Money Moral Dilemma: Should I stop lending money to my daughter?

Tuesday

I had the same problem with one of my daughters. She kept expecting me to help her financially and to help with childcare for her 4 children. I've tried to be a nice Mum. I looked after her 4 children for two weeks while she went on an exotic holiday with her new boyfriend. I saved up to buy solar panels but instead gave her the money to buy a new boiler. I am on the state pension and work 2 days a week so I'm not rich. The last thing I gave her was £1,000 towards replacing her car. Then she decided to stop speaking to me. That was 11 months ago. I realised I'd given her over £12,000 in the past year. I don't know how she is doing but I've bought a 6 year old sports car and gone on holiday to California. 

BridgeBourne

Yes you should stop lending/giving her money. She will never learn responsibility if you don't stop. I had a friend whose daughter did the same. He felt guilty because her brother had a much better paid job than she did so kept "lending" money that she promised to paid back but never did. By all means help her find courses to help her manage her money/ advise her but do not keep giving her more. Harsh though it is "No" is a complete sentence.  Or if you feel that is too harsh follow Brie's advice above.

beanielou

You are enabling her to not learn how to budget & to manage her own finances. 

jedav

If the agreement is for her to pay you back when she is earning enough to do so, where is the incentive for her to 'earn enough' if you keep 'lending' additional amounts to her?
If you want to salve your conscience you could have a conversation with her where you warn her that you can no longer afford to give her money as it is affecting your ability to manage your own finances.  Then it should not come as a shock when you refuse her next request.

pink_flowers

I've been in a similar situation with my daughter and I can totally understand your reasoning for lending her money.
Although it might seem like the easy option, eventually it does become a burden and also a constant worry for yourself and it won't change your daughter's spending habits. 
I used to sit down with my daughter and go through her spending with her to help her budget better. This happened several times but each time she wasn't disclosing the full details and she'd find herself in debt again. My daughter did feel that she'd let me down but reckless spending habits are often connected with mental health struggles which always makes things more difficult. But thanks  to MSE I read about Step Change debt charity. I realised the importance of trying to sort out what debts are connected to essential things (heating, eating) and prioritising those. Eventually, my daughter agreed to let Step Change help her. They helped her set up payment plans with the companies she owed money to and to budget and plan the rest of her spending strictly according to income (and see how much if anything was left to spend - they do realise that people need to have some leisure spending). I did help to pay off a couple of things whilst this was going on, but the involvement of Step Change and me saying no to more large scale lending/giving, made her realise the importance of money management. She is now able to budget and even save up a bit, despite having health problems and not being able to work much. This has improved her own self worth no end and our relationship is better for it too.
It's a hard slog but totally worth it.

Epsomdtc

The horns of your dilemma are indeed sharp.
How about the middle ground?
1. Salve your conscience by setting a monthly lend limit.
2. Stick to it.
3. Stick to it.
4. Model the behaviour you want see.
5. Stick to it.
 ;- ) 

nosuperwoman

As a Psychologist I can state with some certainty that people are motivated to change by unmet needs.
I'd echo the 'tough love' suggestions - they are the best you can do for your daughter.

eao

It is difficult.  I agree with the suggestion that you sit down with her with bank statements and credit card statements, then work out a plan eg if she accepts, cut up all credit cards then you will give her £200 per month with £100 of that deducted at source to repay the £4000 debt.  After 40 months she will have paid off the debt, learned about budgeting  and can then paddle off without any subvention from you.

75andcounting

Never lend money to your children with the expectation you will ever see it again. If you can’t give freely don’t give at all

primrose_penguin

Your daughter needs to learn to live within her means and she will never do so if you continually bale her out. It is a tough love situation. It sounds like however much money she has she will continue to overspend, she needs to have a chat with someone outside the family who can help her to budget her money and be more responsible. I think you would be doing her a favour by telling her you cannot do it anymore as you can no longer afford it, but perhaps guide her to citizens advice bureau or somewhere that offers free advice etc. on how to manage her finances. Also encourage her to find a proper full time job. Good luck.