Partner doesn't want to replace double glazing

mark_cycling00

What more can I say. It's all in the title...

Savvy_Sue

I'd advise him to talk to her about how he feels. I may be wrong, but I think sometimes men are less likely to say how they feel about these things, whereas (in general) women are happy to let it all out ... 

So, you know how she feels, but if she doesn't know how you feel, it's not an equal playing field. 

You may need to talk together with a counsellor about things too. Both sets of feelings matter: neither trumps the other. Maybe you can be reassured, maybe she can accept what you feel without becoming resentful. 

Emmia

I think fundamentally you can only resolve this by talking to her, honestly about what you both want - it might be you will need some counselling/ professional guidance for this.

Whilst you're doing this, you may want to consider what contraception you're using.  I know of one lady who really wanted another child, and stopped taking the pill without telling her then husband... For one of them there was a "happy accident", but I'm not sure her now ex felt the same way.

Ultimately what this probably boils down to is how much of an uncrossable red line a second child is for you and how much a second means to her - it's probably a bit of a binary issue.

Is it something either of you would end the relationship over?

HampshireH

I really feel for the person involved. It sounds like everyone was on the same page when they committed to each other and now one is changing the pages on the story.

That's a really hard place to be and also very unfair.

Personally I think it's a bit selfish to have children mid fifties and beyond potentially being an 75+ year old dad to teenagers/young adults who may become a premature young carer (which could have been foreseen and avoided) or sadly are left with 1 parent through age related illness/death (as opposed to the unknown in life). But that's my opinion based on experience having known people in that situation. Their kids grew up very fast, took on roles they really shouldn't have been expected to take on at their age, instead of living their life and continuing their training for the career they wanted.

I can understand why a 30 something may want more children but at the same time they knew their situation when they committed.

Sadly unless an agreement can be reached this may be a relationship which doesn't last.

mr_stripey

in my experience this could be a deal breaker. When one partner wants a(nother) child and the other doesn't then it's not the sort of thing that is easliy resolved.

My own ex wife decided she'd like another baby after we had agreed two was enough. It wasn't the sole reason for my marriage break up but it was certainly a big contributory factor. But having another child was a red line for me. 

You need to sit down and talk to each other and try to resolve but if you are both still at complete loggerheads on this then it's hard to see how it can be resolved - either you have another baby which you don't want or she accepts no more babies and spends the next few years feeling resentful.

I'm your age and my kids are still relatively young compared to most people of my age and I would definately not want another one!

KxMx

I find myself dealing with a very unwell parent at 38 (she is 68). Honestly it's devastating to be going through something I thought I had another 20/30 years before facing. Our roles have reversed and I no longer have a supportive parent rather I am having to be their support. I am single and childless myself so I don't have a family to support me in turn.

I have friends in their 50's going through the same now with parents in their 90's, it feels very unfair.

You never can predict whether a parent will be fit & well into their 90's, or go into ill health and dependency prematurely, but stacking the deck by becoming a parent late in life is a heck of a gamble. 

Exodi

Having children is always hard to resolve between partners with differing views, because there is very little compromise - you can't have half a child.

That's why I think these sorts of things should be discussed at the outset. If she has suddenly changed her mind and wants another after the first as they both originally agreed, as the OP suggests, then it is her that has changed the deal.

Nonetheless, however it ends up, someone will end up feeling like they lost (unless either you can successfully convince her having another child is not a good idea or she can you convince you of the latter).

You mentioned depressing financial changes - is that to suggest that one child has caused at least minor financial difficulty. I think it's totally fair to debate the point that it wouldn't be fair to bring another child up where you will be a pensioner before they are a teenager and where it will potentially cause financial hardship.

I've only ever dated people around my age, but I guess this is one of the cons of dating someone several decades younger than you. As she's late thirties I'd expect you don't have years to go back and forth on it, her clocks ticking, as they say.

You also mention loneliness which is quite sad - maybe there value in working on your relationship to bring you back closer together regardless of the outcome. Of course when children are brought in, all the focus can be on the child, but you should always try to make time for your partner, no matter how hard.

It is unfortunate you've explicitly stated you expect her to be resentful if you don't comply... I guess you should think about your position with an open-mind too. It might be considered disingenuous to argue age is the main issue for you, when you were happy to have a child only 3 years earlier.

strawb_shortcake

I'm 42 and I can't think of anything worse than having another child at my age, but my youngest is now 16. 
If the only child is now 3, it's a completely different situation to mine and not a second family. Is working to 70 still on the cards with 1 child or is the second child the tipping point. 

If they do go ahead with another child, perhaps the wife being younger needs to step up work wise in 10 years time and let the Husband slow down a bit when the children are a little less demanding than toddlers. But at late 30's her fertility will have dropped further so may not even be possible 

RAS

A certain amount depends on what being 50 means for you? Healthy, capable of extended exercise, physically strong with no health issues? Or overweight, stressed, experiencing some issues like prediabetes, high blood pressure or cholesterol? Looking forward to another 15 years in your current role, or desperate to reduce the work load? Financially stable, nearing end of mortgage with a good pension. Or trying to juggle the finances so you can hope to pay off the mortgage and have some sort of pension by 67? Spouse can work at least enough hours to bring in an income that approaches the tax allowance, or keen to be SAHM?

Someone fit and strong decided he wanted children when he was fifty. Number two followed swiftly, although not planned by either parent.  It required a lot of organisation and their mother went back to work when they were quite young, whilst his job was adjusted to ensure after-school care. They were like ships in the night for some years.

He developed major health problems in his mid-sixties so has gone from being a very active involved dad to someone requiring care from his young teens. He'll never work again and the family income has reduced drastically. It's unclear how long the family can practically support his continued residence at home. His finances were a mess and there's little state pension. I'm concerned for the children now and in the future.

Their mother provides as good a life for him as possible but the kids resent the impact his ill-health has on their lives, directly from being carers and how it limits their relationship with their mother. It also makes it very difficult for them to have friends to visit, which scuppers the usual reciprocity of teen relationships.

BrilliantButScary

What strikes me most from your post is that you describe yourself as 'lonely and depressed', is this since becoming a father? Did you know there is such a thing as Male Postnatal Depression?

https://www.unitypoint.org/news-and-articles/male-postpartum-depression--unitypoint-health

Like a previous poster, my parents were older, and my Dad (65) died when I was 22 and my Mum (73) died when I was 36. They had an age gap relationship of 8 years. I also have a sister 2 years younger. Again, as a previous poster said, my Mum was widowed at 57, and I was to some extent parentified, taking on responsibilities that I shouldn't have had to.

I too, am in an age gap relationship and what I would say is, that it takes communication and planning for how you are going to deal with life events. I retrained  and continued to work for 10 years after my partner had retired. We bridged one gap to get him to SPA and we are now bridging the second, to get me there. Having an 'age gap' is not a 'surprise' in a relationship, both parties are aware at the start and it needs to be managed accordingly.

I think so many couples end up being part of the 'sandwich' generation:

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2024/oct/13/guilt-worry-resentment-its-all-part-of-the-sandwich-generation

I would suggest you explore individual/couples counselling:

https://www.relate.org.uk/

Counselling may also be available through your employer or professional organisation.

Spendless

I found my 2nd child more than double the work of having just one and she was a doddle compared to the eldest. Her arrival came as  my husband started  having to work away midweek, sonething he still does and the baby is now early 20s. My extended family lived nearby but still no help as they were working, had ill health or other commitments.

You need to talk it all through including if moving abroad to where family lives is possible. Is the financial responsibility all on you? What are retirement plans for you?

Of the 2 age gap couples I know, 1 insisted on one child only, concerned if he left his wife a widow before their child was an adult it would be easier if there was only 1 child. His fears happened and he died when their daughter was in her early teens. He had ensured his widow was well provided for.

The other age gap couple had 2 kids 10 years apart (not planned, their eldest was very ill in childhood so didnt go in for another initially). That worked well. Retired Dad did the school runs, was home for the hols, involved himself in school commitments. Mum worked and fetched a wage in. 

What do you both see a life like in 5, 10, 15 years time if you have another child and same if you dont.