Invested my redundancy payout in a new kitchen, to be then told getting divorce and I need to leave

doubled1989

Hi

bit of a tough one for me here however we were going up and down for a while, have 2 kids together and mortgage

I am the primary owner and wife is part time and childcare mostly (which is absolutely fine), however I Got made redundant and we seemed to be going on right track, done therapy etc

paid for new kitchen on credit card and then told she wants divorce, and I am to now need to look for somewhere else to live and she wants to keep the house

i cannot cancel the kitchen as the b&q account was in her name even though it was my personal credit card, so what can I do in terms of this? they need her to email to cancel and she is refusing

also… she quite obviously cannot afford the house and is wanting me to pay for basically somewhere for me to live and the 4 bed house we own now and child maintenence

she is trying to get me to find somewhere to live at the moment

what is normal here? her wage does not even cover a mortgage we have

thanks

Exodi

Firstly I'd suggest not letting yourself get bullied in this.

(Presumably) you both own the house, so neither is more entitled to live there than the other. Typically one person leaving is for pragmatic or emotional reasons, rather than any legal requirement to do so. You would be equally within your rights to insist she leaves and finds somewhere else.

It sounds like a bit of a mess with B&Q - have you tried calling the Credit Card company to get the payment cancelled?

It seems to me that the house will inevitably need to be sold and the proceeds divided up so you can both find somewhere suitable to live and have the children (maybe a 3 bed though, a 4 bed for 3 people is just a luxury you both are unlikely to be able to each afford). Personally I'd try to avoid a situation at all costs where it's agreed she stays in the house for a prolonged period with you stuck on the mortgage (e.g. a Mesher Order). We see it far too often that even a decade on when the equity is supposed to be shared, the inhabitant is less than willing to comply. Often feeling hard done by due to house price appreciation or having ingrained in them that it's 'their house'. Simultaneously you would not be able to properly move on as you'll struggle to get another mortgage with a new partner while liable for another one.

It seems unfortunately, as is often the case, she has not appreciated that both of your standards of living will not be the same after the divorce. Perhaps evidenced by the fact you mention she thinks you should be paying both the mortgage (while not living there) and child maintenance.

Brie

Can you present her with a simple spreadsheet that shows what you can afford and that it doesn't include the kitchen? The alternative sounds like it will be both of you defaulting the mortgage and everyone being made homeless and no child support as well.

Don't let her think that as she has children she will automatically be housed by the council. Getting even the worst sort of flat is likely to take months at a minimum and in the meantime she will be in random bedsits with shared facilities with people she'd likely never want to associate with.

doubled1989

thanks both

she does not want to move or leave and has been told (I am guessing by her mum who is rather shall we say, deluded at the best of times about certain things) that she will be able to live in the house with a part time job and basically have me pay child support and she will get all the benefits under the sun and then she will be able to be fine and so will I

to the point where she is looking for a place for me to live (but obviously it HAS to be in the same area for childcare and so I can help……) that is 2.5 times more expensive then our current mortgage

she thinks a court would always side with her as she is the mother and it is best interest for child, but surely when the mortgage comes for renew then it will be impossible to get a new one?

born_again

If you are already paying for a mortgage on your current house, then the odds of getting another, unless you have a large disposable amount (after mortgage payment) are slim to non on the affordability side.

Exodi

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81910318#Comment_81910318

And I want to win the lottery, unfortunately we don't always get what we want.

It shouldn't provide any weight that her friends and family suggest she should be entitled to everything, just as I suspect your friends and family will suggest you should be entitled to everything. Unfortunately, however I appreciate it's easy for people to buy in to what people tell them.

The reality is that it's not reasonable to expect you to pay the mortgage if you are not living in the house - as you will have your own housing costs to pay. Likewise, child maintenance is a payment in consideration of a child's everyday living costs, including housing - so it's even less reasonable to expect you to pay for the housing directly and simultaneously pay full child maintenance. Even if a Mesher Order were granted (that would allow her to stay in the house, but require her to give you your equity when the children reaches adulthood - again avoid this if possible), it generally stipulates that the resident party is responsible for paying the mortgage.

Personally I'd try to avoid an informal agreement where you pay the mortgage in lieu of child maintenance, as there's no guarantee the CMS would honour this arrangement and you may wind up accidently paying both.

It's also worth reminding that she would not receive benefits to pay the mortgage.

Really it sounds like she'd like to have her cake and eat it (again and again).

I wouldn't be so confident to go to court, if I was her, there will be lots of questions that would need answering:

Would you she be able to afford a suitable property if the house were sold and the assets divided?

Is she able to earn more (e.g. work more than part time)? If not, then could she in the future?

As I said at the start, do not let them bully you into moving out. She can browse expensive rentals with her mum for you to move into all she likes.

It's not just about making sure she has a suitable place to have the children, it's also about ensuring you do too. A court would not see one parent living in a 4 bedroom house for 3 people, while simultaneously plunging the other parent into a bedsit.

Personally I don't see any real solution that doesn't involve the house being sold, but I understand that some people can become to disillusioned you can't get through to them. Frustratingly, if she spoke to a solicitor (keen for the business), they're just as likely to reassure her she's entitled to everything.

soolin

You mention the children and your partner as being their mother, but might I ask , and apologies if it is a sensitive matter, to the child you were carrying back in 2019?

Regardless of that though, I would be seeking general legal advice and as above, try and sit down and discuss the practicalities of affording so much on your income.

doubled1989

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81910477#Comment_81910477

sorry I meant, when the current mortgage come up for renewal if she lives in the house that she quite obviously cannot afford, and it would need to be renewed to a new term, what would happen then if she quite obviously cannot afford it but expects me to keep paying

doubled1989

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81910500#Comment_81910500

sorry we both used to use the account, I since changed password

doubled1989

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81910489#Comment_81910489

wow this is really great advice thanks!

another thing to note is that I have been told VERBATIM , that "if you do not give extra above child maintanence for the children, you obviously do not care about them and clearly do not care about them if you are going to make us move"

firstly, do I have to give extra? For example is CMS say give £750, then what? the mortgage alone is more then that, and she gets a wage of about 800 so not sure how she feels she can realistically pay for bills+mortgage+living on a total of 800+750(cms?)+benefits of something

this really makes 0 sense to me

I actually do care and feel they are bullying me, gaslighting me and writing things down to try and bait me into things and agreeing to things I do not want to

Brie

My parents always said take away anything that is written down for you to sign and think about it over night. If it seems right the next morning then hopefully it is. But basically anything signed under pressure is trouble.

If divorce is inevitable I would suggest that together you got and talk to someone who can be impartial about the financial future for you both.