Husband hidden £35k debt, lied about getting a job. Where do I go from here?

GDB2222

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82111108#Comment_82111108

Would you be more sympathetic if the husband had a physical illness that you could see, rather than a mental condition that you think he should shrug off?

Pollycat

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82111148#Comment_82111148

Let's not get into 'what if' scenarios.

It does not help the OP.

My advice is specifically directed at the OP who has shared whatever information she wishes to.

If the OP's husband really does have a physical illness, she probably would have mentioned it.

The OP has not even mentioned mental illness.

Mental illness was first mentioned by another poster after the OP's last post: "Possibly get a visit to your GP as he suffering from depression".

None of us knows what the OP's husband's state of mind is.

You will note that I said "If he needs medical help…".

So I don't think he should "shrug off" mental illness because I don't know if he even has mental illness. And neither do you or anyone else posting on this thread.

If a poster started a thread about their partner having a physical illness (regardless of what gender they are) and being made redundant, my response would be based on the information given in that thread.

I may be more sympathetic or less sympathetic depending on what is posted.

KxMx

OP mentioned this is the third time in over 20 years that his attitude towards money has caused major issues for her.

Also even if it was mental illness, still doesn't mean the other person has to stay in the relationship because the other person being unwell gives a free pass for them to behave badly or having needs that overwhelm their partners health & happiness.

sheramber

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82111148#Comment_82111148

A physical illness does not excuse lying, deceit. spending money for household bills on himself and running up £0000s of debt.

Yes, I would feel the same.

RAS

My own perspective is coloured by experience where someone failed to inform their family and others of multiple major financial problems, sailed very close to the wind legally and used other people's money to extend the time it took for the whole pack of cards to fail.

They may have believed that the situation would eventually come good but everyone completely lost trust and assumed that anything they said was a lie. Because they'd hold the lie even when the person they were talking to knew the truth.

Doesn't necessarily mean that the person isn't loved but that people have to protect themselves from further damage before they allow the person to do anything that cannot be fully verified by independent sources. Even then it may only be believable now, not tomorrow.

elsien

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82111037#Comment_82111037

It’s a bit old-fashioned nowadays for it to be considered that men are the main breadwinner. And in this particular case the OP is clearly working as well.

I was made redundant when I was 50. I had no option but to pick myself up and carry on because I was my own breadwinner. Of course it’s not easy, but you do what you have to do to keep a roof over your head.

Savvy_Sue

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6680496/husband-hidden-35k-debt-lied-about-getting-a-job-where-do-i-go-from-here

If he thinks that you suggesting things he doesn't like is 'going nuclear', I wonder if there is any chance of a calm discussion where you point out what the 'nuclear' option is, ie you leave him until he sorts himself out. (Personally I think the chances of him doing so are slim to none, but I may be wrong.)

You could also suggest marriage counselling, although I suspect he won't want to do that either. However, you can go on your own, and it might help you sort through your own choices in a calm and supportive environment.

You are worried about how he would cope / what he would do if you left. But there comes a point where you realise you cannot restrict your choices by those 'what if' decisions, and that there are other 'what if' decisions looming.

I would second all the good advice about establishing exactly how your tenancy is held, and therefore how you can safely exit.

And if you have any concerns about how he might react to you suggesting separation or actually leaving, then please contact Women's Aid for advice.

jackieblack

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82110136#Comment_82110136

This ^^^^^^

GDB2222

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82111557#Comment_82111557

I am a bit old fashioned, and also a bit of a romantic. It’s saddening that there’s so little romance in the original post on this thread, and even less in many of the comments.

Of course, the husband is deeply flawed. His behaviour has been childish and it must be incredibly frustrating for the OP, who is desperately trying to hold it all together. But, where’s the compassion, empathy and love gone? They must have cared for each other at some stage?

Pollycat

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82111946#Comment_82111946

Perhaps (or more likely - probably) the compassion, empathy and love disappeared after years of lies, deceit and selfish behaviour from the OP's husband.

It's incredibly hard to be romantic under those circumstances. And that's before we get into the controlling behaviour indicated by his refusal to allow the OP's Mum into their shared house when he is there.

And if you've never experienced behaviour like that towards you, you just cannot understand.

Classing the husband (not just this particular one) as the main breadwinner is much more than old-fashioned. It's an out-of-date concept.

I started work over 55 years ago.

I always paid my way. At times, I was the higher earner. Other times, my husband was.

I supported both my husbands through periods of redundancy.

My husband certainly never saw himself as the 'breadwinner'.

Even now, 20 years on from retirement, my income is higher.

My husband would never take money from our joint account - money that was earmarked for debts - and put it into his own account for his own use.

Of course this couple cared for each other at some point.

His actions over the years have probably eroded any feeling the OP feels for him.

To the extent that the most positive thing she says about him is "he’s not a bad man".

People have fallen out of love for a lot less reasons than the OP's situation.