Money Moral Dilemma: Should I stop lending money to my daughter?

John72Oliver

I had a similar problem up until my 30's. I had no real sense of personal responsibiltty and just kept going to my parents to bail me out financially. My neurosis was much deeper than I am describing here, but I think you get the picture that I can relate from your daughter's side, and now yours. 

It's very easy for people to say things like 'Cut the chord' with no insight or understanding, it's not so easy for you or her though. If you didn't love your daughter so much you wouldn't be asking the question or supplying the money. You clearly want to do the right thing and I doubt that cutting her off cold is going to be the best thing for either of you. Bear in mind that you have to watch the consequencs.  She has a problem. I'd love to say that she can get help from any particular organisation or person, but with a lack of insight I don't know which way she needs to go, I do know that she needs help and I do know that there's plenty of it out there. Some of it may cost money though.

What my family did was sit me down and explain that it was a problem and that I needed to change. I also could not hold down a job and had problems wanting a long term job. I did get help though. It took me a while to get on my feet but I made it tahnks to a combination of loving support and my own determination. I think that you think that much of your daughter and much as I think that you should not have to fund her I think that you two can comprimise.

If she will sit and talk with you, she needs to admit that there is a problem. If that can be achieved, the problem (with a lot more talking) can be identified. Then you can find people who can help her to change. Maybe a reasonable comprimise is that you firstly set limits on how much money she can take from you. The you can both agree that the money is only available as long as she is getting help and using it effectively.

When it was my family confronting me with this I did not respond well at first. I saw it as an attack and an unsupportive attitude. It took a few tries. I don't know how much of that it will take for you, I was in a pretty bad way though and I had hidden the worst of my problems from everybody, so be prepared for surprises. Had my family withdrawn help, I would have been in a much worse place and I doubt that I would be self-sufficient now. That may or may not be the case for your daughter, I don't know. I wish you both all the best though.

teachkate

Our eldest son was hopeless with money when he was in his late teens early 20s - although he never asked to borrow money he just waited until the red bills arrived which once I found I paid off. 

My best friend had a long conversation with me one day to explain that in fact I was part of the problem rather than the solution.  She was right - I stopped doing it, he got his act together and is now in his 40s and a chartered accountant. 

Yes it hard to say no and watch your child struggle but it’s part of parenting 

bikaga

Sit down with her and talk to her and find out what's going on.

Being crap with money, irresponsible and not being able to hold down a job could be because she's not quite there yet in terms of maturity. It could be because she knows what she's doing and is happy to let others pay for her. It could be because she's got serious issues with understanding how money works. It could be a symptom of depression or other mental illness or personality disorders or undiagnosed / untreated ADHD, ASD etc, or even of addiction.

Whatever it is, you need to get to the bottom of it to find out how to best support her so she doesn't have to rely on you forever and so that in case there's something underlying it all you can find out and help with that.

eastridingretiree

It’s hard saying ‘no’ but you’ll be doing your daughter a favour in the medium to long term if you do so. Talk about cost of living pressures and how she needs to start repaying her debt to you. Be prepared for emotional blackmail but stand firm. You may have to wave goodbye to the debt but at least stop it increasing. 

squirrel59

My father taught me a harsh, unexpected, yet most valuable lesson 45 years ago. He refused to lend me money when I was hugely overdrawn. Instead he cleared with the bank manager that I should still be able to withdraw money when I needed it, because he would stand as a guarantor. He then bought me a ledger and taught me how to use it and how to budget. I paid off my debt in 6 months and still use a ledger today, albeit nowadays on my PC. I am still grateful to him for really helping me, rather than just throwing money at me.

sjaeagle5

“Sorry my dear, you’ve reached your credit limit.”
Squirrel has posted a very valid suggestion.

IvonH

Yes.
And work out a payment plan for her to pay you back, stating that you need the money.  She can start with 25 pounds a month - it's not about the money but the fact that she needs to face up to her responsibilities.  Be a parent.

FarmGirl78

I'm confused that your concern isn't teaching her how to budget properly, live within her means or not run up further debt but instead seems to be making sure her debts are with nice people. You seem to take it as read that there will be ongoing further debts. She'll never get out of debt of you're condoning it.

Pruberry

John72Oliver, yours is the best post I've seen in ages. Well done for sharing your story and advice, which I hope will be instrumental in helping the poster and their daughter.

Anja

MSE has a budget spreadsheet you can download; it sounds like your daughter needs to be taught how to budget. You  should also explain to her that you are now struggling and perhaps she might relate to your problems too.