Husband hidden £35k debt, lied about getting a job. Where do I go from here?

l_go

I’m 41 and husband is 53. He has been out of work for nearly 18 months since being made redundant. At first he didn’t tell me, and I didn’t notice as he was pretending to work every day in his home office.  I noticed no laptop one day and he told me but said he was ok financially as he had been given extra pay from the redundancy, however it’s become increasingly difficult as the months pass.

This isn’t the first time it’s happened. First time when we got together 20 years ago. I got second job in a pub to get by because he refused to. Second time was when I was pregnant 9 years ago and I started consulting on mat leave to pay our bills.

This time I agreed to cover all of the household bills, but said I couldn’t do any extra work as we have our son now and my job is very demanding and he would need to find a way to sort that himself. (Pub, shop work, warehouse etc).

He has been trying to look for jobs but is only interested in looking in his industry. Last year he was offered a job and he turned it down saying the vibe wasn’t right. (He now says he regrets this as didn’t know how long he would be out of work for.)

He also says, although I don’t know if I believe it, that when he has tried to get a job with Ocado/Uber/Evri/Retail and has been turned away and blames it on his age (53).

A few months ago he asked me to get out loans and I said no. He accused me of not supporting him. He hates my family and hasn’t seen any of them for years. He refuses to have my mum in the house when he’s here, yet he’s asked me to ask them for money! But won’t ask his own family even though his brother is fairly wealthy.

In a recent conversation, it came out that he’s in c£35k worth of debt, getting loans to pay for his personal bills and now he can’t get any more out and is becoming stuck.

It’s becoming more and more desperate and I’ve suggested: job seekers allowance, self employment, contract work, retail work, contacting creditors to work out lower payments, speaking to his family, selling his expensive hifi systems (he has c3). He won’t do any of them! I even booked an appointment and took him to to the local business centre to set himself up as self employed consultant, but he came away saying it won’t work as he needs ‘a big idea’ to start a business and won’t simply become a consultant in the industry he’s in ‘because there’s so many other consultants’.

As I’ve been managing our home finances, when I got my annual bonus I put it into our joint account to clear the overdraft and without even a discussion he instantly withdrew the lot to his personal account.

Last month he told me he had a job, we celebrated and because his start date coincided with our family holiday (borrowed friends seaside chalet) he stayed home. He text to say he’d had laptop delivered and was training and had been given work although it was slow.

Because he had given me the confidence he was in work, I took out a loan to give him enough to get by until end of August with a bit extra. But when I came home I found out this was a lie and he doesn’t have the job at all. This now puts me in a really tight spot as I’m now at the point where I have less than £100 disposable income every month after all bills are paid and there’s things like school uniform to buy etc.

Now he’s telling me that he is going to speak with our landlord and ask him to let us off two months rent. I’ve said I don’t agree. I said I can cover that already and want household bills to be separate from his personal bills. I said he needs to look at selling some of his hifi equipment or chatting with his brother or creditors first and he’s having a go at me for ‘always choosing to go nuclear’ and it’s clearly not an option to sell his things as it will take too long to sell. I worry that if he does agree this, what happens when he still has no job at the end of those two months.

I just don’t know what to do. 

I can’t afford to get any more finance out for him and whilst he is saying he’s got 8 jobs opportunities on the go and hoping one will accept him, he was in this situation before and didn’t get any of them.

Any advice very welcome. (Leaving him is an option, however I worry what would happen with him).

edited to add our ages and and correct grammar!

Woodstok2000

There is a long-running pattern here, and it sounds like you already know where this is likely to end up. It sounds like he needs a serious reality check, and maybe that will get him back on the right path but it's going to be a long slow journey if so, and it seems as if he's given up and is putting his head in the sand waiting for a miracle.

The only advice I can give is to start working on your exit strategy (hoping you will never need it). Make sure your finances are kept as separate as possible, ensure you have an emergency fund and whatever happens try to minimise the impact on your son.

l_go

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82110035#Comment_82110035

Thank you. I have spoken to my mum about it and she has said if I need it she will give me the deposit money for a rent for a place for me and my son. But she understandably doesn’t want to give money to him when it may just push the problem down the road a few months with no change in the situation.

The logistics and overwhelm of what I need to do is so great. And I really do feel for him. I know we have our ups and downs but he’s not a bad man. I just find that he expects everyone else to rescue him all the time and I can’t keep doing it.

Also the whole time he has been off, he’s not lifted a finger in the house. Still expecting me to do the majority of the housework, cooking, food shop etc and he won’t play with our son after school pick up as he pretends he’s working by sitting watching YouTube on his laptop in his office. It’s exhausting.

It’s causing a huge strain and I’m trying my best not to impact our son, but he obviously knows something is going on as kids are not silly!

LightFlare

sorry to sound harsh - but your post comes across very much as you and him as separate entities

Maybe start approaching it as an us/we and not him/me

Has his behaviour changed ?

Sounds as if he’s in a massive doom spiral with no perceived way out

Possibly get a visit to your GP as he suffering from depression - especially if he feels as if you are putting pressure on him (he may just perceive that you are)

MyRealNameToo

Every couple is different and there is no right or wrong way to be a couple. Some people may think being a couple should be one thing but that doesnt make them right nor those couples who work another way wrong

Its unclear what your normal arrangements are, it certainly does come across that there is a strong independence between you - the him -v- me as mentioned above. Personally dont get it but it works for some. Its unclear how the household bills are normally covered, what these "personal expenses" are, how the normal finances work and therefore how involved you are with everything.

You have a sizeable age gap, which would have been much more notable when you were both 20 years younger and so wonder if that has established roles in the relationship where he is the "provider" and has been embarrassed that right now they cannot fulfill that role. Combine that with some over confidence of how quickly they can secure new employment and it may go some way to explain the behaviour.

Taking "something" can be a double edge sword… income is income but some may think that going from £150k salary to a part time NMW job isnt going to materially help balance the books. Add to that being in employment can make getting another job harder because you cant answer the phone when a recruiter calls and you are on the tills and getting interviews into the diary is harder if it clashes with your day job. Some will think those two combined makes it more important to focus on getting another proper job than take a temporary role.

Woodstok2000

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82110048#Comment_82110048

I think @LightFlare may have a point - its hard to fully describe an long running complex relationship issue here and only you will know the reality, but maybe he feels isolated and doesn't realise the extent of his impact on you. If thats a possibility you need to have a very clear discussion with him and lay out all your difficulties, but make it clear you are approaching it as a team and want to get out of it together.

If that still doesn't work you will at least know you tried your best

Pollycat

This is going to come across as less sympathetic than other replies.

He's accused you of not supporting him but what has he done to support you?

He's lied and lied and lied.

He's left you to do everything in the house whilst you are working.

He's taken your bonus money which you had put into your joint account to clear your joint overdraft and put it into his own account.

He's unwilling to ask his family for financial help but expects your family to help out.

He apparently has the power to refuse to allow your Mum into the house. The house that you share.

I would be planning that exit strategy mentioned above and seriously thinking of putting it into action.- if he doesn't accept that there needs to be a massive shift in his attitude to work, to you and to your son.

My first husband was a child financially.

As long as he had money in his pocket for a couple of pints, he didn't care if the bills were paid or not.

He lost job after job after job.

When I was out at work, he amused himself with playing music. I'd come home and the house would be a mess and I'd have to cook and clean.

Life is too short to spend it with a selfish person.

mr_stripey

if you don't or can't trust him(and it sounds like he's given you many reasons why you can't)then there's no point carrying on

You will be better off without him

Isthisforreal99

He sounds like somebody that has never really grown up and never really will. As a man of a similar age to him I couldn't live the way he does.

Your priority is you and your son and imho it's now ultimatum time, whether that be get a job, see a Dr if it's depression......whatever that ultimatum is if he doesn't sort himself out it's time to move on. Do you really see yourself putting up with it for another 30 years.

Keep_pedalling

Be careful about moving out and getting your own place. Assuming you are joint tenants then you are jointly and severally responsible for the rent so if you move out and he stays but fails to pay the rent your landlord can chase you for the full rent. If anyone needs to move out it is him.

sammyjammy

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82110049#Comment_82110049

I disagree, he is a grown man, it looks like they've tried to joinlty solve his problems before but he isn't interested in anyway except thos that make life easier for him. This isn't a relationship, he is behaving like a child.