being bullied by my 15yr old

cazziebo

mrcow wrote: »

He seems to have completely lost all sense of loyalty and perspective, picking on the one person who actually gives a stuff.

It's stories like this that make me wish we had the American style boot camps to help sort these kids priorities out! (Don't suppose you can afford to send him off to the States can you? )

:

I really wish there were teen boot camps in this country! I think it's a bit ironic that there is so much support for parents of under 5s, yet so little for parents of teens.. Speaking for myself, parenting was a breeze until a few years ago!

You're not alone new Ms - and don't apologise. I've had the same problems to an extent with my 15 yo daughter. I don't have the answer. I did try Parentline and maybe I was just unlucky but didn't find them helpful at all. I tried to find parenting classes because I would have tried anything, but there was nothing in my area. School were supportive to a point, but advised me to go to the GP for a referral to a psychologist. Of course, she wouldn't go so that was a non starter. I don't know about the domestic abuse team - might be worth a try. I got the Community policeman round and he was great.

Things do seem to have settled down a bit now so hopefully this is a phase. however that doesn't mean you - or your daughter - should have to put up with unacceptable behaviour. wish I had more constructive help for you... ((hugs)))

gerad_way

I have been through nearly the same thing with my 14yr old daughter 2 years ago. If you want someone to off load on send me a privatae message. As the whole ss/police/ewo is a nightmare, but it can end happy.

Sidneysaves

My friend is currently parenting a teenager. The challenge for her is that she is really easy-going and hasn't really had to assert her authority before. I gave her a copy of a book called "Whatever" by Gill Hines and Alison Baverstock

http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_ss_w_h_?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=whatever

It's written in a question and answer format and has some sound advice. Even reading the reviews may give you some encouragement. When you are in the middle of a problem, it's difficult to get perspective. Maybe you can go somewhere quiet and read some advice, when you are a bit low?

Parenting is very tough and you don't get instructions. Don't be afraid to ask advice. Parents love to recount horror stories, once all the hassle is in the past!

misty

Has he always been like this or has it begun after the car accident? Could it be related to this - I'm not sure if you mentioned the car accident specifically as being part of the issue relating to his behaviour.

Does the school have a pastoral / senco contact that you could discuss the issues with?

determined_new_ms

Hi everyone, thank you its very kind you've all offered suggestions. I must say I was feeling particularly low yesterday when I put this post up.

It is difficult to answer all of ur questions but I will respond to what I can... SS became involved when my daughter found their absent father, their relationship was very unhealthy for her for various lifestyle choices he was making which is his right to do but not healthy for a young child to deal with, I contacted them as I was worried about her and her behaviour. They have only recently become involved with my son. However as nice as she (SW) is there isn't any positive interventions they can put in place and in fact today she said she feels there are a lack of resources in the area (I live in the southeast).

Today my son met with the first person in his youth offending sentence he received last week. She will now write a report and in 3 weeks he will start working with people, there will be a number of things she will recommend, one of which is he be referred to the educaton liaison person so maybe finally he can go back into education, he says he wants to. Interestingly he said during that meeting that he believes it is me stopping him from going back to school. The situation with the school is he is still on the roll as he was excluded from the alternative provider, but they do not want him to return until some issues with his behaviour have been resolved, they are prepared to pay for him to do a apprentiship but obviously he cannot do that until he is 16. They have also paid for him to access the fairbridge project that is a vol schem for troubled teenagers, its v activity based but develops the skills/strategies for taking responsibility for actions/decisions. This will start next week.

Today I made my son leave the house because he was in an aggresive mood and my daughter was going to be in the house alone, this made him see red and he started trying to kick the door in to re-enter, I warned him if he didn't stop it and go and calm down I would call the police, he didn't so I did. Tomorrw 2 community officers are coming to our house to discuss an acceptable behaviour policy, and see what support they can offer us.

I'm trying to be optimistic that with all these people involved things will get better. I have thought about asking him to leave (and if not now if this continues when he turns 16, which isn't until sept) but he is my son and altho he is causing these problems he is very vulnerable as well. 3 weeks ago he got into a fight the other boy pulled out a knife, stabbed him in the back and he sustained a punctured lung. I am trying to support my daughter thru this and altho it isn't the "right" thing to do trying to get her to walk away from him if she feels he is becoming aggresive and if necessary leave the house/call the police.

I just want my son (and daughter) to be ok and for things to calm down, I am worried about how this story is going to pan out.

Thank you again for all your kind replies x

misty

weegie.geek wrote: »

Teenagers will get mouthy, but violence is a big no, especially to his little sister.

If he's picking you up and moving you out of the way, I'm guessing he's bigger than you, so belting him will probably literally hurt you more than it hurts him..

Do you see any conflict in what you are saying?

weegie.geek

misty wrote: »

Do you see any conflict in what you are saying?

Not particularly, no. There's quite a difference between hitting someone in anger and hitting someone in self-defence, or in defence of your child.

tpsjrm

determined_new_ms wrote: »

Hi just wanted to offlaod... I have a 15yr old bou who was run over in August last yr and since then our life has become hell. He now is committing criminal offences, won't lift a finger around the house, has been excluded permanently from school, swears at me and is intimidating if I challenge him about anything and while he isn't aggresive per se but he is physically intimidating ( sometime's he picks me up and moves me out of the way)


Hi new ms, sorry you are having so much grief. You don't say, but did your son ever see or hear any of your former partners being aggressive or using foul language etc against you? If that's the only 'grown up' male role model he's had, perhaps he thinks that's how it's got to be done?

The good news is that it sounds as if you are still talking - at least occassionally! The best thing I've found is not reacting to the ' verbal'. Bite your tongue for a minute or two and see what happens. Often they run out of steam if you just carry on drinking your coffee, or feeding the cat or whatever.

You have to draw the boundaries about abusing his sister though. My brother used to hit me at about that age - I know now that he was rampant with hormones and would have much prefered to be out killing a bear or some other caveman thing. I just happened to be there. Eventually he grew up - getting a motorbike helped as he could be a macho man with that.

What is your son interested in? Could you lead him down that route and try to channel all the energy in a more positive way?

And finally, as someone has already said, a quick change of personality could be down to drugs, particularly if all his 'criminal offences' are down to ways of getting money. There are websites that can help you to look for the signs.

Chin up.

determined_new_ms

Hi tpsjrm, thanks for ur msg.

to answer ur question no he hasn't ever seen anyone abuse me - have been on my own for a long tie with them. His father was violent to me but he was a very young baby and we split up at that time. He has however made some dubious "friends" in the last couple of months, one of which is abusive to his mother, domestically violent and damaging her property - he hero worships this boy so possibly this is where he is getting it from.

I don't think it is drugs, he's very anti, has always been v health conscious and hasn't even ever smoked a ciggarette. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the Fairbridge project next week.

Stephb1986_2

my brother use to be like that till he discovered weed and now he's never off the stuff and is in a foul mood if he's not had any thats probably one of the reasons he started on me.

I hope for your sake your son isnt doing stuff like that because it will only get worse. good luck

Stephb xx