Money Moral Dilemma: Should I have to pay for my hair and make-up to be my friend's bridesmaid?

gothvixen

This is yet another abomination creeping in from the US. The UK rule is that the bride pays for anything upon which she insists for her bridesmaids. If she is so controlling that she wants to dictate every facet of your appearance, she pays. The hen do rule is that all guests invited by whoever organises it pay an equal share of the total cost, that covers the bride. If she decides to do the right thing and buy drinks, maybe she isn't as bad as I'm imagining. If she dictates an expensive location and activities, there's no obligation to go. Standing up against the conceited entitlement of these people is important. Hen parties were always a night that is tacky but fun, none of this spa weekend/Ibiza blitz/Vegas vulgarity. My cousin even made all 7 of her bridesmaids' dresses, why should you pay for any part of your Stepford uniform?

Shell1989

I was recently asked to be a bridesmaid and expected to pay for all of these things myself too. If I'd known at the time I was asked, I would've declined, especially as I don't think my friend would do the same for me (and I wouldn't expect it, either!). However, if you've already agreed, it's not worth making the friendship awkward over, just take it as a lesson (I did), and enjoy the day - you're paying for it after all!

jenniewb

Literally not even a dilemma here.

You create or decide to have the party, you pay for the party.

You're invited to a party someone else decided? They pay for it. Not even a debate, if your "friend" is expecting everyone else to put their hands in their pockets, this speaks volumes about the type of person they are and ultimately how much respect they have for their friends. Think of it as a helpful thing to have happened, I'm sure you wouldn't throw a party in honour of yourself and expect everyone else to pay for it, why is it acceptable for her to treat you in this way and expect what she has stated? If you didn't ask her for the bill on a party she invited you to, then you shouldn't expect the bill.

CapeTown

I agree with the previous comments. It is outrageous that she is expecting you to fork out all this money. I estimate at the very least you will be down £1000, maybe more. What for... to literally look like an extra for a bride who just wants an expensive wedding. My son's friend got married 4 years ago. Expensive do, many bridesmaids, fancy venue. 2 years after divorce in process. When 50% of marriages end in divorce, I would not be spending that sort of money

jdvhsully

A friend’s daughter got married a few years ago, and said to her 4 bridesmaids that she would love them to share the day with her, but couldn’t afford to pay for the dresses etc.She said that they could wear what they wanted, but in a pastel colour, so that they could pick something they liked and would wear again. They all agreed and in the photos it looked lovely as the brides flowers were simple and in pastel shades, and the bridesmaids dresses were all different colours and styles but matched the flowers.
it can be done, it depends on the bride understanding that not everyone has the same budget and it’s more important to have your special people with you.

gorgeousgirlie

As has been said, US customs seem to be creeping into UK weddings, probably because the bride is doing her research online and not realising that traditions are different here. This may well be an honest misunderstanding on her part, rather than a sense of entitlement etc; someone needs to have a kind word with her.

highlander58

Disagree with last comment about ‘honest misunderstanding’. The bride knows perfectly well who pays. Unless she lives on another planet.
Weddings that bear no resemblance to a person’s real life & finances (& that of their friends & family) can cause huge & lasting damage.
Just politely decline & hope that, if enough of you do - she’ll lower her sights to a celebration that you can all afford & enjoy.

All_Ears

Let's look at this from a different angle. Suppose your friend was accompanying you on a shopping trip where you wanted to buy a dress, shoes, some jewellery, and have a hair do and make-up. On that trip, it was your friend who decided all of these things for you i.e. you go no say on what you wore and how you had your hair and make-up done. How would you feel, especially if it is your money that she is spending? No, the tradition is that, if the bride wants you to dress as a bridesmaid, then it is she who should pay. Indeed, what happened to the tradition of the bride's parents paying? Also, if you have to be there early for, say, having your hair and make-up done, then the bride should also pay for the overnight stay beforehand. I simply can't believe the arrogance of the bride. I expect also she would expect you to buy her a wedding present. Simply tell her that you can only afford to buy all the bridesmaid's stuff or a present, but not both, and ask her to reflect on which would a) last longer and b) would be more useful. No one should have a financial gun placed to her head, especially by someone who is trying to shift the financial burden of a wedding onto one of her friends. What next? As you will be in quite a few of the wedding photos, I wouldn't be surprised if she asks you to contribute to her wedding album as well. Indeed, you could fire back at her by saying that you will buy her wedding album but it will be your choice of size, design and material and, maybe, even which photographer. How would she take that?

beccadee22

I was a bridesmaid recently and it can certainly be expensive! I think asking you to pay for everything is pretty steep. In my recent experience the bride paid for half our dresses and for our hair. She gave us the option of doing our own make up or we could pay ourselves for the make up artist. We were just told a colour for shoes and could get whatever we liked so a lot of us just got them from Vinted. I thought how the bride handled it was pretty fair. The hen do and the hotel for 2 nights was expensive on top of everything else but we had a really great time and I was glad I did both nights at the hotel as it did make getting ready much easier. So at the end of it I was happy with what I spent even tho it was expensive! The bride also got us some nice gifts for being bridesmaids.

I really think in your case the bride not paying for anything at all is not really ok! Could you have a conversation with the bride about it? I think it’s quite unusual for the bride to expect the bridesmaids to cover everything. It sounds quite demanding. If it’s going to cause you financial stress/pressure then definitely speak up.

Builder_Dave

I read this and thought what's all the fuss? A cheap bridesmaid dress, bit of make up and a blow dry can't be more than £100 or so.

Anyway, after being laughed at, apparently it's more than this, who knew? Definitely the Bride/her family pay for everything to do with the wedding, if they can't afford it then make the wedding suit the budget they have.

To be fair I'm still in shock.