How to stop inlaws buying presents on my behalf?

Meanymoo

I've been with my DH for five years now. Just before Christmas the first year we were together we were round at his parents' house and we were given gift tags to sign for the presents 'we' had bought for some family friends of theirs - my MIL had bought the presents and wanted us to sign the tags to say they were from us (just from me and OH, not from MIL and FIL as well - they had bought other presents to be sent from just them). I was a bit taken aback as I had only met these family friends once and it never occurred to me to get them Christmas presents. Anyway, I signed the tags as I was put on the spot somewhat.

Since then every Christmas / birthday for any family member or friend of my inlaws, presents have been sent out with mine and my OH's name on, without us even being consulted. The thing is, I really hate people buying presents on my behalf without asking me. If I want to buy someone a present, I buy them one. If my MIL wants to send two presents to someone, fine, but don't pretend one is from me! I've tried talking to my DH about this and have asked him to ask her to stop doing this. But he doesn't see anything wrong with it. My reasons for objecting to this are:

1. The implication is that these people SHOULD get a present from me and OH every Christmas. We hardly know them. If I think someone 'should' get a present from me, I get them one myself.
2. I think it's really dishonest to pretend a present has come from one person, when that person has had nothing to do with it (unless there are really good reasons - say telling a child a present has come from an absent father or whatever when actually he hasn't bothered...something extreme like that).
3. My attitude to presents is that it's the thought that counts. If the thought isn't there (which it clearly isn't when the 'giver' is unaware that she has given anything) then the whole Christmas / birthday present exchange thing becomes totally mercenary. It becomes so that it's the number of presents you receive that matters, not who the presents come from.

Anyway, the reason I'm ranting at the moment is that we are going to a family gathering tomorrow and DH's just told me that MIL will give us a list of all the presents we apparently sent to the various family members at Christmas, so that we know what we've 'given' them when we see them. I'm :mad: at this because I don't like being asked to lie for no good reason. What am I supposed to do if someone thanks us for a present, say 'oh, you're welcome, I thought you'd like that'??????

Up till now I've turned a blind eye - I can't ask my MIL not to buy presents on our behalf, and my DH won't ask her - but I've hoped that the receivers of the gifts will know full well that it's actually MIL buying the presents. After all, they barely know us, so I'd have thought they'd be perplexed getting gifts every year from us. But now I actually have to lie outright to these people if they mention the presents and pretend I actually sent them.

I hope this all makes sense, I am so fed up and have just had a row with OH who doesn't see why I object. So, am I being really silly and getting worked up over nothing? Does anyone else agree that it's not right for the MIL to keep sending presents to people 'from us'? What should I do if someone thanks me for a present tomorrow at the family gathering? And finally, is there any way I can stop MIL buying these presents, or should I just leave it? It just really rankles that MIL thinks it's her job to do my Christmas shopping for me. Rant over, but I would appreciate other people's views on this.

SugarSpun

I think you're right to be annoyed, but your MIL is probably doing it for well intentioned reasons and it would probably do some damage to your relationship if you said anything at this stage. All you have to do at the gathering is to smile at everyone and say, I'm glad you liked it, which hopefully is true.

Maybe if you catch your MIL at a non-gift-giving relaxed sort of moment you could ask her why she's doing it and then ask her to stop. But I wouldn't stress about it right now.

shellsuit

I think that's strange...never heard of anyone doing that before, unless, like you have mentioned, it has something to do with a child.

If anyone thanks you for their gift tomrrow, just act dumb and say 'I haven't bought you a present?' and see what gets said......that's what I'd do anyway

Forgot to ask......do you and your hubby get presents from these people in return?

Meanymoo

You're so right, I know. I'm just really wound up about it at the moment. 'I'm glad you liked it' is a perfect response, thank you. I wanted a phrase like that which would sound gracious, but which wasn't actually lying either. I'll have a think about how best to broach the subject with MIL (when the time is right and when I've calmed down lol). The problem is that my DH doesn't object to her doing this, whereas I really do, so I'm worried I'll annoy him if I mention it to MIL but at the same time I don't want this to go on for 20 years...

Meanymoo

shellsuit wrote: »

I think that's strange...never heard of anyone doing that before, unless, like you have mentioned, it has something to do with a child.

If anyone thanks you for their gift tomrrow, just act dumb and say 'I haven't bought you a present?' and see what gets said......that's what I'd do anyway

Forgot to ask......do you and your hubby get presents from these people in return?

Thanks - the thank you button has disappeared! That would be my instinct too, to act dumb as I resent having to lie. But I think for the sake of keeping the peace I'd better go with SugarSpun's 'I'm glad you liked it' line.

No, we don't get presents in return, although we did get a wedding present from four of them (joint present) which we suspected was bought on their behalf. We wrote thank you notes to all four of them and later heard on the grapevine that they hadn't realised they'd sent us anything! It's utterly ridiculous to be honest.

abbecer

I would be absolutely furious!!! It may be well intentioned but you are grown ups who are capable of sorting out your own shopping. Your husband needs to stand up an get some balls and stop hanging on her apron strings. It doesn't need to be said in a nasty way as your MIL is probably only trying to help. Your husband must deal with this as you will look like the DIL from hell if you do it.

Don't mean to offend but this has made ME so cross!!

Rebecca x

poet123

I think I would leave it for now and go with the advice above for the gathering. Then get MIL alone over a frindly coffee and tell her that you would rather stop the practice of giving gifts to her friends as you feel uncomfortable with it especially as they do not give a gift in return.....you could say you have heard on the grapevine that they feel odd with the arrangement as well. Suggest she just includes your names on their gifts if she feels you must be mentioned,this is a compromise she might agree to. Are they expensive gifts though or just token ones?

lynzpower

It's utterly ridiculous to be honest.

Totally agree.

If my MIL was doing this, which thank god she wouldnt, Id just say no.

the only gueesstimate I can work out is that she is worried that people wil think that other people dont like them if they havent "bought each other" presents.

At least shes not asking you for the money for these presents LOL

seashore321

What does she buy them it could be really awful! Then they would think you a) had no taste
b) where a cheap skate
c) they would have to buy you one and can't afford it, don't want to etc.,

It would drive me mad!!
:rotfl: :rotfl:

Meanymoo

Thanks all! It's a huge relief to see that people get where I'm coming from. And your advice is all really helpful.

Abbecer: your post really made me laugh - with relief probably! Actually, thinking about it, this is just one aspect of the 'apron strings' issue. I love my husband to bits, but I hate the fact that he still goes 'home' to see the doctor or dentist (and yes, MIL makes the appointments for him). I've tried to get him to see a local doctor, but he won't. I see it as one more thing the MIL can control, and he just sees it as 'easier' to drive 70 miles to see 'his own' doctor. :rolleyes: So this present buying thing, thinking about it, is probably part of the same issue - she thinks he's still 6 and needs her to organise his life, and he is happy with the arrangement.

Poet123: They're not expensive gifts as far as I know, probably books etc. So at least it doesn't look as though we've spent a fortune. I'd be happy for them to put our names with theirs on the same gift, as you suggest. I've asked DH to suggest this in the past, but he just doesn't understand the difference between that, and having our names on a separate present.

Lynzpower: there's definitely something funny about MIL's attitude to present giving. As you say, at least we're not out of pocket:rotfl:. That's probably how she sees it - but I'm firmly of the 'thought that counts' school, which I'm not sure she understands.

Meanymoo

seashore321 wrote: »

What does she buy them it could be really awful! Then they would think you a) had no taste
b) where a cheap skate
c) they would have to buy you one and can't afford it, don't want to etc.,

It would drive me mad!!
:rotfl: :rotfl:

:eek: I think she buys nice things - that hadn't occurred to me! No, I'm sure she buys them things they like, I just wish she didn't put our names on them. Your point c is one that I've worried about, but we don't get presents in return so I've always assumed the people realise the presents aren't really from us.