Money Moral Dilemma: Should I stop lending money to my daughter?

Pennypitstop123

Don't worry about commercial lenders, if she is only doing low paid jobs here and there she has no chance of getting a loan. Even if she did somehow get a loan then stops repaying she will get the hassle of dealing with that and hopefully it will teach her  lesson (  unless you cave in and bail her out) they will not harm her it is not the wild west.
 It is your motherly duty to let her go out into the wide world and make her own mistakes and learn how to deal with them. As long as you keep doing what you are doing she is going to keep on taking from you and you are not helping her to have a good life.
She can do full time work or more than one job.....how do you manage to pay the bills ??? let her learn that she cannot keep getting it handed to her on a plate it is making her lazy and irresponsible and you are not helping her at all.

Jillyjs

You say that you are self employed and your daughter has flexible employment conditions, could she not help you in some way and earn what you give her. If she refuses then , sorry but no money available this week. 

[Deleted User]

In answer to your question, yes, you should definitely stop lending your daughter money. You’re not doing her any favours and she will never learn how to stand on her own two feet if you continue to keep doing so. As hard as it may be, she will appreciate this in the long run. Look at it this way, if you keep on bailing her out she will never learn to fend for herself. You won’t be around forever so the sooner she gets used to relying on herself the better. It may sound like tough love but in the long run you will be doing the best thing for your daughter.

pammieb

Sadly you already know the answer to that question and I hope you can be strong enough...

She is taking advantage and has had several warnings. Why should you keep subbing her? She needs to take ownership of her life and her finances. Like her other siblings. 

My daughter used to try this with me, but eventually discovered a bank account, into which she could put her wages into separate "pots" within the same account. That sort of "fine organisation" seemed to gradually "cure" her and also installed a sense of pride in her own accomplishment, apart from a couple of small lapses. (Where an unexpected expense arose).

There are many excellent replies to this post, which, hopefully will provide help, should her problems still persist. 

RAS

Suggest she does a proper budget and uses something like Monzo with it's "savings" pots. So much per month for everything she needs. Travel needs to cover the month, holidays need saving over several months and clothing can be more flexible. 

She only stays at home whilst she's re-paying her debt. Otherwise she moves out. And she has limited time to get her act together before she also starts paying some rent, so needs to start cutting her other debts and planning.

kbskylady

It will be tough but you need to be cruel to be kind. Spending beyond one's means can becomes a habit. The world is based on valuing us by how much we consume (spend) and the poorer you are the worse you feel as advertisng is designed to make us feel inadequate.  As your other three kids are OK with money I'd say you taught them all well, and it's just your daughetr who has the problem. There may be am underlying reason, not just low pay. Spending is an emotional habit, which may stem form her feeling bad about only being in low paid jobs - she probably sees her siblings as doing well and feels even worse about her own situation. Maybe her friends are better off, too and she is trying to match their lifestyle. However 'cruel to be kind' is the operative phrase here because if you keep enabling your daughter she will get itno a terrible mess and you will be the poorer for it. She may even have debts elsewhere too. Money counselling can help. MSE's Money and Mental Health people might be where your daughter should go for advice. Helping her to help herself seems key here. She's not abad person, not a scrounger (I hope not anyway) but she needs support to get out of this habit and to live within her means. Good luck to you both.

CRN

A bit of tough love needed - your daughter needs to go back to basics - perhaps her giving you whatever she earns, you give her pocket money for essentials and she goes without or saves for the 'luxuries'.  You can't buy what you can't afford.  It's been too easy to get into debt and borrow on the never never, not good when you really want something or to go somewhere but this is life sadly.  Good luck, I hope it pays off.

MKKO2025

I never had a parent or family member to get me out of debt. I appreciate what you are trying to do but I learnt the biggest lessons in money management by having debt and I'm better for it now. 

I learnt the consequences when I wanted a mortgage and discovered my credit file. Does she know about these kind of things, would your support be better off there? 

Missy15

I had a similar problem with my daughter, she had student debt, not a lot but... 
 she was given  money rather than lent, she refused to show us her bank statements so we could try  to help her manage her money.
Unfortunately the problem re- occurred,
It turned out,  despite our teaching her to check her accounts etc, from an early age, she hadn't been doing so, and had just chucked them in a drawer.
   Eventually she remembered our lessons, when we refused to bail her out again, transpired money had been taken out for her lodging, twice a month for several months!  She sorted the problem out, mainly by herself, but did ask for back up, which we gladly gave.
My point is :  unless they are of the mindset to learn how to manage money,  they won't until it's too late, the only thing you can do is continue to support her with advice and encouragement but don't enable her anymore.


 

Pollycat

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

 Of my four adult kids, three handle money well. But the youngest's money disappears at a startling rate. In the past she's borrowed from her siblings, but they got fed up and now it's me who lends her money. We agreed she'll pay me back when she's earning enough to do so. She's working occasional low-paid jobs, but over the last year has built up a debt to me of over £4,000. I'm self-employed and it's made a noticeable dent in my income. I'm also concerned that by lending her money, I'm reinforcing her debt habit. But what drives me to do so is my wish to keep her safe, and out of the hands of commercial lenders (or worse). What should I do?

She's an adult.

You are enabling her to overspend by lending her money.
How do you expect her to learn to live within a budget when you have lent her £4k in a year?

What is her plan for the future?
To continue in occasional low paid jobs and bum money from you?

Do you think she'll ever pay you back?
Do you think you are being fair to your other 3 financially sensible children?