Money Moral Dilemma: Should I have to pay for my hair and make-up to be my friend's bridesmaid?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks…

I’ve been asked to be a bridesmaid at a friend’s wedding, which is some distance away. On top of paying for two nights in a hotel, the other bridesmaids and I are expected to cover the cost of dresses, shoes, hair, make-up and jewellery the bride wants us to wear - plus the hen do. Should the bride at least pay for the bridesmaids’ hair and make-up? I feel she should.

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Emmia

If the bride wants you to wear a dress, shoes and jewellery of their choosing, they pay. If they want particular make up and hair, they pay. I paid for all of this for my bridesmaids and my mum.

I hope the hen do isn't several days abroad with you also covering a share of the cost of the bride flights and hotel etc. plus your own costs.

I would probably decline to be a bridesmaid.

saajan_12

If the bride wants everyone to get the same hair & make up, then she should pay. If its provided as an option which you can decline, then no, its up to you whether you want the service.

Though I would feel the same about any required matching dresses, shoes, jewellery, hotel for the night before.. Basically everything but the hotel for the night of a late reception and your choice of attire which you can re-wear. Costs beyond that should be covered by the bride / couple as they are throwing the event.

That's different to hen do which is traditionally thrown by the bridesmaids / friends / family for the bride. But then it should be something that all the bridesmaids are happy to cover.

sammyjammy

Wow, I'd be saying thanks but no thanks. Was just discussing this attitude that some of have when getting married and causing close friends and relatives potential financial distress if they go along with it, Very selfish/blinkered.

vincit_veritas

You should decline to participate on such terms, and encourage the bride's other victims to do likewise. You would be doing her a kindness by helping her to reflect upon her appalling behaviour and mend her ways, before she ends up completely friendless.

Nessyjr

Wedding: bride pays

Hen do: guests pay

If the bride isn't prepared to do that, politely decline. She wants the bridesmaids there, dressed and decorated to her specifications. If you're expected to pay, then you're an ordinary guest, and going to turn up how YOU want.

Avoid the hen do: if that's the bride's attitude towards the wedding, then the hen do is going to be bank breaking, probably to somewhere you don't want to go.

You will definitely have better things to spend your money on, and you don't need someone else telling you how they're going to spend it for you

gloriouslyhappy

Gosh, weddings get more and more expensive and go from the realms of unreasonable to approaching extortion! If the bride insists on something, eg type of shoes or hairstyles, then the bride should pay.

I'm very glad I'm way too old to be a bridesmaid now as I would definitely refuse to pay all these outlandish costs of hen do, clothing, accommodation, makeup etc.

Rocketdogroya

No its a wedding cost that the bride wants so you shouldnt pay.

The hen do, the hotel and travel you would be paying to go regardless of status of bridesmaid

Im sure weddings had 2-3 bridesmaids and they cost of the wedding covered it. Now the bridal party can be like 10 bridesmaids or so strong (ive seen pics but maybe its a US thing) if so I can understand the wedding may not cover these costs and it maybe if ya wanna be in the wedding you have to pay for your part.

bikaga

Sounds like someone's seen too many US romcoms… it's a lot of money. I would feel ashamed asking someone to pay for all that and dictate what people are wearing. Especially when they're travelling and already have costs for that and accommodation and presumably a present and spending on the hen do!

PennysIntoPounds

"So honoured to be asked to be one of your bridesmaids, but sadly my budget can't extend to it at the moment. So excited for you and OH and looking forward to celebrating with you as a guest if that's okay xx"

PostHoc25

Eek - is giving me flashbacks. I urge you to settle this as far ahead of the wedding as possible. You could offer to pay in lieu of buying her a gift and see how she reacts. But my understanding has always been brides cover wedding costs.

My 3 hen/bridesmaid experiences:

Due to a period of poor health I chose to cancel being bridesmaid 3 months before a friend's wedding rather than potentially let her down at the 11th hour. She was very understanding but shoes had been made specially to fit me so she asked me to pay £95 for that cost (she had originally covered all wedding costs). I couldn't afford it but absolutely whacked it on the credit card because I had let her down and they were to fit me so someone replacing me would need to be the same size. I got it and didn't feel put out. My dress was from a department store yet to be altered so she got a full refund.

Another wedding was in Italy. That was easy - I just had zero pennies, even when the bride offered to pay for my flights if I covered everything else. Nope, simply couldn't afford it.

Worst one, and first hen do experience. More and more got added on to the 'cheap UK seaside weekend away'. I started doing some maths and realised it would be £250. I had paid £110 deposit (which I had struggled to afford) having been told that covered EVERYTHING. But excursions and beauticians were added and several weeks before I explained I simply didn't have the money and was really sorry. Perhaps someone else could take my place? I was on hourly pay and all other hens were salaried, so there was a noticeable wealth gap. At the actual wedding, one of the hens came up to me to ask if I got my deposit back from the bride because in the end her cousin had gone in my place. No - I never saw the £110 deposit, and wasn't about to ask at the wedding or in the weeks after. The bride and I stopped mixing socially some months after the weddding so I chalked it up to experience.