Money Moral Dilemma: Should I approach my friend's family about the money she owes me?

soniasimmo

My Daughter has had this problem.  It wasn't an awful lot of money in the grand scheme of things but it was a lot to my Daughter.  She lent a friend of 15 years money to buy a new washing machine as she felt for them having a new baby and broken machine.  The friend eventually paid HER half of the money but said that her partner had to pay HIS half.  Well given the fact that she took all his benefit money and left him very little that wasn't going to happen!  After many months of my Daughter trying to get repaid and getting very upset at the situation I got in touch with the couple and said that as they had the money for a family purchase that as a couple they should pay up collectively and sort it out between themselves.  Well they turned very nasty and said some very nasty and hurtful things to my Daughter.  Friendship broken.

ukjack

This is not a new problem: "Hamlet," who advised, “Neither a borrower nor a lender be, for loan oft loses both itself and friend "

However clearly it often works so difficult.

But as others have said the friendship is now damaged as you know that you are being abused. So just do what you can to get the money back. Then, probably, block them. 

Groom

It depends how much is involved, how old she is and what her situation is - for instance is she working, does she go out to restuarants etc. It also depends how much you value her friendship. It's nothing to do with her family, but perhaps the threat of you saying you will ask them, may spur her into paying. Ask her to set up a Direct Debit into your bank every month. 

bikaga

"She has family she could borrow from to pay me the rest, but she won't ask them." is making me wonder, would she not have asked them in the first place? She obviously doesn't want them involved, or has already asked them for money before.

Anyway: I would invite her over, sit her down with a cup of tea or coffee and just lay it all out on the table. People are crap talking about these things, and it's easy to be evasive or wave someone off on the phone or via text or email. But it's harder if you're in the room together.

So ask her over or meet for a coffee somewhere neutral. Tell her that you value the friendship and were happy to help her out, and that you now want her to commit to paying you back - in one or via a plan. Tell her that you were disappointed when she fobbed you off.

Her reaction will tell her whether she was just flustered and uncomfortable or if she's using you, in which case, the parents are fair game, especially if you know them.

kathill55

Nothing to do with the family, do a small claims court or write off the loan.

Erica51

She's avoiding you and you've lost her as a friend until this is sorted out.  Get in touch, tell her you are upset that the situation is destroying your friendship and ask her to suggest a repayment plan.  If she won't negotiate with you sue her through the small claims court.  You've lost her friendship anyway.

PostHoc25

You said 'significant sum' and I'm wondering how that fits into your own financial situation. If it impacts your own financial wellbeing because you could afford it based on her paying you back by a certain date, I'd start from there. Maybe a handwritten letter explaining you don't want to feel like a bailiff and you don't want her to feel like a debtor but your own situation is difficult now because you had made plans based on your own needs and the date she could return funds.

Explain you are worried she may be facing difficulties she hasn't opened up about and suggest a sit down with you, her and a counsellor at citizen's advice, or with you, her and her family so you can agree on a plan moving forward. I'd include a deadline of a week or two for her to get in contact before you feel you have no choice but to contact her family (not for the money, only to discuss her wellbeing) as you are worried and don't understand why she has gone back on her original agreement. Mention how upset she seemed last time you asked for the repayment and that it shocked you somewhat, given how long you have been friends. Invite her to write a letter back if she doesn't feel up to phoning - you could even include a stamped addressed envelope!

It may be enough to nudge her into contacting you at least and get an idea of where she is at.

If, however you can afford not to have her pay you back, then sadly you may have to walk away from the friendship - never easy if it is a long-term and close one - which I guess it was.

Pollycat

Nothing to do with your friend's family.

19lottie82

kathill55 said:

Nothing to do with the family, do a small claims court or write off the loan.

This. And only this. Contacting her family is just poor behaviour, not to mention embarrassing.  

Rocketdogroya

questions:
How old she is? the family of a 60y old will have less impact than a 20y olds family.
How close with her family she is? Does she talk to her mum every day or once a month? everyday and the family may already be aware she has a financial issue just maybe not the details.
How independent is she? Some adults of 40+ still get bailed out by the bank of M+D on a very regular basis.
What is the family dynamic and situation? is there is an obvious matriarch/patriarch? Are they all well off and settled or may they be in financial woes too?
I am close to my family but very independent. if I asked they would help, if someone else 'told' on me 'pack mentality' would happen. 
I agree it has nothing to do with her family to honour the debt but depending on the situation may depend if they can help coerce her.