Money Moral Dilemma: Should I stop lending money to my daughter?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

 Of my four adult kids, three handle money well. But the youngest's money disappears at a startling rate. In the past she's borrowed from her siblings, but they got fed up and now it's me who lends her money. We agreed she'll pay me back when she's earning enough to do so. She's working occasional low-paid jobs, but over the last year has built up a debt to me of over £4,000. I'm self-employed and it's made a noticeable dent in my income. I'm also concerned that by lending her money, I'm reinforcing her debt habit. But what drives me to do so is my wish to keep her safe, and out of the hands of commercial lenders (or worse). What should I do?

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kimwp

Insanity is repeating the same actions and expecting different results.

Are you planning to fund her at 4k this year, 5k next year, 6k and so on for the rest of her life? If not, time to cut the financial cord.

Recommend that you hang out on the debt free wannabe board for a bit to see how actually not terrible the consequences of defaulting on debt is with commercial lenders. 

twopenny

Sounds like my neighbours son.

Wants a house of his own, another car, but has a part time low paid job, won't consider doing a 2nd job and wants his sky tv/broadband and play on his computer.

So 70yr old mum has him in a small bungalow along with his 2 small children half the time, she shops, cooks, does the washing and maintains the house because 'he doesn't like doing things like that'. She;s looking after her elderly mother too.

This is what you have to look forward to unless you encourage your daughter to understand money and if you want stuff you need to work more.

At the moment she's getting what she wants without making any changes or taking any responsibility.

The Citizens Advice do a debt advice for individuals. If you could encourage her to go to one of these it may wake her up where she's going.

First work out how much she actually owes not just you but her siblings as well.

REality check needed.

ShinyStarlight1

There’s a fine line between supporting and enabling.

Rob5342

kimwp said:

Insanity is repeating the same actions and expecting different results.

I'd say that if you repeat the same actions and expect different results then you understand probability

Pedantic mode off, I agree with your sentiment. Adults need to be responsible for their own affairs, and any help needs to be given with caution. People sometimes get into sticky situations through misfortune or bad judgement and it's natural to want to help. If it's occasional and the help gets them back on their feet then that's fine, but if they keep making the same mistakes then all you are doing is helping them get into an even worse situation. If someones in a hole don't give them your spade.

Brie

Look at yourself in the mirror and start practicing...."sorry dear, money is tight right now and with all the bills going up I just can't afford to keep subbing you.  Maybe you should try saving up before deciding you want to buy something."

MattMattMattUK

You might think you are helping, but you are not, you are enabling. Stop lending her money.

poppetgrant

She is too dependent on you, and you're enabling her, which isn't helping her. Be tough and tell her no, and if she makes a bad decision, she will have to deal with it. Let her grow up and be independent, because you won't always be there to bail her out and save her, kids have to make their own mistakes to learn from them.

Agent57

You already know the answer to your question.

a604

Your daughter needs to be taught how to manage money and to follow a budget.  It’s far too easy to make online purchases or to sign up for monthly contracts on phones, sky etc.  I would suggest sitting down with your daughter, explain you can’t continue to finance her but want to help her.  It’s not going to be easy.    Try to encourage her to show you her last 3 months bank statements so you can see where she is going wrong and explain what changes she needs to make to live within her means.   Agree a budget with her and have regular contact to try and check that she’s not overspending.
However, at the end of the day, she’s an adult who is responsible for making her own decisions and living with the consequences of the choices she makes.

Bookhaven

Christians Against Poverty run a debt service, and they also do a CAP money course, where your daughter could learn how to budget and manage her money properly. A lot of the time, it isn't so much not having enough money, it's learning how to manage the money that you have.