ribbon

I always drive as my husband never learned and I hate being driven. Saying you won't go to this particular event might not be the best time to start asserting yourself, if you're worried about family reaction, but asking him to be more flexible is certainly fair enough. Maybe he feels there are other things that he always does for you that he thinks balance it out? I hope it works out for you.

As for drinking at children's parties...I agree with KK, teaching by example how to drink sensibly (AND turn down alcohol) is a useful part of parenting. Getting drunk around children obviously isn't. I know a woman who fell drunk into a highchair and the baby ended up in hospital with a fractured skull. The baby is fine but it's very frightening.

Another problem I've encountered is that I went to a child's party and we all drove there as it was out in the countryside. The minute we walked in we were all given a glass of alcohol. I was the only driver who turned it down. Everyone there had babies under a year in their car. I couldn't say that anyone was over the 'limit' or seemed tipsy but I did worry about them getting home safely.

MissSunshine

I wasn't saying that we never drink alcohol around the boys, infact we went to a bbq just the other night. There were only 8 kids, 3* number of adults and it was my turn to drive.

We're expats living in the Middle East and have averaged 15 kids at each party so far. It's hard enough keeping on the ball with that amount of toddlers, w/o adding alcohol to the equation :eek: Like Gingham Ribbon said i also didn't want the added worry of them getting home safely as it's v mad driving here, 7month old car has already had both new back and front bumper and neither accident was my fault :mad:

As to the op, everybody deserves to be treated equally in a relationship, and when it's a lot less than, like yours seems to be, then you need to take action. Be it giving him a short, sharp shock, going for counselling, or suggesting ending the relationship, you know your blokie, we don't. At the end of the day life's too short to settle for second best.

How old are his 3 kids by the way?? And good luck with whatever you chose to do today and in the future.

Jade321

Had another conversation with partner over the weekend and he has agreed to drive home from my bosses wedding. I made it very clear that I don't see a future for us if he is not going to respect me and treat me like an equal. I just wish I didn't keep finding myself in this position where I virtually have to threaten to finish the relationship before he backs down.

We went to his nieces birthday party on Saturday and although there were approx 15 children at the party, my partners sister had just three bottles of soft drinks and a whole crate of lager and 6 bottles of wine, needless to say the soft drinks ran out and the children (and us non drinking adults ) had to drink water!!!

We had another issue with drink yesterday. I normally go food shopping when my partner is busy, so that when he is around we can spend time together. However, I decided this weekend that it's not fair on my son to be dragging him around the supermarket or sitting around while I rush around doing the housework, just so that when partner and his kids get home, I can spend time with them. So I went shopping yesterday morning and left the all the kids with my partner. When I got home, partners van wasn't parked outside the house which I thought was odd as I thought he was planning on taking the kids for a walk.

It turns out that he had taken the kids to 2 pubs and he had drunk 2 pints. My son had left his hat in one of the pubs and I was told on my return from the supermarket that I needed to drive down to the pub and get it (he couldn't because he had had too much to drive). I wasn't very happy and became grumpy. He told me I was making a big deal about nothing and he doesn't know why I make my son wear a hat anyway as he never keeps it on. Oh and as he had 3 kids to look after and his van only has 2 passenger seats, where did the children sit? It's OK for him not to drink drive but it's OK for him to drive 3 children around without seat belts or chucked in the back of the van. He knows I have strong feelings about children not being strapped in properly, hence why my car has been the family taxi for years. I feel like he deliberatly did things yesterday which would upset me, so that I won't ask him to do it again.

ashmit

Jade, honey, I don't want to sound harsh, but it sounds like you've been issuing ultimatums for a while and he's kept calling you on them. Sooner or later you're going to have to follow through, because if my DH did any of that with my theoretical kids, he would find himself removed from the premises before he knew what had hit him. And he wouldn't be allowed back in before he swore on his own life he would never do it again.

It must be horrible being in your situation. I can't imagine, but I do send plenty of sympathy. What do you think you're going to do now?

Loadsabob

Jade321 wrote:

Partner has had a problem with drink over the years but has it under control now. He does like a drink (more than I do) and drinks about 35 units per week which is a lot less than he used to.

I hate to point this out, but the recommended limit for a male is 21 units per week. 35 isn't far off twice the recommended amount, so perhaps your partner's drinking not entirely under control? Of course it's not just the amount that makes drinking a problem, it's when it comes before other people and influences your decisions...in short, when it's not really a choice anymore. It sounds as though you are being put second to drinking, and experience within my own family shows me that that's not a position you can easily change.

Jade321

Hi,

I've spoken to my partner (again) and told him I want to finish it (he made comments about what a favour he is doing in being with me) and I lost my temper with him and told him we no longer have a relationship.

He has told me that he has spoken to many people about me asking him to drive home from the wedding and he has told me that everyone without exception has said that "no-one goes to a wedding and drives home". I basically told him he was talking rubbish and does he really believe that there will be no-one at the wedding who will be driving?!

I think you are right loadsabob about my partners drinking and me coming second to it, I also come second to his job and to his sport and to anything else he fancies doing at the time.

He talked to me last night (when he had had 'a few') and explained that I am always being negative about him lately and am looking for all the bad things he does. I explained to him that I am not prepared to just put up and shut up anymore. He then said that I am unfair to him because I have set the hot water to come on after he has gone to work in the morning and sometimes he gets up and there is no hot water. He said that is an example of me being unfair to him but he "puts up and shuts up". His work hours vary and in the winter the heating and the hot water come on at the same time, it's probably set from about 5.30am onwards, so if he gets up at 5, then there will be no hot water I suppose, but this is the first time he has mentioned it.

Anyway, I spent all last night awake with awful earache. Got up this morning and told him that I really need to see a doctor today as I felt awful. His reply was "You are going to take the kids (his and mine) to their sport this afternoon though aren't you?" (He can't do it because he's playing another sport all day!) My ex husband (for all his faults) would have said "You make sure you get yourself into the doctors today, don't worry about the kids, I'll sort that out, or they will have to miss it - your health is more important".

Am I really expecting so much?

jellyhead

no you're not expecting too much. maybe the hot water is annoying for him but if he's never mentioned it before then how would you know, you're not psychic, and putting it on for before 5 in the morning would probably wake up the whole house, our heating is noisy so we don't set it to come on before 5.

as for driving home after weddings, hmmm ... i don't know. we would, because my family and friends would always invite the children in the families to the wedding and we don't think it's acceptable to drink when you're in charge of children. perhaps some of us would take the children home early, get a babysitter then go back for a drink though, and get a taxi back. there will always be somebody driving home after a wedding, i have yet to attend one where every single person was drinking - not everyone drinks around their children.

it just sounds like he's completely selfish to be honest. sports day - why is his sport more important than seeing HIS OWN children on their sports day? your feeling ill is another factor but even if you were not ill he should be there to watch the children, his and yours, he should be going with you. it's what anyone else would expect from their partner. the children must be gutted knowing that he's not at work, he could actually be at their sports days but chooses not to. easy for an outsider to say, but i think you'd be better off without this man. if you have earache you probably won't be able to drive safely anyway, my mum's got an ear problem at the moment and she's really clumsy, she can't drive, she can barely walk through a door without banging into the frame or falling over. he should be driving today, taking you to the doctors then taking you home, or if you're well enough attending the sports day with you so you don't have to drive.

Jade321

jellyhead wrote:

no you're not expecting too much. maybe the hot water is annoying for him but if he's never mentioned it before then how would you know, you're not psychic, and putting it on for before 5 in the morning would probably wake up the whole house, our heating is noisy so we don't set it to come on before 5.QUOTE]

You have just reminded me why the heating / hot water doesn't come on before 5 ish because when the heating comes on it bangs and bangs and although the heating is turned off now, the time setting is still the same.

pozalina

Jade,

I've read your thread with interest and empathy. I know how soul-destroying and frustrating it can be to live with an alcohol-dependent person who cannot see beyond their own selfishness. My dad is an alcoholic and for years put my mum and us through hell. God knows why, but she stayed with him, and although he still drinks he has calmed down a lot, and does a lot more for my mum these days.

I know what you mean about having to give ultimatums in order to get him to listen to you. My dad never listened to anything my mum tried to talk to him about, even when he was drinking away all the (little) money they had. He just didn't believe she would do anything (and he was right!), and he was never going to change as long as he thought he could get away with it.

From a child's perspective, I hated seeing my mum sit at the window and cry as she wondered what time he would be home, and in what state. My sister and I dreaded his key in the door cos we knew it would be shouting from him and arguments. I feel sorry for your kids and his, although you are clearly doing everything you can to protect them. I worry about your sanity if you stay with him.

I believe your OH will only ever change if he himself thinks there is a problem with his behaviour. At the moment he actually believes that *you* are being unreasonable, so is not in a place where he is willing to change. If you can, you should give him a very clear message about what you will and will not tolerate, and do it in as direct way as possible (the fewer words the better... he will see too much talk as 'nagging').

As a young adult I went through a phase myself of drinking far too much, and being a horrible person. I am now teetotal and am so grateful to be free from such a nasty drug, that causes health problems, financial problems, wrecks personalities....need I go on?

Sorry if I sound harsh/evangelical about booze but it has affected me so much over my lifetime, I hate to see it hurting other people, namely you.

Best wishes
P xxx