Money Moral Dilemma: Should I approach my friend's family about the money she owes me?

orangerose1

…was it Polonious giving advice to his son ?, in Hamlet ?
As a once upon a time child,and now a parent of an adult, I can agree grown children may think their lives are no longer anything to do with their parents but now,as a parent, my child is forever part of me and I would be very ashamed and concerned and feel somehow responsible if they behaved so badly…and would pay off the person owed .

orangerose1

Ps…then I’d insist on a payment plan with you know who !

JW1952

I have been let down by friends in the past, I now consider a “loan” a gift, if I can’t afford to give it away the answer is an emphatic NO, SORRY! My personal starting point is that I assume I will not see the money again, if I do it’s a bonus!

alggomas

I would ask her to pay back an agreed monthly amount. If you insist on the full second half go over her head towards her family. Be aware you may not will not be welcome afterwards.
     It is the person you helped you should deal with. Not her family!

Magificentish

Friends are more important than money.  If you can afford to help a friend out, then give them the money, rather than loan it to them.  If they pay it back then that is a bonus. If you can't afford to, then don't.  But it's too late for that advice now by the sound of it.

It sounds like this friend "can't" pay the money back rather than "won't" and is probably embarrassed and ashamed about it.  She could have refused to pay any back if she wanted to. It would be very cruel indeed to involve her family, unless she is in real trouble and needs their help. 

"Yet as it stands, I'm losing the friendship and the money anyway." Why? If this person is a friend, then support them with whatever they are going through.  If you get your money back at some point that is wonderful, but why lose both? It's sad how many people will throw away relationships, friendships, marriages and more for a little money.  Unfortunately, that's what it sounds like here - no concern for the "friend", just your money.  

squirrel59

bikaga said:

"She has family she could borrow from to pay me the rest, but she won't ask them." is making me wonder, would she not have asked them in the first place? She obviously doesn't want them involved, or has already asked them for money before.

Anyway: I would invite her over, sit her down with a cup of tea or coffee and just lay it all out on the table. People are crap talking about these things, and it's easy to be evasive or wave someone off on the phone or via text or email. But it's harder if you're in the room together.

So ask her over or meet for a coffee somewhere neutral. Tell her that you value the friendship and were happy to help her out, and that you now want her to commit to paying you back - in one or via a plan. Tell her that you were disappointed when she fobbed you off.

Her reaction will tell her whether she was just flustered and uncomfortable or if she's using you, in which case, the parents are fair game, especially if you know them.

Good advice.

primrose_penguin

I find it strange that when you asked her to pay the loan at the agreed date she said she didn't have the money, yet then paid you half of it back, so where did she get it from if she supposedly didn't have it? I think you must realise the friendship is over because of her behaviour, she should never have asked you for the money if she was not going to repay it, and not being in contact looks like she is hoping you will forget about it. I would go and see her and tell her you want the balance paid back straight away otherwise you will have no alternative but to go to the small claims court, and I would also put it in writing so she understands you are serious, and keep a copy of the letter. Hopefully that will give her the jolt she needs to repay you. I personally would not go to her family as the problem is hers, unless you know them well. Good luck.

Lowry1986

This is a private arrangement between you and your friend, I don't think her family should become involved.
From what you say about your friend becoming angry it seems the friendship is still relevant. Also in paying you half there is willingness to settle with you.
I suggest you contact your friend to suggest you both discuss how she might be able to settle her debt. If she makes that impossible then you have indeed lost your friend and you  might as well take a tougher stance.
Unfortunately it is an unsecured loan and you may have write it off short if taking further advice.

Jemma01

I would ask her directly again, when you did, somehow she had half already! She could pay you in small installments, and that's the conversation you need to have. Find out how much she can pay today, and how much in the next months as direct debit so you don't have to keep asking.

If she chooses to let go of the friendship entirely, that's on her. Doesn't mean you don't ask and keep asking. 

You already have a proof she borrowed the money if she transferred some money back and it was digitally recorded, I hope your money was digitally transferred too. 

solentsusie

Never lend anything that you cannot afford to lose.  Maybe not useful in this instance but this is my stance on lending anything to friends.