Partner doesn't want to replace double glazing

mark_cycling00

Thank you for all your thoughtful and insightful replies. I wondered if I would get any at all!

Just finished from a day in office, baby duties and cleaning up so just getting time to reply.

A good point: "is age the main reason when I was ok to have a child 3 years ago".
Partly. I had sperm quality checks beforehand plus a DNA test, aware of the risks of being an older father. I saved up money and we had a financial plan that saw me work till 67 and use the savings for the last few years until child was 21.The plan worked for one child. 
But the effort involved and my decline in health is much worse than I expected. I really look a lot older. I was desperately looking forward to things easing up a bit when school started, but I might really burn out having another baby.

My partner's health is "unpredictable" and difficult to talk about. 
Our income has always been unbalanced with me bringing in about 70%

If anything happened to me then we'd scrape by for a few years then need to sell house 

I'm wondering about a few other things now that I won't write down yet. Not good things.
The counselling route is probably a good idea if I can convince her to go it. 

Many thanks 

HampshireH

You're not in any rush to make a decision. Take your time think about all of it. Talk about all of it. Counselling is a great suggestion by others. Do you think your partner would be receptive? 

Savvy_Sue

Even if your wife won't come with you, talking it all through with a neutral 3rd party might be very helpful.

It's tough, because I am sure that if DH hadn't wanted more than one child, I'd have been desperately unhappy for a while, but if his health had been one of the reasons against it, I wouldn't have wanted to force the issue. Actually when we married, I wasn't going to have any ...

Emmia

mark_cycling00 said:

Thank you for all your thoughtful and insightful replies. I wondered if I would get any at all!

Just finished from a day in office, baby duties and cleaning up so just getting time to reply.

A good point: "is age the main reason when I was ok to have a child 3 years ago".
Partly. I had sperm quality checks beforehand plus a DNA test, aware of the risks of being an older father. I saved up money and we had a financial plan that saw me work till 67 and use the savings for the last few years until child was 21.The plan worked for one child. 
But the effort involved and my decline in health is much worse than I expected. I really look a lot older. I was desperately looking forward to things easing up a bit when school started, but I might really burn out having another baby.

My partner's health is "unpredictable" and difficult to talk about. 
Our income has always been unbalanced with me bringing in about 70%

If anything happened to me then we'd scrape by for a few years then need to sell house 

I'm wondering about a few other things now that I won't write down yet. Not good things.
The counselling route is probably a good idea if I can convince her to go it. 

Many thanks 

I wonder if your partner would be as keen if she had to become the main income earner? I think the costs /economics of children look different if you're the one paying for it - being a parent isn't easy, but neither is flogging yourself at work for more years than intended. Would she also be seeking to become a stay at home parent, if child 2 came along?

If your partners health is "unpredictable" and you've also had a worsening since child 1 I think this is a key argument against another. Additionally as you both get older, the risk of having a child with disabilities or other issues increases... And whilst I'm sure the child would be loved if that was the situation, it would also place additional stress on both of you.

I'd suggest that counselling would be beneficial both alone (to help you unpack things in a safe space) and/or with your partner - particularly as you hint at other "concerns".

Best of luck.

silvercar

I can see it both ways, the thought of a new baby ultimately becoming a young carer is in part negated by the fact that the current 3 year old could find themselves in that situation and for the 3 year old, being able to share that burden would be an advantage. Though I accept that no one brings a child into the world to be their carer.

BungalowBel

I have a friend who is in a similar situation to yourself.  He married a woman younger than himself a few years ago.  He already had two grown-up children from his first marriage, and she had a ten-year-old child from hers. (He is now about 50, she is around 40).

They now have a toddler between them and both parents are delighted!

However, what suits one couple may not suit another and what I see in your case is,  one of you will have to acquiesce to the other.  This isn't something you can compromise on , as far as I can see.

I personally think that the one who doesn't want another child should be the one to go with, as all children should be planned and wanted.  Maybe your partner could find fulfilment in other ways (childminding, volunteering at playgroup etc).

This is solely my opinion, others may differ.

HillStreetBlues

It sounds like your partner likes to do "baby" stuff so wants to replicate with another one. The issue is that it doesn't last very long, so even if you do have another one you risk being back to square one.

BrilliantButScary

Some more things to consider:
Were both you and your partner happy as only children?

Don't assume that if you have another child, they will get on with each other. In response to a previous poster, in my experience care responsibilities often fall to one child in a family, and that child is often female.

What expectations are there from both your parents, and your partner's parents, in regard to support they may need in the future. I presume your parents are well into their seventies and your partner's in their sixties.

You both also need to consider how either of you would cope as single parents, caused by illness, death (either yours or your partner's) or separation, both now, with one child and potentially with two.

sheramber

silvercar said:

I can see it both ways, the thought of a new baby ultimately becoming a young carer is in part negated by the fact that the current 3 year old could find themselves in that situation and for the 3 year old, being able to share that burden would be an advantage. Though I accept that no one brings a child into the world to be their carer.

I have two sons . One lives nesr me  but the other lives and works abroad. 

Not all children live  close to their parents.

mark_cycling00

I agree that there are much higher risks to babys health, mental conditions, premature birth and miscarriage. And we won't get much sympathy if that happens. 

My parents are well into their 80s and not doing that great. They probably feel isolated. I will need to talk about care plans quickly so I know what to expect over the next 5 years which might help in the discussions about children. I already feel really bad for not being able to visit them.

Due to not knowing many people here it's hard to compare our situation with other couples. We might be doing great or we might be a slow car crash. 

I will try and talk to people at work about things.

Thanks