Partner doesn't want to replace double glazing

Sapindus

silvercar said:

I can see it both ways, the thought of a new baby ultimately becoming a young carer is in part negated by the fact that the current 3 year old could find themselves in that situation and for the 3 year old, being able to share that burden would be an advantage. Though I accept that no one brings a child into the world to be their carer.

I was going to say something along these lines - in my own experience we had a large age gap between kids and weren't really thinking about another but I started to worry about my son being left as an only when we were elderly.  Not having a child deliberately to act as a carer as such, but as someone to share the general burden of "childing", someone to complain to about what a pain the aged parents were...  Of course you can never guarantee that any child will care or get on with their sibling or even stay in the same country, but at least the option would be there.

Emmia

mark_cycling00 said:

I agree that there are much higher risks to babys health, mental conditions, premature birth and miscarriage. And we won't get much sympathy if that happens. 

My parents are well into their 80s and not doing that great. They probably feel isolated. I will need to talk about care plans quickly so I know what to expect over the next 5 years which might help in the discussions about children. I already feel really bad for not being able to visit them.

Due to not knowing many people here it's hard to compare our situation with other couples. We might be doing great or we might be a slow car crash. 

I will try and talk to people at work about things.

Thanks 

On these sensitive, personal issues I'd really recommend not having discussions with your colleagues generally - if you want to talk, I'd go to a counsellor by yourself.

"Other couples" aren't you and your partner, and the resolution lies within you and your partner and whatever uncrossable red lines each of you have.

If your other half really wants another child, and you really don't, the solution is probably splitting to let her go off to find someone to have that second child with - a solution with it's own challenges.

mark_cycling00

I think you're probably right. I often get threatened with divorce when it comes to major decisions like this and that's not really the way to run a relationship or bring another child into the world.

RAS

Hmm... That is not a healthy environment for you, your young child or any future child. 

Any chance you can record any of these conversation?

And book a vasectomy?

Emmia

mark_cycling00 said:

I think you're probably right. I often get threatened with divorce when it comes to major decisions like this and that's not really the way to run a relationship or bring another child into the world.

Divorce has its own costs and risks to your savings, pensions...

But if you're being threatened with divorce if you don't do what your wife wants in other areas, then that puts quite a different spin on things. I wouldn't want to bring another child into that situation.

In your position I'd go and talk to a divorce lawyer to explore your options - even if you decide not to actually go through with it.

Also Wikivorce is well regarded for divorce advice.

HampshireH

mark_cycling00 said:

I think you're probably right. I often get threatened with divorce when it comes to major decisions like this and that's not really the way to run a relationship or bring another child into the world.

That's awful. And a very immature approach. I hope you get some thinking space 

BrilliantButScary

Useful information:
https://www.verywellmind.com/threatening-divorce-during-an-argument-4088210

HedgehogRulez

Why doesn’t she seek another man to have the baby with if you’re unwilling?

elsien

New to this thread to wondering, Double glazing is not what the original question was about! 

Emmia

elsien said:

New to this thread to wondering, Double glazing is not what the original question was about! 

The title change is especially odd, given the OP has put a long post in about the situation as a reply (which I've already quoted), but is below.

mark_cycling00 said:

Thank you for all your thoughtful and insightful replies. I wondered if I would get any at all!

Just finished from a day in office, baby duties and cleaning up so just getting time to reply.

A good point: "is age the main reason when I was ok to have a child 3 years ago".
Partly. I had sperm quality checks beforehand plus a DNA test, aware of the risks of being an older father. I saved up money and we had a financial plan that saw me work till 67 and use the savings for the last few years until child was 21.The plan worked for one child. 
But the effort involved and my decline in health is much worse than I expected. I really look a lot older. I was desperately looking forward to things easing up a bit when school started, but I might really burn out having another baby.

My partner's health is "unpredictable" and difficult to talk about. 
Our income has always been unbalanced with me bringing in about 70%

If anything happened to me then we'd scrape by for a few years then need to sell house 

I'm wondering about a few other things now that I won't write down yet. Not good things.
The counselling route is probably a good idea if I can convince her to go it. 

Many thanks