Money Moral Dilemma: Should we offer to pay towards my in-laws' flights from Australia?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

Each summer, my retired in-laws come over from Australia to spend a couple of months with our two sons while they're on school holidays. As we put them up the whole time, we don't have to pay for any childcare or summer camps. In previous years, we've also paid for their flights, but we really can't afford to this year. Should we tell them that and hope they'll pay for themselves, or offer to pay at least something towards their flights given what we'll save on childcare if they do come?

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ButterCheese

How was the conversation started about them coming over?  It's important to know how the conversation was started and under what premise before I can really give my 2p worth.

But generally, who is helping who?  They are getting to see their grandkids, and living with you for free.  That's sort of half the bargain right there.

But it would be very different if you'd asked them to come over and stay, so that they could look after them.  How old are the kids? 

ButterCheese

I probably won't look at this again, so I'll just say this.

The fact is that you can't afford their air fares anymore, which is fine.  Just tell them that.  They can then decide if they still want to come over.  If they do, and by saving money on childcare you can save up a bit, just offer them what you can towards it when they go back.

I'd also add, these are your in-laws so what is your other half saying about the whole thing?  That should be decided between you two first, and he should be having the conversation with his parents.  It is not only down to the mum to sort out everything domestic.  You should both be deciding what you can afford as a family and he should be discussing that with his parents

kimwp

Is it cheaper to pay for childcare or flights? They might have a nice time with your kids, but looking after your kids is them doing you a favour. 

Shell1989

If your in-laws don’t come, will it cost you more in childcare for the summer? If yes, find the money for their flights and don’t change the arrangement. Worse case scenario, they don’t come and you have to find the money for childcare anyway. Choose the lesser evil 😊

Tealeaf24

ButterCheese said:

I probably won't look at this again, so I'll just say this.

The fact is that you can't afford their air fares anymore, which is fine.  Just tell them that.  They can then decide if they still want to come over.  If they do, and by saving money on childcare you can save up a bit, just offer them what you can towards it when they go back.

I'd also add, these are your in-laws so what is your other half saying about the whole thing?  That should be decided between you two first, and he should be having the conversation with his parents.  It is not only down to the mum to sort out everything domestic.  You should both be deciding what you can afford as a family and he should be discussing that with his parents

I'm not sure why you assume that the children's mother or stepmother is the parent who wrote in.

Tealeaf24

Tealeaf24 said:

ButterCheese said:

I probably won't look at this again, so I'll just say this.

The fact is that you can't afford their air fares anymore, which is fine.  Just tell them that.  They can then decide if they still want to come over.  If they do, and by saving money on childcare you can save up a bit, just offer them what you can towards it when they go back.

I'd also add, these are your in-laws so what is your other half saying about the whole thing?  That should be decided between you two first, and he should be having the conversation with his parents.  It is not only down to the mum to sort out everything domestic.  You should both be deciding what you can afford as a family and he should be discussing that with his parents

I'm not sure why you assume that the children's mother or stepmother is the parent who wrote in.

And I've just noticed the name of the forum group.

pollypenny

We used to go to the US to help with childcare regularly.  While there we would also shop and cook, so we were actually feeding six people, rather than just the two of us. 

I should also point out that they will be disrupting their own lives, as we were, while loving being with the grands 

If you are struggling to afford to lay for them, when you've done do in the past, it's difficult. You need to be honest, say how much you appreciate their help and ask if they are able to pay some of the cost. 

Rocketdogroya

have a conversation, come to an agreement. Spending time with their child and grandkids may be worth it for them.

Heyadad

It's a tricky decision.  I am the same in reverse.  I live in the UK and for the last four Januarys have flown over to Australia and done a fair bit of childminding in the day and babysitting in the evenings.  I pay for my flights.  Until this year I also stayed with my son and family for free.  But paying my way with contributions to food and petrol and paying for a short stay in an Airbnb.

This year though, as they have a smaller house, I stayed with them, in an Airbnb, went on a short trip and stayed with my son's in-laws for free which helped my finances massively.  The cost was almost prohibitive.  I'm fortunate I still work and have a pension.  But I now play the Amex Reward Flight game saving me thousands in flights.  Without that, even for one person to get a return economy flight is IRO of £1500, I would struggle to pay.  Double that and the increase in the strength of the pound against the Australian Dollar and the costs stack up.  Kids are not kids forever and the in-laws won't be able to fly forever.  I think a tactical FaceTime discussion is the way forward with you laying out the issues of cost and reach a compromise.  Again, in my case, if I can afford it I'll carry on doing it once a year.  But a year is a long time to wait for their next trip.  I would like to think they would be willing to compromise and pay for the flight.  Or else, do what we did one year and met halfwayish in Thailand or elsewhere in the region.  And if the boot was on the other foot would they pay for you to fly out at Christmas or your children when they are older.  Maybe they would.

2702

Yes you need to tell them you cannot pay the flights. What normally happens, do they pay and then you refund them?
You know their approx financial status so can they afford it? You can offer to pay what you would save on childcare costs or they maybe happy to pay. If I was them and I had the money I would happily pay for the flights, I would not consider looking after my grandchildren something of an effort rather a privilege.