Dealing with death

NotRichAtAll

Found out sunday my wife has a very short time left, i am lost,numb and struggling to hold myself together for her. How do i even talk about it with her, neither of us have planned for this but here we are………………sorry

Flugelhorn

I am so sorry to hear this - I hope you find courage and strength.

Is there anyone specific eg a MacMillan nurse likely to be able to help you - sometimes they will be able to go through end of life planning and it involves thinking about many questions and points. Sometimes easier if a third party is involved - some of it is very practical eg wills / financials / bank accounts / who to tell etc etc

Misslayed

I’m so sorry you’re having to face this together. Have you got any contact with hospice nurses, Marie Curie nurses?
I think if you dial 111 they may be able to direct you to specific sources of immediate support. Many will respond even over night.

Silvertabby

I'm so very sorry. All I can offer is the advice to say everything to her now, rather than think "I'd wish I'd told her that......" later.

Do you have anyone who can help you with practical things ?

NotRichAtAll

Thank you all for your suggestions and kind words, hospice lady has been to see us in the hospital, she made good sense with what she told us. It's still such a cruel multi emotional place to be.I am at home now and so lonely and lost without her here with me.

Ms_Chocaholic

Sorry to hear this. Have you got other family/friends you can call on, I know if it was someone close to me I'd be there quick as a flash if that's what they wanted.

benin

I’m very sorry for you and your wife. This is my experience in a similar situation.

My wife died recently after being diagnosed with an incurable disease. She had known for some time that there was something seriously wrong so while the diagnosis was a shock it was not a surprise.

She was very accepting of what the outcome would be and worked to understand more about the disease and its progression and what adjustments we would have to make to minimise its effects. A local support group of fellow sufferers was hugely helpful as they could share experiences and what was likely to happen.

As the disease progressed she became more dependent on me for help. After her looking after me for the whole of our married life our roles slowly reversed as I took on the role of the carer. I found it a hugely positive experience and I would say our love was stronger at the end than before she was diagnosed.

In the end she died much sooner than we were expecting. I count this as a blessing as some of the more invasive indignities of the disease were spared her. She also died at home which is wonderful.

After her death I’ve tried to take solace from the wonderful times we had together. I also have three lovely children who have been a great help.

Smudgeismydog

I’m so sorry for you both

When my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer, and given a very short life expectancy, it was a huge shock. You might find you process this differently, one person might be in shock and take a while to process the diagnosis, while the other might want to be practical, and then the roles might reverse. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this.

I’m glad to hear the lady from the hospice was able to provide some support, they are very special people, who will hold your hands throughout. I’m sure they will be able to answer questions you may have and offer practical tips and guidance.

Sending you both much love and support

I'm so sorry for your recent loss @benin

YBR

Sorry to hear this. Naturally you are sort-of grieving as you adjust, and the emotions will be overwhelming to begin with.

For some people it helps to start with practicalities such as is there a will? does she have any wishes as to her care - because you may have to advocate for her? would she like input into funeral arrangements? It may seem morbid but it should help when the time comes (some will not care what is done after they die, but it generally helps the bereaved if they have something to work with).

OTOH you might start with the emotions, needing to lament together? Your wife may be able to support you emotionally as you process this together. It's OK to let her see your emotions and voice your regrets, and OK to name the reality rather than use all those euphemisms for death.

There's not a "wrong" way to face it, feeling lost and lonely is normal.

kipsterno1

Reaching out to others as you have done here is a good thing. It is good that you are already in contact with your local hospice. They offer so much more than patient care and this continues after a loved one passes away so you won't just be forgotten about.

Keep_pedalling

Sorry you find yourself in this horrible situation, and I know that sometimes it is the spouse / partner who has the most difficulty with handling the situation emotionally.

From recent experience with a friend and relative your wife might find in comforting to get her affairs in order apart from making sure she has a will in place she might like to make some keepsake gifts to friends and family. My cousin planed his own funeral in detail with the help of his wife which helped both of the cope a little better.