Money Moral Dilemma: How do I convince my fiancé to pay a greater share of our bills?

Grouchiest

For goodness sake your partner ( no one has a fiancé of 20 years doh).  Is clearly exercising control over you through financial abuse.  Start putting all your money into your own account. Pay nothing for anything and force his hand.  You’ll either get thrown out of the house, starve or come to an understanding about what’s fair.

this assumes off course that his 10 times earnings are not the result of him working FT and you electing to work rarely or very short hours.

bikaga

If you can cover most of your son's costs and 50% of the bills and your fiance manages to save hundreds only from making 10 times as much as you, then either your bills are very, very, VERY low, and your son doesn't need anything, or he's spending a lot of money on something he's not telling you about.

Girlpurple

Hi, you have been together long enough that your partner needs to step up and realise that although he hasn’t committed to marriage, he does need to contribute more. Maybe he’s squirrelling as much money as he can as a security blanket in case theirs a breakdown in the relationship in the future, or there’s a lack of trust issue. Either way it doesn’t bode well if he can’t see that he’s being unreasonable, as he’s not contributing towards his son’s upbringing and ultimately he’s not looking after your wellbeing either. I definitely think a conversation needs to be had, but give him the benefit of the doubt to start with and try and find out why he doesn’t want to help with your son and how you’re struggling.

jaz4

So as it stands is the house in joint names. If not and it's his like his pension and savings are his. Getting married or civil ceronmony puts it all in one pot and your entitled to halve and he is of yours. If he passes you won't automatically get his estate but your child or his beneficiaries can't evict you but you will not own it.

I'm old fashioned and one pot for both of us right from day 1. Joint everything and wills and married.
 It's a team. 

I think a list of all spends is needed and then approach the issue.
You need a fund and a pension as well. Bet his us good and you will loose it if he needs nursing home.
Very complex stuff.

Sharing also limits tax why you have barely nothing he gets 40 tax better to split and halve tax liability. 
More complex stuff.
Maybe he does not trust or want to fully commit if so you need a get out fund. 



 

KenWDen

There are other issues, ten times is a huge ratio, are you perhaps part time? Who does the chores? If for instance you are part-time and he does all the chores, then you have an easier life than he does! Your shared child is16, so not really looking after baby. How will the house be split should you part 50:50. If you want him to pay 90% you may have to change this, why should he pay work full-time pay 90%, do all the chores, with you workng part time an easy life get 50% of the house? Negotiation is required, knowing all the facts!

fabulous_at_any_age

Seems a bit late in the day if you've not already sorted it. My observation of some men is that they never grow up or want to take responsibility. If he's like that he won't want to change. If he is more responsible he probably would already be paying his way. I think he is probably just living off you and happy to do so. Therefore if you don't like it ditch him otherwise get used to being used. You already have said you argue about money so it's nothing new.
Sorry that you are in such a relationship but maybe he has other qualities that make him worth it. 

Thinktwice73

I'm also curious what your arguments are about.
Of course he should absolutely be paying a greater proportionate amount of all bills.
I'm amazed that you need to ask.
You do need to get some money behind you. Being unmarried after all this time with a child together, you'd be entitled to very little should you split up, particularly if your son is close to or over the age of child maintenance.

Southendormargate

So by your logic you should pay 10p for a loaf of bread but he should pay £1 because he has ten times more money than you.

ripongrammargirl

You need a grown up discussion with a grown up and he doesn’t seem like one, unfortunately. This sounds like financial control to me and why is he not putting money towards HIS and your son? Thats just incredible that it’s gone for 16 years of your son’s life and he has not contributed to anything? What kind of relationship is this? There are a few scenarios in my mind: 
he is just greedy and spoilt and determined all his money should be his, whilst yours is his as well;
he actually doesn’t have the money he claims he does (seen any bank statements, wage slips etc?);
and the worst scenario- he has a second family and a wife, hence reason you are not married.
None of these scenarios bode well and it’s time you had this discussion properly, get things down in writing (especially if he refuses to marry you- why???), get a will made and, if any of this fails, I would say it’s time to move on away from this greedy, self centred man taking your son with you as the dad obviously doesn’t care either way.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but sometimes (esp if you are asking strangers for advice) you have to be told the truth about a situation seen through the eyes/experiences of others as I was also in a financially coercive relationship just like yours for 4 years but stupidly hung on until he abandoned me at my parents house 400 miles away telling me it was over (via letter through the post!) and to be gone, when he got back from his holiday, from the home we had made together, all with my money and hard work in the house (and doing 3 jobs too) whilst he ran around having expensive 2 week exotic holidays climbing mountains etc, leaving me in hospital alone with severe leg injuries after a work accident. 

In the words of The Clash “Should I stay or should I go?”
I think you know the answer deep down. Good luck, but don’t hope he will change as he has spent 20 years of your life taking the mick out of your (one sided) relationship, and I know that is soul destroying. 

Erica51

He's not your fiance: he's a parasite.  Give him an ultimatum: either he pays a fairer share or you dump him.