Husband hidden £35k debt, lied about getting a job. Where do I go from here?

strawb_shortcake

I say this as a woman and pretty much the sole earner in our household. My husband has a very casual 0 hours contract and varies significantly though he hasn't had any work since June.

However, we made the joint decision early on in our married life that we would structure our finances so that we could live off one wage - we have both had spells of being the stay at home parent.

This is clearly a household dependent on two incomes.

I think the OP is probably at the end of their tether, this isn't the first time they've been in this position. This latest time has been 18 months, 18 months of being lied too, carrying the burden financially along with household duties and seemingly the main carer for their child too. The husband lies to the child that he is working, locking himself away and making his wife complicit in his lies. When he does this, his wife has to bury any feelings and emotions this may rise and be a parent to their Son. Showing love and compassion is going to be tough at this point. That's without going into him hating her family and rules he imposes regarding her Mum, or the significant debt they are now in.

At this point, I'd be having a serious conversation with the husband, yes he might be depressed, but I suspect the OP may be a little strained themselves. There is obviously no trust, I'd be suggesting the Husband moves out, the OP can afford the bills. Give them both some space and allows them time to think about what they really want and if they have a future together, whilst providing some stability for their Son by staying in his home. The OP can then think about renting elsewhere if needed in slower time.

RAS

I've no doubt that the OP loved her husband. She may well still love her husband and she's plainly believed what he has said many times, despite evidence to the contrary accumulating over the last 18 months. But she's trying to get practical help here not emotional.

I've seen one incidence when similar behaviour was later associated with early on-set dementia. The financial fall out was substantial because it led to business failure. I've also this sort of behaviour being more deliberate. Unless the husband goes to their doctor and has serious conversations it's difficult for anyone to know what's going on. And the guy with dementia did have to learn to let his wife sort out the mess.

I'd also make an observation about the challenge of loving and understanding that the behaviour of the person you love threatens you and your child. Maybe not physically but you can be left in a constant state that's close to fight or flight.

Loving and needing to leave, or even seriously consider leaving, can be crazy-making because you're holding many different states at the same time. "How can they not see the threat to your joint family?" "How can they deliberately do things that are at odds with the way you've always behaved towards each other?" "Can you stay and ensure that your child is protected, from financial consequences, from possible homelessness, from the emotional fall out of parental stress?"

I feel incredibly sad for the little boy in this. I'd be very surprised if he's not aware of what's going on to some extent, even if both parents try to protect him. His hero has clay feet, dad says things that prove not to be true, both parents are unhappy. He loves both. And he's powerless.

sheramber

when a friend critsised her husband and eventually left him I asked her why she married him.

her reply was ‘It seemed a good idea sat the time’.

People change. I was married for over 50 years but neither I nor my husband were the same people we were when we married at 21 years.
Fortunately, we grew stronger together rather than drifting apart.

HampshireH

From a practical point of view I would open a new bills account (single). Transfer all DDs for bills you are paying to the new account you are funding.

This removes the ability for him to spend that money

He will have to get a job. There are plenty of 50+ working as a delivery drivers for supermarkets so unless he is sabotaging his applications or interviews it sounds like he feels this work is beneath him. It sounds like he thinks this about quite a few jobs.

However when you aren't funding the joint account he will be forced to earn an income somewhere or sign on.

Not being the first or second time I would be walking away.

If your mum is able to help you financially (if she needs to) perhaps she could do this by paying for school uniforms and things your son needs rather than the bills

saajan_12

Halfway through reading that, I thought you needed a frank discussion on how his lack of employment is affecting you / how you feel / the household, with a serious 'buck up or we're done' connotation. By the end, that time has come and gone. Its not just a lack of jobs, he's actually lying to fraudulently get what he wants (eg the loans). He's stealing money from a joint to a personal account (if its shared money then why does he need to put it into somewhere only he can access?). It extends from a money issue to a relationship issue.

Its time to separate your finances, to safeguard your income and payments towards you home, bills, food, etc, I'm all for combining ordinarily, but at this point he's not playing for the team. That way at least it doesn't get WORSE eg loans, spending on other things, etc. Then if you want to separate / move out that's something you need to think about more deeply.

Jude57

I wonder if OP's husband realises that by refusing to claim unemployment benefits he's not only depriving his family of that income, however small but potentially depriving them of other benefits to which they may be entitled, though I should say I'm not well up on benefits. What I do know is that OP should have a look at whether she would be able, as a single parent, to top up her sole income with benefits. I'd recommend putting her circumstances through a free online benefits checker such as entitledto so that she can get an idea of what she might be able to claim it she does leave the marriage. I do know that certain benefits are called 'passport' benefits because if you qualify for them, you will automatically qualify (but still have to claim) for others. The Benefits board here has experts who can advise.

And does OP's husband understand the impact on his State Pension by not claiming unemployment benefits? If he does claim JSA he will get credits towards his State Pension. Of course, if he starts work, he can always buy additional contributions to his State Pension but these missing months/years have a big impact on how much State Pension he'll receive. I suspect it's yet another thing OP's husband doesn't seem to want to think about.

pollypenny

He sounds like a lost cause to me and he's treating the OP with no respect, let alone love.

FlorayG

I note OP hasn't been back to comment

GDB2222

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82115228#Comment_82115228

The OP was "Last Active:Aug 21, 2026", so may not have even seen any of the posts. It's also possible the OP has more than one account and didn't want to post personal stuff on their main account.

Exodi

I'm male (I mention it as gender bias has been mentioned in the forum) and I'm fully on board with @Pollycat's view.

It does not matter the genders, there have been so many red lines crossed in the OP's posts I don't even know where to start. I think the OP should definitely leave - take your pick why:

• Not mentioning they'd been made redundant to their partner and pretended to work
• 18 months unemployed and counting, turned down a job due to 'vibes'
• Asking OP to take out loans for them as they've secretly amassed £35k in debt
• Hate her family and refuses the mum access to the house
• Refuses to claim benefits and instead prefers to place the burden on OP
• Refuses to sell his stuff
• Refuses to ask his family for money (but suggests she should ask hers)
• Pretends again to have a job
• Transfers the OP's entire bonus out of the joint account to their own without as much as a discussion (!!!)
• And to boot - "the whole time he has been off, he’s not lifted a finger in the house. Still expecting me to do the majority of the housework, cooking, food shop etc and he won’t play with our son after school pick up as he pretends he’s working by sitting watching YouTube on his laptop in his office"

I find it incredulous people are talking about or questioning the OP's love and respect, while the OP's partner provides absolutely none.

I know people like this, it's really quite simple, they don't want to do anything that affects them in any way - hence not wanting to sell his stuff, or sign on, or speak to his family, but more than happy for the OP to solve his situation for him. But then to suggest she doesn't support him - the audacity!

If I lost my job and relied on my wife to pay for everything, you best believe I'll be making sure dinner is on the table every day when she got in from work at the bare minimum.

Unfortunately I just can't relate at all to the dynamic the OP describes - my wife and I both work full time and we contribute to the household chores equally (truly equally, not the typical notion of just taking the bins out once a week). To be honest the wording of the post just highlights how separate they are. I think it's a great modern day injustice that women are expected to work, but many men still expect them to do the majority of the housework. Cake and eat it comes to mind.

OP should leave him, not because he lost his job or because he has 'outlived his usefulness', but because he consistently displayed absolutely no respect or appreciation for his partner.

I suspect the reason she hasn't left a long time ago as others would have, is probably because she doesn't know any different. She met him when she was 21, leaving him would be venturing into the great unknown.

But life is too short to spend it unhappy.