Money Moral Dilemma: How do I convince my fiancé to pay a greater share of our bills?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My fiancé of 20 years and I constantly argue about money. We've a child aged 16 together and I have two grown-up children from a previous relationship. We split our bills half and half, yet his income is 10 times higher than mine, and I buy almost everything for our son. I've not much money left over to save, whereas my fiancé saves £100s a month. I understand a good way for couples to pay shared bills is pro rata to their income. How do I convince my fiancé that this is how we should do it?

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.
Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.
View past Money Moral Dilemmas.

Savvy_Sue

I have no idea, but I wouldn't be marrying anyone with whom I wasn't basically comfortable about money matters. Are you? 

NBLondon

Savvy_Sue said:

I have no idea, but I wouldn't be marrying anyone with whom I wasn't basically comfortable about money matters. Are you? 

If they've been engaged for 20 years - can't see them actually marrying unless there's a sudden legal need.

If the income disparity has been there for all/most if that time - has it not been discussed before?  If the poster has been paying for everything for their son for 16 years - has that not been discussed before?  If the higher-paid partner hasn't noticed the issue - the only thing that might wake them up is a threat to split.

Hoenir

Does your fiance have a money problem that he hasn't told you about ? 

elsien

Does your fiance think it is fair that you have no disposable income while he has a lot?
When you argue about money, what exactly are you arguing about?
Do you own a house together, is it just in one person’s name, or are you renting? Is  any mortgage split equally.

There isn’t a one size fits all answer, but this possibly too many unanswered questions for anyone to give more than a general view.

Mine is this needs honest communication rather than arguing, and perhaps you both need to find a way to do that and take the heat out of it. 

Either he is a tight git  or he genuinely feels hard done by. Perhaps he feels he works harder than you for example, and deserves more leisure time or whatever he spends it on. Perhaps he doesn’t see what you do in the house as being work.

One way to approach it might be to think about what would happen if you did split up, and he would be left with what, and see if he thinks that is fair after all your time together? 

kimwp

Ask him if he's happy that you have less than him and why. He definitely should be paying his fair share of your son's needs.

Emmia

OT but given they're not married, hopefully wills are in place should the worst happen.

kathill55

That’s so unfair! A man that age should know better.

Ed264

Has a joint bank account been considered? If you had one, jointly you'd both be saving hundreds each month.

Dizzycap

NBLondon said:

Savvy_Sue said:

I have no idea, but I wouldn't be marrying anyone with whom I wasn't basically comfortable about money matters. Are you? 

If they've been engaged for 20 years - can't see them actually marrying unless there's a sudden legal need.

If the income disparity has been there for all/most if that time - has it not been discussed before?  If the poster has been paying for everything for their son for 16 years - has that not been discussed before?  If the higher-paid partner hasn't noticed the issue - the only thing that might wake them up is a threat to split.

Whilst I do agree with you to a degree NBLondon , elsien has equally raised some good points reguarding unanswered questions & being mature enough to sit down as a couple and discuss the financial issues at hand. Maybe an each take their turn at talking approach while the other respectfully listens to the concerns aired rather than replying on their own already formed opinions? And preferable on neutral ground outside of the house/home where distractions can play a large part, but somewhere private:-)

Wishing you well OP and hope that your dilema can be resolved amicably:-)

Marcon

A fiance of 20 years standing...really? Maybe it's time to get married and ensure you include the bit in the vows about all my assets with thee endow....