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Money Moral Dilemma: I booked a trip with a friend but her fiancé won't let her come - what do I do?

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  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 35,804 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Savvy Shopper!
    derekm85 said:
    Pollycat said:
    derekm85 said:
    The friend who has reneged on her promise to go on the trip, should definitely compensate her friend who has been left out of pocket.  There is no doubt about that as it's the right thing to do.
    But on the other issue, I'm astounded as the complete rush to judgement over the fiancé's behaviour.  Firstly, we're told nothing about the nature of the trip and very few details are actually given.  Given that this person hasn't posted any details about where they had agreed to go and where they've been travelling to for the last 10 years is quite suspicious.  For instance, if this is an alcohol- fuelled trip to Magaluf or Aya Napa, then I totally understand the fiancé's reluctance to allow his partner to go, particularly if he doesn't totally trust his fiancé's friend or if they've had a history of getting completely drunk and engaging in questionable behaviour on previous holidays.  
    For those calling the finance controlling, I wonder how they would feel if their husbands went on a trip to Vegas visiting lap dancing bars?

    Nobody - absolutely nobody has any right whatsoever to refuse to allow their partner to go anywhere, with anyone.
    It's 2025!

    If my OH wanted to go to Vegas and visit lap-dancing clubs, he can go.
    It's called 'trust'.

    Alcohol-fuelled trips and questionable behaviour are not excuses to exercise coercive control over a partner.

    We're told nothing about the nature of the trip and are given very few details because that is the nature of the best that is MMD.

    Every MMD says this:

    Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. 
    No additional details will be posted and no questions will be answered.

    MMDs are deliberately reduced by MSE to the few sentences you see in the original post.

    I didn't say "refuse your partner to go on the trip".  I said I can understand her fiancé's reluctance to her going on an alcohol- fuelled trip with a less than trustworthy friend if that is indeed what the trip is for.  Unfortunately we are not told where they had agreed to go.  Of course nobody can or should refuse somebody's desire to go on a trip but there is also such a thing as not wanting to make your partner feel insecure or uncomfortable, whether you agree or not.
    Yes MMD's are reduced to a few sentences, but stating where the trip will be taking place only takes one word, and the fact that no mention is made seems to be a bit suspicious.
    Yes of course there should be trust, but I would also understand if my partner felt uncomfortable about me drinking in lap dancing bars, and despite her trust for me, I wouldn't want her to feel in any way uncomfortable.  That's called respect.  The fact that you allow your husband to go to lap dancing bars is either very open- minded or extremely naive.
    I don't allow him to go.
    He wouldn't want to go (we are in our 70s). 
    I said I would allow him to go if he wished.
    He doesn't wish to.

    No nonsense about open mindedness or naivety. 
    Not after 40+ years of married trust and respect.

    If someone won't allow their partner to go on a holiday on their own, they show no trust and no respect.

    The 'alcohol-fuelled trip with questionable behaviour' is entirely made up by you.
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 35,804 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Savvy Shopper!
    Pollycat said:
    Nobody - absolutely nobody has any right whatsoever to refuse to allow their partner to go anywhere, with anyone.
    It's 2025!

    To be totally fair, many years ago, I told Mrs O one of her friends was no longer welcome in our house, and pretty much told her to never meet with her again. At the time Mrs O. had enough problems without having to deal with a very toxic person. I could walk into the house and, from Mrs O's demeanour, know immediately that her toxic friend had been round.

    Fortunately she agreed with me, and despite some guilty feelings, her mood and belief in herself increased substantially within a few days.
    I respond to reasonableness, not ultimatums or orders.
  • Skiddaw1
    Skiddaw1 Posts: 2,277 Forumite
    Sixth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    Nice one @Pollycat. I wholeheartedly agree with both your above posts. There is absolutely NO excuse for the sort of cotrolling, coercive behaviour that the OP's friend describes and neither is there any justification for some of the replies in this thread.
     
    I'm going to report the thread and suggest it is closed. 
  • jandc
    jandc Posts: 1 Newbie
    First Post
    It’s your friend who needs to sort herself out, ditch the fiancé!  If he’s that controlling before marriage what’s he going to be like after, if she can’t go away with her best friend.  If she’s not prepared to pay her share then she’s also not a good friend to have.  You haven’t done anything wrong other than agree to what happened last year, you should have seen the writing on the wall  
  • Lowry1986
    Lowry1986 Posts: 8 Forumite
    First Post First Anniversary
    Seems your friend is about to marry a control-freak but you can't interfere with that or how that will affect your friendship once they are married. 10 years of friendship?  Can you find someone who might step in and share your holiday with you. Tell your friend you will do the best to save your holiday but that you just can't afford the total bill. If she really is a good friend she will understand her broken commitment and will help you out one way or another?
  • sheramber
    sheramber Posts: 22,636 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts I've been Money Tipped! Name Dropper
    If going on holiday with a friend warrants him leaving her there is much to question about thre relationaship.
  • CrazyBee787
    CrazyBee787 Posts: 945 Forumite
    500 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    edited 13 February at 2:46AM
    What didn't you learn from the previous year, you had an agreement with the friend the previous year from what I can tell she let you down, it sounds like she is letting you down again, I would ditch her if I was you, not a real friend a user and abuser!
  • I would not cancel your holiday, hopefully you can find someone else to take your friends place even if you reduce their contribution towards the trip, if you cannot find anyone I would go on your own, you will probably meet other people to pal up with whilst there, and take a good book with you. I would also not turn your back on your friend but tell her you are there if she needs you at any time. Her future husbands attitude does not bode well for their marriage, whether it is jealousy or wanting to be in control neither are very attractive traits, and hopefully your friend will realise this before they marry, but they say love is blind so don't expect too much. In the meantime I would hope you have other friends to enjoy your life with and perhaps take up a new pastime where you can meet up with new people, but still keep in touch with your friend if possible. Good luck and enjoy your holiday.
  • JayD
    JayD Posts: 746 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 500 Posts Combo Breaker
    It would seem a frank conversation needs to be had with your friend explaining how this is a recent development - not of YOUR making- that has left you in a financially unpleasant situation.
    To comment on the restrictive nature of her relationship with her fiance would be most unwise, although a mild reference to it would not be unacceptable, given your long term, close friendship. Even the insinuation that maybe the fiance might consider at least some reimbursement.
    Of course, legal action would not only be a last resort - and would ruin your friendship for good - but not a given that you would get any recompense that way either.

    So, hopefully, your friendship is strong enough that she will at least make some offering to ease the costs you have incurred - and perhaps there is someone else you can take with you to enjoy that holiday with.
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