Drink / driving and wasting money

Jade321

Hello,

This is my first post and it's to ask advice - I hope that's OK.

I have had yet another disagreement with my partner. It seems that it is OK for him to ask me to drive when we visit his friends or relatives and as I have my son to look after (and sometimes his kids too), I have no desire to get drunk. Sometimes it would be nice to have a couple of drinks though rather than just 1 and then coke / orange juice for the rest of the day. In the last 6 months I have been increasingly questioning his behaviour and the apparent one sidedness of the situation and we have been organising taxi’s and hotel rooms which means inconvenience and expense which I feel is unnecessary. For example we are going to his nieces 3 year old birthday party on Saturday afternoon and he is talking about getting a cab home. I have no desire to get drunk at a 3 year old’s party when I have children to look after, so I will drive. I did the same a few weeks ago when we visited his friends for a BBQ (at his request).

My boss is getting married next month and the conversation came up last night of transport to and from the venue (about 40 miles away). I stated simply that I expected him to drive (this will be the 2nd time he has driven me in 3 years, whereas I have probably driven 30 times). His reply was that there is no way he is going to a wedding and driving and we (me) will have to sort out some accommodation and a cab.

So yet again, I think to myself “I don’t want to get drunk, I don’t want to waste money and have the inconvenience of taxi’s and hotels.” This is normally the point when I “give in” and decide to drive myself.

I think this is the last straw in a string of events that I feel are totally selfish on his part.

I think the worm is finally turning and I have had enough.

Does anyone think that what I have said is unreasonable (as I am sure he will do!)

fatboyonadiet

Think he's taking advantage and using you here, is a marriage not about being equal? 3o to 2 isn't very equal.

Nile

Could it be that Jade's partner is self conscious and introverted? Whereas Jade is confident and extrovert? Maybe Jade's partner feels that by becoming intoxicated, it is the only way he can enjoy these social occasions?

Are there any closer social events (within walking distance of your home) that he's also drunk to excess? Has he ever stayed sober at an event?

I would be tempted to ask him to tell you 'when has he done the driving after a social event'? The imbalance should be obvious to him.

bargainqueen_2

I think that Jade you are not being unreasonable, he is. However, if this is the straw that breaks the camels back, it might be too small a thing to make big decisions over. But if he is selfish in all other aspects as well, and especially where alcohol is not concerned, then that's a really big issue. At the end of the day, 2 vs 30 is ridicilous and even he surely can not argue with that!?

jellyhead

i notice that it's his niece having the birthday party - is drinking heavily a family thing? i would wonder why there needs to be alcohol at a party for a 3 year old at all!!! sounds like the whole family has an odd relationship with alcohol ...

margaretclare

I too would have wondered why there needed to be alcohol for a toddler's birthday party....but the little boy next door has a birthday in June and for 3 years now they've had a birthday party in the back garden next to us, with bouncy castle, barbecue, all the kids playing, and all the adults on the patio drinking - from what we saw, mainly canned beer. This party went on until midnight, and there were a lot of taxis arriving down the road - obviously a lot of people had drunk a lot.

So maybe birthday parties with bouncy castle for the kids and alcohol for the adults is what they do nowadays? Sorry, different generation.

Aunty Margaret

MissSunshine

No you're not being unreasonable.

I split up with ex-bloke because of his close relationship with alcohol, like you either i drove, we got a taxi or stayed over at friends house. We didn't have kids so cost wasn't so much of an issue and i do like a drink, but in the end got fed up with spending all w/e in pubs.

Can you not explain the 'unfairness' to your blokie and suggest a fair compromise would be to take it in turns to drive as i now do with Mr Sunshine when the boys are with us regardless of who's side of the family the parties at:j

My boys are 2 and 3 and yes it does appear to be the norm to have a alcohol at kids parties. At all the birthday parties i've hosted i told parents that it's soft drinks only as i wouldn't want to be responsible for little ones having their first taste :eek:

bluep

My chap likes a drink as much as the next, and I nearly always end up driving because I don't mind not drinking (especially with a young baby to look after). However I know that ANYTIME I fancied having a few to drink and him driving, all I'd have to do is ask. So, I tend to think he can take it or leave it as far as drinking at parties goes. For me that's an important line to draw. It sounds like whether its for "social lubrication" or just selfishness, your partner feels he wants or needs to drink and is not willing to compromise. Do you feel he has a problem with alcohol? or just is unwilling to see things from your point of view?

jellyhead

it's the other way around for us, i don't drink (diabetes, i just can't handle it), but i can't drive so my husband always stays sober when we go out lol! we'd get a taxi if it's a night out in a pub or club of course, but for a young child's birthday party wouldn't dream of it. sorry but i don't think it's normal to have alcohol at a party for a 3 year old, only somebody who drinks heavily would even think of it - who looks after the children while the adults are drinking? surely the 3 year old deserves to have adults sober enough to give her the attention that her birthday deserves, otherwise it's just an excuse for adults to get drunk and nothing at all to do with the child. surely it's not impossible to go without alcohol for a child's birthday? do they smoke around the children too?

Jade321

Hi

Thanks for the replies.

Partner has had a problem with drink over the years but has it under control now. He does like a drink (more than I do) and drinks about 35 units per week which is a lot less than he used to. His family are also big drinkers and I have no doubt that there will be alcohol at the party on Sat. On the one occasion that he has driven me it was when we went out for a meal but I felt the meal was rushed and we didn't go onto do the things we wanted to afterwards as he was tired and wanted to get home.

Every argument we have has been about him not seeing my needs as being equal to his own. I feel resentful and used. I am fed up fighting for my needs to be acknowledged and heaven help me if I ask him to put my needs or the needs of my child / his children before his own!

When I talked to him about me driving everywhere, he has said that he has taken on board what I have said and that is why he now doesn't "expect" me to drive everywhere and now he asks in advance and if I say no, he will try to organise cabs or hotels.

As for whether he is the introvert and I am the party animal - believe me it's the other way round!!

I loved him so much but after years of this treatment, I have had enough. But I the fact that I am posting this here suggests that I still have doubts about whether it is me being unfair to him. He constantly tells me how much he is "trying" with our relationship.

jellyhead

not being a drinker i suppose my view is very different to most peoples but what use is organising a taxi? if you have children with you then surely you can't both drink?? sorry, i don't like parents drinking when they are in charge of children. too many alcoholics in my family past, i've grown up seeing heavy drinkers as selfish, pathetic and not fit to be parents so take my comments with a pinch of salt if you don't think your family is as bad as mine!

you say you loved him, does this mean you're not sure if you still do?