How to stop inlaws buying presents on my behalf?

poet123

Men do not (usually) understand the "nuances" like woman do,your DH probably genuinely can't see the difference between a gift from you and a gift with your names on!!........mine wouldn't either!

MIL relationships can be tricky, at xmas we had just had our dining room re done and I had bought all new matching table mats/runners etc for xmas dinner. I didn't tell DH as he is not very interested in the details of interior design Just before xmas he said oh my mum has told me what she got you for xmas and I thought it might be wise to tell you as she wants me to give it to you xmas eve so you can use it xmas day(when she comes for dinner!!).......guess what? table mats/runner of her choice. So I told him he needed to tell her that he had found out I had already ordered the stuff and so could not use it xmas day but would love to use them at some other time over xmas. DH did say well they are only placemats cant you just use them even if they don't match!!!!!!

Didnt go down well.when he told her...she told him he should have stopped me buying the stuff as he had known about the present,quite how he was supposed to do this without telling me outright I am not sure,guess she thinks I ask permisssion to buy stuff??:rotfl: Eventually he got her to understand but it was a bit fraught when she handed over the gift across a beautifully dresssed xmas dinner table:D

ragdoll

I think it is strange as well.

But if you do think that they know they aren't from you anyway, I don't think I could stand there and say 'I hope you liked it'. If they say 'thank you for the present', maybe give a slightly puzzled look for just a second and then say 'Oh thats ok, MIL does know how to choose nice presents' and then move the conversation on! Perhaps if you did that it would open up a conversation between MIL and MIL's friends or the friends may give you a bit more insight into why she does it.

debs66_2

well, what a strange one - and i have to say i would be furious.

my concern is not a question of should you let it happen and keep the lie, but how far will this woman go in arranging things on your behalf, and how far will her son, your OH, let her do it.

this is a control issue, and i was squirming while reading your post for that reason alone. i can't believe your MIL doesn't see anything wrong in this.

there are polite ways to tell someone something, and i think it can be done that way. that said, will the lie unravel? how will you explain to these people that you are stopping sending presents when you have always sent one in the past? things need to be thought through, and I would certainly tread carefully, as i think MIL is used to being in control.

btw, hubby needs to grow up and stand up for his wife here. the problem is one of control and assumptions that this woman can act on your behalf. it's nothing at all to do with presents.

abbecer

I really think the issue here has to be with your husband. His Mum may feel that she is helping and if he has never let her think otherwise how does she know she is offending you. Over the years I have had many issues with my MIL but always bit my tongue to keep the peace. On the other hand my DH never stuck up for me or said anything although he himself admitted that sometimes she was plain evil to me. This went on for 12 years. Last year I exploded at my husband after she had been really nasty again and he did or said nothing. He rang his mum and they had very strong words.Fortunately things seem to be on the up and I don't get as many snide remarks etc.
I know your situation isn't like this but your husband needs to gather some strength otherwise she may try to have more power over your relationship than you are comfortable with.

Rebecca xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

alison99_2

In the greater scheme of things, does it really matter? She probably thinks she is doing you both a favour and unless you are prepared to ask her not to, then I can't see why you're stressing over this.
It is certainly not worth arguing with your husband over.

P.S I have never known anyone who does this either.

Meanymoo

Thanks everyone for your replies. Alison99 - you're right about it not being important in the big scheme of things, and I have just been letting it go for the last 5 years, but it's really got to me this time. It's the fact that it's not simply her buying a few pressies on our behalf, but now we've got to pretend we bought them in the first place. It's so unnecessary and complicated. But you're right, I should just pluck up the courage to tell MIL myself that I don't like her doing it.

I think that what other posters have said about it being a control thing is true, and maybe that's what I find so annoying, and worrying that OH doesn't see anything wrong with it. I have explained my objections to him and he still doesn't understand, so I guess I'll just have to see what happens tomorrow. Maybe when MIL gives us the list of presents to memorise I'll pluck up the courage to say, 'Actually, I'd rather you didn't buy presents on our behalf. I'm not comfortable pretending these presents came from us, and we always buy our own presents when we want to give something to someone'. Somehow I don't think I'll dare to say that though, because it might upset her and I can't exactly start a row in my hubby's family can I? I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow...

alison99_2

Have you ever wondered how many of the prezzies you receive from your O/H's family actually come from them? :rotfl:

looby-loo_2

I wondered if all these people are very old and rich and she is hoping that you and your DH will be remembered in their will.

Spendless

Oh this would drive me loopy too and my husband wouldn't be able to see why either :rolleyes: Like when I was having a gossip on phone to my mate and the mobile rang but went unanswered cos it couldn't be found then FIL turned up on our doorstep and told us off cos he was worried cos he'd been ringing us and couldn't get thru.(we are in our 40's married with 2 kids:rolleyes: ).

Does your MIL still ask you sign the gift tags-would it be possible to refuse? Or just not play along with it- if Mrs Smith says thank you for vase say oh mil buys it really, not us it's her you should thank.

Course I can very bravely write suggestions, putting them into action is a different matter.

Good luck sorting it.

savvy

Personally, if I was in that situation and someone said thanks to me, I'd just say sorry I'm not sure what you received as I leave all OH's presents up to him and his mother, and I sort my own family's out.

LOL that's because that's how I've always done it with presents anyway

Is your MIL a shopaholic and just uses Christmas and birthdays as a mask for it??? :D:D