Money Moral Dilemma: Should I bail out my son who wants nothing to do with me?

chrissya

On this one. You are saving your friend not your son. She will have helped him for you so it's to me pretty much clear. You must do the right thing if you are able. Just make sure you or your friends don't help him again.

Groom

What an awful position to be in. If it was just your son, I would probably say leave him to it. However your friend did it out of the goodness of her heart - did you ask her? I think morally you have to pay it off.

PostHoc25

I agree that sadly, the right thing to do is not to burden your friend with your son's debts. BUT I would also say, if you can afford it, put some effort into a PI tracking him down so he can be made to take full responsibility, with neither of you being on the hook.

I would report him as missing to his local US Police and the UK Police. You can go through the FCDO in the UK for assistance - link here to some general info about the process.

https://www.npcc.police.uk/SysSiteAssets/media/downloads/publications/publications-log/national-crime-coordination-committee/2024/missing-abroad-process-chart.pdf

It may feel a little OTT, but if you genuinely have lost all contact with him, it is not unreasonable to consider him missing and (with no clue about US/student Loan repayments) doing so, may give you a little breathing space from any monies they are trying to collect if they can see you have made an official report here and in the USA.

Good luck.

Jodo

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81953889#Comment_81953889

As always there is not enough information in this “dilemma”. Does the person have proof of this demand for payment, which seems rather steep. Also, how do they know that the son is jobless and penniless if he isn’t even in touch?

Aimee_p

if you co sign and act as a guarantor then you take on that potential burden if the person defaults on the loan, unfortunately she chose that risk unless you told her you would pay the loan if anything untoward where to happen. Could you pay to locate him and assist her in chasing him for the debt? Bailing him out may not help in the long run, and if you aren’t in any contact you don’t know if he has a job or assets. Remember that males reach maturity at approximately age 26-28 and it’s this point they statistically start to make better choices so he may be turning his life around. He may not have any idea she is being chased for the debt and thinks it’s being written off, so he needs to be told.

Jm2207

Many men struggle with financial worries (debt, gambling etc) I think you need to track your son down and make sure he is ok. Then you need to discuss this issue with him and work out a plan that helps you all out

uk2009

well you have made it quite clear you dont think it fair to let your friend suffer this stress so pay your sons debts or at the very least help her with paying them.

JessieH_2

I truly believe that your friend only signed because you requested her assistance, and she gave it to you (not him) willingly. Now she needs your assistance, you are not bailing out your son, he may not even know about this if he’s gone off grid. You are bailing out the friend who trusted you personally. She was your son’s back up, and you are her back up. It’s currently nothing to do with your son, it’s to do with your friend. I stood guarantor for my foster son’s girlfriend’s rent while she was at university (now wife) as her parents were abroad, and she would have been unable to attend university if she didn’t have a UK guarantor. I did it because I trusted that they would actually pay her rent, which they did. I would have been in financial difficulties if they had not paid, just as your friend will be if you avoid your responsibility to her.

highlander58

It all hinges on why your friend agreed to do it & whether the lender really does have the power to deduct from her pension.
If (as we all assume) it was because he needed a US citizen as guarantor, & you asked them to do it on your behalf - then of course you should pay.

But how uncontactable is he really? You say he’s vanished, but you still seem to know his current circumstances. If that’s true - someone you know must still be in contact with him. In which case - let it be known that you’re paying his debt for him. If he’s got any self-respect left - he’ll get in contact. He might want to apologise to the friend, or just object to you paying. Hopefully he’ll want to pay up himself.
If you still want to be reconciled with your son after all these years - this situation could provide an opportunity to do so.

LightFlare

IF you decide to help out financially, I would strongly suggest you get some form of written proof that this debt exists and is enforceable as your friend states.

Desperate people can resort to desperate actions in times of crisis