Money Moral Dilemma: How do I convince my fiancé to pay a greater share of our bills?

kimwp

Mark_d said:

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My fiancé of 20 years and I constantly argue about money. We've a child aged 16 together and I have two grown-up children from a previous relationship. We split our bills half and half, yet his income is 10 times higher than mine, and I buy almost everything for our son. I've not much money left over to save, whereas my fiancé saves £100s a month. I understand a good way for couples to pay shared bills is pro rata to their income. How do I convince my fiancé that this is how we should do it?

"I understand a good way for couples to pay shared bills is pro rata to their income. How do I convince my fiancé that this is how we should do it?"

Sharing bills pro rata is only "good" for the lower earner.  I'm not convinced it is in the best interest of the couple.

My partner and I have been together over 20 years now.  I currently earn 20% more than my partner but in the past I was earning 50% more.

We are equal in our relationship and split all bills/agreed expenses half and half.  So we basically live the lifestyle of the lower earner.

As I earn more I can save more.  I can also use my extra wealth to treat my partner buy paying for upgrades - so for example we split the cost equally for a room at the hotel and then I pay the difference to upgrade us to a suite.

So you control the extra money? Who has access/makes decisions to how this extra 20% is kept/spent?

savergrant

kimwp said:

Mark_d said:

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My fiancé of 20 years and I constantly argue about money. We've a child aged 16 together and I have two grown-up children from a previous relationship. We split our bills half and half, yet his income is 10 times higher than mine, and I buy almost everything for our son. I've not much money left over to save, whereas my fiancé saves £100s a month. I understand a good way for couples to pay shared bills is pro rata to their income. How do I convince my fiancé that this is how we should do it?

"I understand a good way for couples to pay shared bills is pro rata to their income. How do I convince my fiancé that this is how we should do it?"

Sharing bills pro rata is only "good" for the lower earner.  I'm not convinced it is in the best interest of the couple.

My partner and I have been together over 20 years now.  I currently earn 20% more than my partner but in the past I was earning 50% more.

We are equal in our relationship and split all bills/agreed expenses half and half.  So we basically live the lifestyle of the lower earner.

As I earn more I can save more.  I can also use my extra wealth to treat my partner buy paying for upgrades - so for example we split the cost equally for a room at the hotel and then I pay the difference to upgrade us to a suite.

So you control the extra money? Who has access/makes decisions to how this extra 20% is kept/spent?

I can understand the logic for an unmarried couple, each has their separate finances. When planning to spend money they split the cost 50:50 and agree something which is affordable to the lower earner. The higher earner can then choose to 'treat' the lower earner by putting in extra. The two people are enjoying each other's company but each have their own finances, and if one of them decides to end the relationship there would be less of a financial impact or ill-feeling. It's a bit different to agreeing to marry someone and share everything you own, only to keep putting off the big day while maintaining your own financial independence and leaving your fiancé struggling.

Blue_Butterfly

The OP's complaint is that she can save very little whilst her fiance saves a lot. I wonder if the OP's 2 older children from a previous relationship are a factor in this. The imbalance in the saving and not forming a legal partnership may be the fiance trying to ensure that as much as possible of the wealth from their partnership goes to their son, rather than her other children if he died first. 

ZeroSum

savergrant said:

ZeroSum said:

Size9Wellies said:

I earn much more than my wife, but we've always shared our bills equally, and have done since the day we started living together. We also have a joint savings account for a rainy day, which basically is for when one of us pops it, so it never gets raided. I contribute 3 times as much as my wife, each month, after which we are both left with a similar small amount of disposable income, which we are free to spend as we wish, without needing any permission to do so, or having to explain what it went on. If I go first, my wife will be financially secure, and I won't care about any disparity in contributions to the account (I don't anyway). If she goes first, I get my money back plus hers, although I would much rather keep my wife. This policy has meant financially we have been pretty frictionless since getting married 24 years ago. I don't consider my bigger salary as anything but a bonus for both of us, and I also can't think why anyone would want to keep their partner financially suppressed.

But it sounds like that's exactly what youre doing since you make her go 50/50 on the bills despite earning for more. The savings are irrelevant since they aren't to be touched until one pops it.

If you re-read the post wellies said they contribute three times as much as oh to their shared expenses and wellies and oh then have the same amount of disposable money, which is exactly the opposite. And the personal savings are their future security.
In op's case the only security is that she has some income and would possibly be able to reduce living costs if the relationship ended one way or another. Presumably her son would be the beneficiary if the fiance died before the wedding?

And if you re-read my post you'll see I addressed the savings bit. Seems to me he's keeping them both down by insisting most of his contribution is to be stashed rather than allowing his OH some enjoyment.

Haesel

You really need to speak to a solicitor for advice.

sheramber

I donlt think the poster wants legal; advice or to leave her partner.

She just wants him to pay a bigger share of the household expenses.

savergrant

sheramber said:

I donlt think the poster wants legal; advice or to leave her partner.

She just wants him to pay a bigger share of the household expenses.

I doubt the correspondent has read any of this thread, as the original post was quoting a message received by mse.
However it seems that the fiance is happy with the relationship as it is, the only chance of anything changing is pressure from the family or it affecting his relationship with his son.

enthusiasticsaver

If you are constantly arguing and have been together 20 years with a son then I am not sure this man will listen to any argument. 

Of course he should pay a bigger proportion given he earns so much more than you.  You probably sacrificed earning power to bring up your son and you say you pay for everything. Men who are mean with money rarely listen to logic though. 

EmsLee

I agree with almost all of the comments and advice. Why in 20years have you neither married or had any tangible commitment or security? This is financial abuse and it doesn’t bode well for you or your son’s future. You need to get some professional advice ( Citizen’s Advice is brilliant and no cost involved). When you’re armed with some solid advice as to any rights you may have or what would be the best  or worse scenario, speak in a calm way and make sure he listens. It sounds to me if you are trapped in a situation that you’re scared to address,but he’s a financial  and self absorbed bully. As you are not married you are not entitled to any of his money/ pensions or assets, unless he has made a will and you and your son( his son too!) are the beneficiaries. You both need full disclosure of your financial status as he seems very secretive about his income and squirrelling money away. Take it from someone who knows.

DGG67

If he needs to be “persuaded” to treat you fairly then you are in a relationship with the wrong person. 

I suggest caution because after all the time you’ve been together, he may not take it at all well for you to bring it up now.