Money Moral Dilemma: I booked a trip with a friend but her fiancé won't let her come - what do I do?

twopenny

Seems everyone is in agreement.

Did you have a conversation about booking a holiday before you did it? Especially after what happened last time. Frankly I would have wanted to establish the ground rules of if she's coming, where she wanted to go and when before I booked anything. In fact I wouldn't have. I'd have asked her to do it ensuring that I wasn't left high and dry again.

Presumably she agreed to it?

But it's done. You will probably be looking for someone else and that's a good idea. Let her know that if she isn't coming you have someone. She's being pressured from both sides. Him and you.

Let her off the hook on this one so she can sort it out herself without the pressure. But let her know you are still there for her if she needs to talk. Arrange a coffee or lunch out to show you are still her friend because it sounds like she is going to need one.

If he starts to refuse to let her meet you it may help her to see what is happening.

Pollycat

Marineboy81 said:

It may well be that your friend is trying to back away from trips away with friends. Sometimes people’s priorities change in relationships and they want to spend more time with their partner than friends. She may find it hard to say this and use the boyfriend as an excuse. I’d back off and leave them to it. Your friendship will survive if it’s healthy for both of you. Their relationship will too if it’s healthy but that’s not your problem. Suck up the financial loss learn a lesson (make others pay their share up front)  and take someone else instead or gave an adventure on your own.  Enjoy and move forward.  

If a friend of mine had been so duplicitous as to back away from a pre-agreed holiday by blaming it on the coercive control of her boyfriend, the friendship would have no chance of surviving - I'd end it.
That sort of friendship is just not healthy.  

mazza73monk

Sounds like a controlling a**hole, this person needs TO BE GONE.

This controlling leads to worse, not even married yet..........?

Would my partner stop me going away with a friend etc for no justifiable reason? Of course she wouldn't.

If anyone's does, seriously consider your relationship. FOR YOUR OWN SAKE

Rocketdogroya

Sadly, this is not a dilemma on its surface, just a sad state of affairs. If the holiday is non refundable there is nothing that can be done. 

Most women do not realise they are in a 'bad' relationship until too late. Once they have been isolated and have no real way out then the tangible abuse begins. If that is what's happening here (he may be stupidly insecure and jealous of a deep friendship. We do not know if the OP is a 'wild child' and he maybe, wrongly, threatened by her influence) at this stage she may not even be aware she is being manipulated and coerced. Its hard to offer a 'safe place' to someone who hasn't admitted to them selves they need and can put them on the defensive and can make them feel the friend is trying to rip apart her relationship.

However, if you value a long friendship, pressuring her for half may just help to isolate her more and fracture a strong bond.
It might be that you play the long game and once her relationship is over, you broach the subject of you losing out and she may reimburse you then. That is a big IF though.

Mr5Micawber

This sounds like coercive control or what could develop into it.  Your 'friend' should cetainly reconsider the engagement.  I'd argue that this is going to be a repeat occurrence and you should question, for your own protection, whether she is really, still, a friend.  Not much you can do this time except find someone else to go with and do your own thing with them, or if you can face it, go alone.  Mr FragileConfidence is going to be a nightmare if you try to go around together (with you as gooseberry) so maybe cut your losses if you can't find a new companion.  But don't fall for it again.  If you like your friend maybe be around for her, she's likely to need support in future when she wakes up to what her fiancé is really like, but either way find a new travel companion and better still, find a new BF.  To succumb to blackmail of 'do as I say or the engagement's off' - what is she thinking???? 

derekm85

The friend who has reneged on her promise to go on the trip, should definitely compensate her friend who has been left out of pocket.  There is no doubt about that as it's the right thing to do.
But on the other issue, I'm astounded as the complete rush to judgement over the fiancé's behaviour.  Firstly, we're told nothing about the nature of the trip and very few details are actually given.  Given that this person hasn't posted any details about where they had agreed to go and where they've been travelling to for the last 10 years is quite suspicious.  For instance, if this is an alcohol- fuelled trip to Magaluf or Aya Napa, then I totally understand the fiancé's reluctance to allow his partner to go, particularly if he doesn't totally trust his fiancé's friend or if they've had a history of getting completely drunk and engaging in questionable behaviour on previous holidays.  
For those calling the finance controlling, I wonder how they would feel if their husbands went on a trip to Vegas visiting lap dancing bars?

Grumpy_chap

We have all, including myself, taken the MMD as it has been presented -  that the new partner is being coercive and controlling and alerted the red flags.  Even MSE by adding the domestic abuse support information to the MMD.

There is also a possibility that the new partner is not being so controlling but the friend is migrating from wanting to spend time on girl's week away to wanting to spend time with the new partner.  None of us know whether the real conversation was softer in tone.  Maybe the friend suggested going on the girl's week away, initially agreeable, but then spoke with the new partner who may have said something along the lines of wishing her a happy trip, but they only have four weeks' annual leave in the year so if she spends one week on a girls' trip, that is one week less of quality time the new couple can have away together.  This may have then been relayed to the OP in a "new partner won't let me" phraseology where the truth might be a bit more towards "girl's week has been great, but I'd rather have an extra week with new partner, we only have limited annual leave" but not wanting to come across as letting the OP down.  Maybe the friend thinks that is a softer way to let the OP down as it is not then anything to do with the OP.

I think the OP needs to take the financial hit here, either enjoy the holiday on their own, or find another friend to travel with.  The OP should also be aware of the friend's needs, be there to support the friend if there is a controlling partner (or if the partner ceases to be on the scene).  Being a friend sometimes means sacrifices - a friend who's a friend when you're in need is a friend indeed.

LadyBee_2

I think the simplest way of dealing with this is to show your friend this query by you, and all the comments you have received in response.    Then (hopefully) she will rethink her decisions.    Good luck.

Pollycat

derekm85 said:

The friend who has reneged on her promise to go on the trip, should definitely compensate her friend who has been left out of pocket.  There is no doubt about that as it's the right thing to do.
But on the other issue, I'm astounded as the complete rush to judgement over the fiancé's behaviour.  Firstly, we're told nothing about the nature of the trip and very few details are actually given.  Given that this person hasn't posted any details about where they had agreed to go and where they've been travelling to for the last 10 years is quite suspicious.  For instance, if this is an alcohol- fuelled trip to Magaluf or Aya Napa, then I totally understand the fiancé's reluctance to allow his partner to go, particularly if he doesn't totally trust his fiancé's friend or if they've had a history of getting completely drunk and engaging in questionable behaviour on previous holidays.  
For those calling the finance controlling, I wonder how they would feel if their husbands went on a trip to Vegas visiting lap dancing bars?

Nobody - absolutely nobody has any right whatsoever to refuse to allow their partner to go anywhere, with anyone.
It's 2025!

If my OH wanted to go to Vegas and visit lap-dancing clubs, he can go.
It's called 'trust'.

Alcohol-fuelled trips and questionable behaviour are not excuses to exercise coercive control over a partner.

We're told nothing about the nature of the trip and are given very few details because that is the nature of the best that is MMD.

Every MMD says this:

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. 

No additional details will be posted and no questions will be answered.

MMDs are deliberately reduced by MSE to the few sentences you see in the original post.

derekm85

Pollycat said:

derekm85 said:

The friend who has reneged on her promise to go on the trip, should definitely compensate her friend who has been left out of pocket.  There is no doubt about that as it's the right thing to do.
But on the other issue, I'm astounded as the complete rush to judgement over the fiancé's behaviour.  Firstly, we're told nothing about the nature of the trip and very few details are actually given.  Given that this person hasn't posted any details about where they had agreed to go and where they've been travelling to for the last 10 years is quite suspicious.  For instance, if this is an alcohol- fuelled trip to Magaluf or Aya Napa, then I totally understand the fiancé's reluctance to allow his partner to go, particularly if he doesn't totally trust his fiancé's friend or if they've had a history of getting completely drunk and engaging in questionable behaviour on previous holidays.  
For those calling the finance controlling, I wonder how they would feel if their husbands went on a trip to Vegas visiting lap dancing bars?

Nobody - absolutely nobody has any right whatsoever to refuse to allow their partner to go anywhere, with anyone.
It's 2025!

If my OH wanted to go to Vegas and visit lap-dancing clubs, he can go.
It's called 'trust'.

Alcohol-fuelled trips and questionable behaviour are not excuses to exercise coercive control over a partner.

We're told nothing about the nature of the trip and are given very few details because that is the nature of the best that is MMD.

Every MMD says this:

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. 

No additional details will be posted and no questions will be answered.

MMDs are deliberately reduced by MSE to the few sentences you see in the original post.

I didn't say "refuse your partner to go on the trip".  I said I can understand her fiancé's reluctance to her going on an alcohol- fuelled trip with a less than trustworthy friend if that is indeed what the trip is for.  Unfortunately we are not told where they had agreed to go.  Of course nobody can or should refuse somebody's desire to go on a trip but there is also such a thing as not wanting to make your partner feel insecure or uncomfortable, whether you agree or not.
Yes MMD's are reduced to a few sentences, but stating where the trip will be taking place only takes one word, and the fact that no mention is made seems to be a bit suspicious.
Yes of course there should be trust, but I would also understand if my partner felt uncomfortable about me drinking in lap dancing bars, and despite her trust for me, I wouldn't want her to feel in any way uncomfortable.  That's called respect.  The fact that you allow your husband to go to lap dancing bars is either very open- minded or extremely naive.