Partner moving into my house - what is a fair contribution?

silvercar

She needs to be paying something more than a share of the bills to recognise that she is getting a free ride, rent wise.

Whether that should be for holidays/ entertainment costs for you both or a savings fund for a buying in to your home, or escaping to a place of her own, something needs to be agreed or her disposable income will create a large imbalance in funds.

Albermarle

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82028063#Comment_82028063

I agree, otherwise the OP will resent the situation and that can only cause problems.

Cubicsrube

It doesn't sound like you two are yet at a place in your relationship where you are ready to make this move. If you were, you would be inviting her to move in because of the huge upside of sharing a life and a future, with the understanding that your families and finances are or will soon become mingled. The words "free ride" suggest you're not thinking this way.

Would you consider that you're getting a 'free ride' every time she runs a load of laundry with your kids clothes in, or they eat something she's cooked? Will you be irritated if she says she's washing up her dishes but not yours or theirs, or that you have to get a babysitter to go out with the lads even though she's home, because otherwise you're getting a 'free ride' on childcare??

If you start co-habiting before your relationship is truly ready, it has to be a hard-headed financial and logistical decision with a written agreement between you two, her as 'lodger', where both of you feel fairly done by and protected in case of a split. (I will say, that starting off on this calculating of a basis might torpedo the relationship anyway.)

VacatedCape

very interesting and thanks for raising this, I find myself in a similar boat and will be keeping an eye on other suggestions.
my experience is that opinions vary widely - from let her move in at no cost, all the way to signing a tenancy agreement.
you’re heavily restrained by how little she pays currently and in this scenario it’s very difficult to come up with a logical, mathematical number based on costs.
if she had genuinely been looking for alternative living arrangements then she should have an idea as to what that Is likely to cost, therefore this figure can be used in place of current costs. With this figure you can then come up with a fair figure.
Option 1 - split all shared costs and call it a day. It’s fair

Option 2 - calculate both people’s benefit from shared living (benefit from reduced commute is questionable as to whether it should be included), split bills equally and then adjust to ensure both partners benefit equally. It’s fair

@billvell what do you think of this option?

if I mock up a scenario where your partner has the following costs for living in a small one bed/studio

Rent/mortgage - £600 (reasonable assumed cost for a shared room/cheap mortgage)

CT - £140

Gas & electric - £100

Water - £30

Internet - £20

Contents insurance - £10

Then assuming a joint cost of

CT - £185 plus removal of 25% discount £246

Gas & electric - £250

Water - £70

Internet - £20

Contents insurance - £15

Then I calculate that OP would benefit £177 and partner would benefit £602. Therefore, to even this out, an additional contribution of £212.50 would then mean that both partners are benefitting equally. Actual costs are lower than expected? Recalculate and lower the additional contribution. Bills increase with the price cap going up? Recalculate and lower the contribution.
This amount could be adjusted to then consider actual wages and fairness etc.

The definition of fair is blurred, but there should be significant benefits to this move for both partners and if you can’t communicate and agree on what fair is then it’s probably not the right time to be moving in.

Ps, It is worth mentioning though that certain costs should not be considered, such as mortgage (it’s your mortgage), buildings insurance (it’s your building), maintenance, upkeep, furniture, and wear and tear.

sheramber

What does your partner think she should pay?

Have you asked her/ discussed it or are you intending presenting her with what you expect her to pay?

Exodi

Your initial post gives a relatively balanced view of the situation, but then your follow up post makes your bias quite apparent on the situation.

For example:

billvell

it doesn’t really feel right that I carry all the risk and responsibility

Don't forget reward in that list. You are after all accruing equity in the property, and benefiting from any house price increases. There's a reason most people prefer to buy over renting.

billvell

and she pays nothing despite enjoying the benefits (and adding to wear and tear and costs)

It's not as rosy as you make it sound - she could be kicked out at a seconds notice if you disagree with her in an argument, develop feelings for someone else, etc. Her security is tenuous and based on your continued agreement.

And if you weren't together, you would be perfectly happy paying the mortgage and bills. It's hard to see the attempt to charge her rent as anything other than opportunism. It's also hard to see how much additional 'wear and tear' you think she might be contributing, over the wear and tear of an adult and three children.

I'm sensing cognitive dissonance because you don't want to penny pinch as you say it's not a "healthy basis for a successful relationship", but ultimately it appears you want to charge her something for housing.

You "don't want to 'make money' from her or take advantage", but despite having no issue paying the full mortgage if you weren't together, again ultimately it appears you want to charge her something for housing.

Your values and your intentions seem to be at odds. Oftentimes people come to this forum with a guise of open-mindedness and impartiality, but in reality are pre-decided and hoping to reinforce their pre-existing views. I'm guilty of this just as much as anyone. This may not apply to you, I don't know.

billvell

I also don't think it's fair for me to effectively subsidise her savings-orientated, comparatively carefree (financially at least) lifestyle, while I scrimp and watch every single penny and stress about the boiler breaking down or how I'll pay for a sofa. I worry that if I feel a bit like I'm being taken advantage of, it will build resentment? For context - I have taken out a mortgage over the absolute maximum term I can, and am pushing it to balance everything - mortgage, children maintenance, etc etc.

(You can drop child maintenance from that list for obvious reasons) that is all your decision, and has the long term reward of a mortgage-free house at the end.

billvell

If she is already effectovely paying rent to live at home (and not enjoying it at all), how is it any different to pay me that or something similar, instead, whilst also enjoying the benefits of having somewhere to call 'hers', more freedom, not swapping between houses with me, shorter commute to work etc? 

It's hard to comment as we don't know what the £300 is for (does it include heating, food, etc, as I suspect it probably does, so effectively the actual housing element could well be £0), but you can appreciate it's inconsistent to suggest she should call the house 'hers' when you are maintaining 100% ownership of it. Unless your suggestion is to get her to pay £250 towards housing (~30% of the mortgage!) and in turn you will change the ownership of the property to tenants in common and recognise her ongoing contribution in a deed of trust? If not, you couldn't reasonably expect her to be able to consider your house in any way 'hers'.

billvell

I don't think my position is unreasonable? Or maybe it is?

I think it is. I don't think you're as unbiased or open-minded as you may think unfortunately.

billvell

I hasten to add, we haven't really discussed this properly, but the one time we accidentally sort of did a while back, I don't think we were really on the same page, so I'm a bit anxious about it and not even sure where tonstart the conversation for fear of finding out for sure that we are in totally different places about it!

It doesn't surprise me unfortunately.

I appreciate I've been overly critical in this, so I will add that I do have first hand experience with this.

When I first met my partner (now wife), she moved into a house I owned. I didn't charge her 'rent'. To be honest, I've been absolutely smitten by my wife ever since I met her (about 6.5 years ago at the start of Covid) so the thought didn't really enter my mind, plus I believe my logic at the time was along the lines of if I was happy paying the full mortgage before she moved in, why wouldn't I be after. I also took a longer term view that eventually she'd buy into the house, we'd get married, have kids, etc and it wouldn't matter. I'm happy to inform that's exactly what ended up happening!

These threads are commonly divided, there is no right or wrong answer, just what you agree between you.

Unfortunately it sounds like you are at different ends.

Out of interest, how long have you been together? Is there an opportunity to buy a different house that you might both want by combining finances/deposits?

Albermarle

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82030360#Comment_82030360

Just a couple of points to react to.

Total lack of security of accommodation as you can kick her out on a whim and she has no leg to stand on (even if she paid you rent as a lodger she'd had to resolve any disputes in court AFTER she's been kicked out)

If she was an official lodger, she can be asked to leave at short notice and no possibility of disputing it in court. Or vice versa, she can leave at short notice with no need to pay anything. A lodger agreement is completely different from a tenancy.

Let's face it, as a woman and the only woman in the house she will be doing heavily lifting in terms of chores and mental load.

Somewhat of a sweeping statement . We are not all living in the 1800's .

WYSPECIAL

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6671477/partner-moving-into-my-house-what-is-a-fair-contribution

Rather than change the whole dynamics of the relationship at once why don’t you try leaving her situation as it is for now? You buy the house and she stays at her mum’s. She can come and stop over whenever it suits you both and has somewhere else to go when it doesn’t. If it seems to still be working you can move the relationship on to the next stage when it feels right.

Her current situation can’t be that bad if she has the means to change it but has chosen not because she hasn’t found something “just right”.

Exodi

FYRE2030

Sadly it is the 21st century and women still statistically do more housework than men and carry more mental load. The statistics to back this up can easily be found online. Of course it could be different in this particular case, but without knowing for sure I tend to assess the likelihood based on available science. Something for her to consider before moving in. And if they have not lived together there is no way of knowing until she moves in despite anyone's best intentions and assurances.

Despite agreeing with much of your post (it is clear we hold very similar views), like @albemarle I did not like your sweeping generalisations about men.

You are correct in the point you are making (and this is the case for many reasons, some historic, some practical), and I would have had no issue whatsoever if you had said in your post in "some men" or even "many men", but you didn't, instead you tarred all men with the same brush and said things like:

FYRE2030

as a woman and the only woman in the house she will be doing heavily lifting in terms of chores and mental load

It is offensive to the plethora of men that aren't stuck in the dark ages and contribute to the housework equally.

I also wasn't a fan of the incendiary comment:

FYRE2030

Having to compromise on her standards in terms of how she can decorate the house and how clean and tidy it will stay

Which again implies a man will always be less clean or tidy.

It would have been very easy to have said "As a woman, it's likely she may be doing the having lifting in terms of chores" or "If she likes to keep the house tidy and clean and he does not, she might have to compromise on her standards".

You must understand you can't just make sweeping generalisations like this, it's offensive to the people being stereotyped. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if the same was done about women in this thread.

It's a shame because you made a lot of good points otherwise, I think you were spot on with your comment "You seem to resent an arrangement where she might benefit from your living together in your house more than you would (e.g. if she covers only what her living with you costs you). This suggests to me that you view her as an opponent, or someone you could benefit from, as opposed to someone on your team."

izawa

any chances of marriage happening? if so , then you both can pool resources for greater good