Money Moral Dilemma: Should I bail out my son who wants nothing to do with me?

JayD

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81953754#Comment_81953754

This is really nothing to do with your son. So, don't get hung up on all of those ill feelings.

This is about a friend who did you a kindness and is now about to get hammered for it.

You will be bailing out a friend who YOU got into difficulty.

So PAY UP!

Cubicsrube

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81955372#Comment_81955372

Yes they can, in the US. If the friend co-signed a government-backed loan, they absolutely can garnish the friend's social security (aka state pension). They can't do this if it was a private loan, but they could get a court judgment to recoup the debt from all available assets and income (including from someone's 401k, which is a personal retirement investment account and more or less the US equivalent of a private pension).

That said, the debt can probably be reduced or restructured. With the fed govt a defaulted loan can be 'rehabbed' by agreement, and with a private loan company it can be negotiated. They may accept a lower amount to avoid the costs of court and collections. The friend should explore both these routes and when she has got the debt as low as possible, OP should (morally) then cover it, assuming the co-signing was a favour requested by them.

TurbulentCourage

I agree with Missy15

Further to Missy15's input I would ask questions - please do not be offended as I am trying to be realistic (and having ben conned by so-called friends in the past)

How well do you really know your friend?

Have you seen the documentation about the deductions from the friends pension? (and checked it)

If you do not know where your son is, how do you know he has no job or assets? Or even still with us?

If you are 100% certain this is real then it is up to you to decide. If you have any doubts, get all the information you can before making a decision.

Gettingwiser89

This should not even be up for discussion. The background is irrelevant. A friend is £20,000 out of pocket by doing you a favour. You have a debt to pay, even if it were going to cripple you.

On a related note, and I've been caught out before as have many others on these forums. Never guarantee anyone's debts or rent unless you are READY, WILLING, ABLE and HAPPY to pay that sum or rent yourself no matter how underserving the recipient turns out to be.

Great_Crested_Grebe

My opinion is that you should bail out your friend, and your son then morally owes the money to you.

In time, he may get back in touch, and you can decide then if and how you will recover the money.

JJAGSP

I am amazed you need to ask this question. Repay your friend immediately. IMMEDIATELY.

Then repay the loan, stop bitching and cut your son out of any future beneficiary payments, Family Will etc……..

Let this be a lesson to you, he may be your son but he also clearly needs a lesson in manners, and respect for his own family.

MEM62

No dilemma here. The simple answer is no. You are not responsible for your adult children's behaviour or debts.

silvercar

Did your American friend co-sign off her own back or because you asked her to? If she’d have come on here and asked should she co-sign for her friend’s son’s loan, everyone would have said not to do it. She has to take some responsibility for agreeing to this.

Unless you promised you’d cover any shortfalls, or tried to persuade her to do this, I don’t see this as your problem. If she did this off her own bat with no cohersion, it’s on her.

If my son started asking my friends to cover his loans, I’d be livid with him, but I wouldn’t see myself as liable for something I haven’t asked my friends to do.

Cantandrex

Unfortunately she agreed to co-sign for the loan and the situation has played out badly.

It is your son's liability and his to resolve, though legally your friend's too!

I'm sure you feel extremely reticent to get involved due to your son's apparent lack of interest in the debt, or your family.

In my opinion, morality would say support the friend and chase your son to 'step up' and accept his responsibility for the situation, and to make sure you are paid back for any financial expense he has caused.

Sorry to be blunt but - his debts, his responsibility!