Money Moral Dilemma: Should I stop lending money to my daughter?

JayD

I don't believe that loans to one's children are in fact loans.

It has long been accepted - rightly or wrongly- that loans to one's children should realistically be considered gifts, and any repayments, unexpected delighst.

Our 30 year old granddaughter has stopped asking to 'borrow' now but instead pleads for help, when she gets into financial fixes. She does not live at home, Her parents are no longer in contact with her, she only has us to turn to. She does work full time but is only paid the minimum wage.  Living expenses are high these days and we would never expect her to go without some pleasures in her life. So we do help out when asked, alongside repeating advice on planning and saving..Also, we always pay for an annual prescription pre-payment certificate for her, so that she is not reluctant to seek medical help whenever she needs it and we do spoil her at Christmas and on her birthday. However, it would be lovely to surprise her with a special treat sometimes but, given the cost of buffering her, we don't feel able to do that on top.

Our plan - and suggestion to you -  is one day to advise her, that while we will continue to pay for the PPC every year, we will make now her a reasonable one off financial gift. It will not be a loan. It will be a ONE OFF GIFT, for her to save, spread over her annual expenses, or do whatever she wishes to do with it. BUT, after that, any money we give her will be given to her UNSOLICITED. We will not respond to any requests for loans or any more cries for financial help, other than in a dire emergency. It will be a temporary buffer to allow her to come to terms with the fact that she truly does have to support herself fully from then on in.

We don't know if it will work - and it is hard to decide on the timing of when to do it, but we will give it a try.

Uriziel

You have pretty much ruined her by enabling this behaviour so I do not know what you expect at this point. Tell her that you cannot provide her with any further money and move on. She should be working and trying to get a better paid job but because you are throwing money at her she has no incentive to do so and once you are no longer around she will most likely become homeless.

rosewalk

I have friend who was constantly bailing out her daughter who continually got into debt. In the end she became ill and had to reduce her hours at work and couldn't afford to do it any more. Her daughter went to a debt advice agency  and was able to sort out her debt. 3 years on her daughter is debt free and is able to budget because she has to. My friend regrets not refusing to help her daughter earlier. 

CapeTown

eao said:

It is difficult.  I agree with the suggestion that you sit down with her with bank statements and credit card statements, then work out a plan eg if she accepts, cut up all credit cards then you will give her £200 per month with £100 of that deducted at source to repay the £4000 debt.  After 40 months she will have paid off the debt, learned about budgeting  and can then paddle off without any subvention from you.

No no no. No giving 200 per month. A very reckless suggestion 

Rd1994

Yes stop lending her money NOW especially as it’s having a financial Impact on you and it’s not fair on your other children. What is she spending the money so fast on? She needs to learn how to earn enough of her own money to keep her stable for her life / not spend beyond her means - Can you sit her down and show her how it’s effecting your financially / emotionally. Ask where the money is going? There might be (hopfully not) a more sinister side to her spending habits.  

There are some positive finance influencers on social media at the minute - maybe she will engage with their content. Mia McGrath (Tiktok) talks about not living beyond her means, saving, investing and hoping to retire early - can relate, she’s adopted & not born rich. 

tattybogle2

Been there with my stepson, now 52, and still asking dad for help although occasionally paying back what he "borrows". Suggest you show TOUGH LOVE - it will be worth it in the long run.

Jemma01

4k? At what point do you plan to stop and say "pay back the debt and once I'm satisfied with that, I'll consider lending again, but right now the conversation is about me asking you to pay back". 

Every time you see her ask for your money, hopefully this will block her from asking you for money!

Rob5342

JayD said:

I don't believe that loans to one's children are in fact loans.

It has long been accepted - rightly or wrongly- that loans to one's children should realistically be considered gifts, and any repayments, unexpected delighst.

Who says that? I borrowed some money from my Mum to help with a house deposit. Before she gave it to me I wrote out a 5 year repayment plan with dates and amounts and stuck to that exactly.

mlz1413

I'm late to this thread and loads of good advise has been given.

My thoughts, your youngest daughter is taking advantage of all her family.  Her siblings have cottoned on to this and you are getting to that point.

Your daughter is as capable as anyone else of working full time. Plus if she can spend at the rate you say then she needs to be at work longer so she has less chance to spend!

You have already lent her £4000 that you have little chance of getting back. So it's time for a reset.

Agree that she does all the house work whilst working part time.

Agree that you won't lend her any more but you will feed and house her.

As and when she gets a full time job you need to take rent.  Save that rent for when she NEEDS it, your decision not hers.

If you ever lend her money again give your other children the same amount at the same time and say why.

RavingMad

How much does that money mean to you? To your daughter? Only you and your family know the answer to that

A lot of tough love answers here but on a money saving forum, I guess money is on most people's minds

But a couple of replies have regrets and how they would do things differently. They are the ones that stick with me. I want my kids to have everything I didn't have when I grew up.  It's a different world now to when I was a kid, and if they're struggling, I'll do my best to help them be decent human beings 

Why else would we have kids?