Money Moral Dilemma: Should we offer to pay towards my in-laws' flights from Australia?

ShinyStarlight1

Although this is about money, it’s not only about money. So I wouldn’t weigh up childcare costs v flight tickets as a way of making any decision.

All this multigenerational contact is part of your children’s sense of belonging to a family - the security and embedded-in-generational-time feeling.

Being part of a family always involves awkward conversations at times but honesty and open-heartedness can make such conversations feel safe. Maybe tell your in-laws openly your financial situation and I bet they’ll try to find a solution with you. Whatever happens, don’t make their presence in your life seem like a convenience rather than genuinely welcomed. That would hurt.

pollypenny

Laaalaaa said:

You can't afford the flights and need to prioritise your children. I assume you provide free accommodation (your house), more food in the fridge etc and they get to spend time with their grandchildren that they rarely see. The in laws should pay for the flights. If they're annoyed that you're not giving them an all expenses paid holiday, then I wouldn't invite them to stay.

'An all expenses paid holiday'?   The grandparents have done child care. Do you imagine they sit at home in Australia?  No, their lives there are on hold while they're on childcare duty for two months. 

And, as we do,they probably shop and cook. 

SparklyB62

ButterCheese said:

I probably won't look at this again, so I'll just say this.

The fact is that you can't afford their air fares anymore, which is fine.  Just tell them that.  They can then decide if they still want to come over.  If they do, and by saving money on childcare you can save up a bit, just offer them what you can towards it when they go back.

I'd also add, these are your in-laws so what is your other half saying about the whole thing?  That should be decided between you two first, and he should be having the conversation with his parents.  It is not only down to the mum to sort out everything domestic.  You should both be deciding what you can afford as a family and he should be discussing that with his parents

I am fascinated by your assumption that it is the mother posting this.  Nowhere does the post say anything to indicate this.

saajan_12

You could, as long as you're prepared for them to not come, meaning you're then on the hook for childcare / camps / time off work.. if that's more than the flights, then presumably you can't afford NOT to pay for them to come. If its less, then perhaps offer to pay up to the amount of the saved childcare or pay £0 and take the chance. 

Normally people pay for their own flights so the fact that its already working this way implies everyone's aware and under the impression that they are doing you more of a favour in free childcare than you are doing them in free accommodation. 

primrose_penguin

I think it would be best to be upfront and explain you can not afford to pay their fares at the moment, things are tough for most of us and I would hope they will offer to pay their own fares or a large part. You say you put them up whole time while they are over here and although they provide child care, which I am sure they enjoy as they get to see their Grandsons for a couple of months, they are also getting a free holiday, you do not say whether they contribute to their stay at all, if not then they are getting a good deal. I know it suits you also as you do not have to worry about organising child care, but I doubt they would expect you to pay their fares if they realise you cannot afford to, have a conversation with them, I am sure you can sort something out between you.

kimwp

Laaalaaa said:

You can't afford the flights and need to prioritise your children. I assume you provide free accommodation (your house), more food in the fridge etc and they get to spend time with their grandchildren that they rarely see. The in laws should pay for the flights. If they're annoyed that you're not giving them an all expenses paid holiday, then I wouldn't invite them to stay.

It's not really a holiday though.... They'll be limited to doing what the kids can/want to do, sorting out food, clothes, cooking, dishes, managing emotions and quarrels etc. if the kids are really young, nappies, cleaning up after meals etc. 

JayD

Of course you need to tell them that you can't afford their air fares any more. I am sure they will understand that. However, if you have always paid for their flights, perhaps you should let them know what you can afford to put towards that cost. After all, them coming over is a win win situation for you both - and there may be a time when they just aren't able to come over any more...

.

ShinyStarlight1

primrose_penguin said:

…You say you put them up whole time while they are over here and although they provide child care, which I am sure they enjoy as they get to see their Grandsons for a couple of months, they are also getting a free holiday, you do not say whether they contribute to their stay at all, if not then they are getting a good deal…

Why is childcare regarded as a breeze - virtually a free holiday - when grandparents do it, but exhausting when parents do it?

It clearly is tiring and demanding whoever does it, as well as lovely and uplifting. But not recognising that the grandparents are doing quite a lot of work when they take care of the children, with far less energy, is not right and sounds rather entitled and dehumanising.

In this situation, both parties are benefiting from the arrangement so both parties should contribute towards it.