Husband hidden £35k debt, lied about getting a job. Where do I go from here?

LightFlare

Maye I'm too traditional - but I took and take my marriage vows very seriously

Everytime in the 30+ years we've been married that things got tough - I repeat them to myelf

I would be quite interested to see if the replies would be the same if it was him writing about her or would he be labelled as an unsupportive husband (and other names as well)

It sounds as if he needs some kind of professional help and a whole lot of support

FlorayG

I can't honestly believe you're even asking. Are you expecting someone to produce a miraculous solution that you've not yet thought of?

You know he's a lost cause, he just uses you JUST LEAVE HIM

it's not your problem what happens to him once you do. He's not a child.

Are you joint tenants? If so you can give notice which will act for both of you then he has 2 months to find somewhere else or sign a new tenancy in his own name. If he is the tenant and you are a Permitted Occupier then just inform the landlord you are moving out and just go.

Pollycat

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82110386#Comment_82110386

I'm traditional too. I first got married over 50 years ago.

I take my marriage vows very seriously too.

Unfortunately, my first husband didn't.

And it sounds like the OP's husband doesn't either.

There's 'tough' and then there's 'tough'.

If your partner hasn't lied to you, hasn't taken money intended for the benefit of the marriage, hasn't forbid your parents to enter your shared house etc etc, your experience is nothing like the OP's (or mine)

Please don't guilt-trip the OP into staying in a marriage that sounds appalling.

And yes, my advice would be exactly the same if the OP was male.

It sounds like the OP has bent over backwards to support her husband and all he's done is take, take, take (and lie).

He may accept that he needs professional help but until - or if - he does, the OP is left with debt and lies.

Worried_fool

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82110344#Comment_82110344

The law has changed. Under the new RRA, if ONE tenant gives notice correctly, that brings an end to the entire tenancy. So (i) if the poster simply leaves without telling the landlord, she continues to be legally liable for the rent, as you warn; but (ii) if the poster does give the landlord the correct notice and then leaves, that ends the tenancy. The landlord could then decide to offer a new tenancy to the husband, but would not have to do so.

RAS

I would suggest that the OP gets advice from Shelter etc about ending a joint tenancy. The law change is new and there may be specific terms that need to be used if the other tenant has not signed the notice to terminate the tenancy.

OP. How much overdrawn is the joint account? I'd advise that you take a letter to the bank telling them that all future withdrawals require both signatures. That won't pay off the debt but it'll stop it increasing and mean that anything you do pay in reduces the debt. There is no way you can afford to let him extract more.

I'm assuming your other income is paid into a sole account? If not, please sort that. And pull all three credit records and maybe ask about placing a CIFAS warning on your credit record to prevent any attempt to take money out in your name.

And if junior has any savings make sure those are not accessible, assuming anything is left. Usually either parent can withdraw from child accounts. If that can't happen, it may be worth taking the nuclear option, foregoing any benefits of child saving and relocating the money.

The GP will have to advise the husband of anything she says about him if she visits about him. She can visit them to talk about her own mental health and explain the reason for her distress. They may follow up with him.

Unfortunately, any financial settlement will look to share the financial burden but if the OP relocates with their son, simply on the grounds that the husband isn't capable for keeping a roof over the child's head, that should be a priority.

We are assuming that husband's abuse is purely economic and financial? If not the OP should take advice from Women's Aid to discuss leaving safely.

sheramber

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82110386#Comment_82110386

That depends on what vows you made.

Spendless

What's he spending the money on? Is it possible he has for example a gambling addiction?

GDB2222

I found this entire thread very saddening, because there’s no mention of the word love. Life is not just about getting by financially, but love and support. And, there’s been no mention of the profound impact on the couple’s child if they split up. Worse still if the child's father spirals further into despair, or even harms himself.

The OP doesn’t mention what work her husband did, but there’s been a lot of redundancy in the IT industry, for example. So, this is perhaps a man who’s been working in a skilled job, and especially at age 53 his chances of getting a new job in the same area of work are pretty slim. Of course, he is in denial. Men see themselves as the breadwinners and redundancy undermines them deeply. Of course, the practical choice is to take an unskilled job in a bar or delivering food, but the effect on his sense of worth will be profound. He needs help and sympathy to make that transition.

Some of the advice on this thread has been along the lines of “he has outlived his usefulness, so throw him away”. I feel sorry for people who have that perspective.

Pollycat

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82111037#Comment_82111037

How long should the OP accept that her husband is in denial?

How long should she put up with his lies?

Should she just accept that he took her bonus payment out of their joint account and put it into his sole account for his own use?

How many more £0000s of debt (that she is totally unaware of) is he going to get into?

How long is the OP expected to hold down a full-time job and do everything in the house?

Of course redundancy hits people hard, especially at age 53.

But to wallow in it for 18 months, lying about being made redundant at all, refusing jobs because they are 'beneath him', tell telling lies about getting a new job just doesn't cut it (for me).

The expecation that the OP should ask her family for financial assitance out of the hole he alone has created when he won't ask his own family speks volumes.

I too found this thread very sad…because there is a woman - wife and Mum - who has bent over backwards for this man who is "in denial".

I really don't think it's a case of "he has outlived his usefulness, so throw him away"

It's more that he needs to grow up, understand his responsibilities and do something about adding to the family finances and contributing to the family workload. Even if it means accepting jobs that he deems below him and cutting down on his YouTube watching.

If he needs medical help to get to that point, then he needs to accept that and do something about it.

MattMattMattUK

In your situation I would almost certainly get divorced, that would not be because of a lack of love (though there is no indication love in either direction, just going through the motions), but because love is not enough if trust has gone and trust appears irreparable broken.