Money Moral Dilemma: I booked a trip with a friend but her fiancé won't let her come - what do I do?

Matt8888 · 12 February at 12:11AM

This one seems to be more about your friend and less about you. Discuss it with her and then she needs to then make the decision of whether to come on holiday with you or not. If she chooses not to, she should pay you for anything that is non-refundable for her half of the expense. (If I were her I would tell my partner that I am going on the holiday and that if he leaves her, so be it. If she yields now I guess she will face this kind of ultimatum in her relationship constantly, and it would be better to end things now).

Annette110 · 12 February at 12:14AM

After what he did last year and now threatening to leave if she goes on a previously arranged holiday this year I would say let him leave. Controlling and coercive are two words that spring to mind. Get out now and save yourself the costs of a divorce later on!!!

Marineboy81 · 12 February at 12:15AM

It may well be that your friend is trying to back away from trips away with friends. Sometimes people’s priorities change in relationships and they want to spend more time with their partner than friends. She may find it hard to say this and use the boyfriend as an excuse. I’d back off and leave them to it. Your friendship will survive if it’s healthy for both of you. Their relationship will too if it’s healthy but that’s not your problem. Suck up the financial loss learn a lesson (make others pay their share up front) and take someone else instead or gave an adventure on your own. Enjoy and move forward.

ouraggie · 12 February at 12:30AM

I would not have arranged another holiday with her, given last year’s scenario.

At this stage I would suggest that he goes on this holiday instead of you , but i would insist on having the money before any name changes etc are made.

There would be no more holidays.

[Deleted User] · 12 February at 12:33AM

The first thing I would like to say is what a very kind and loyal friend you sound. I am so sorry about the situation you have been placed in. The second is what a selfish, immature and thoroughly unreliable pair of individuals your friend and her fiancé sound. The very fact that you have now been left in considerable debt, as well as without a holiday yourself, tells me without a shadow of a doubt that you need to cut not just your losses, but all connections with these two as well. Your friend is clearly allowing her fiancé to walk all over her, but please don’t let them do the same to you - you are worth so much more than that!

sueper · 12 February at 2:57AM

Several years ago, my daughter had planned a 3 month trip to Sri Lanka as a volunteer. Her then boyfriend told her if she went, that would be the end of the relationship. She chose to go anyway. They are now married with 2 children & expecting a 3rd.

Allowing someone to dictate what you can or can’t do is a mug’s game & sets a dangerous precedent imo

Cambsmum · 12 February at 8:01AM

I guess if you want to keep the door open to the friendship you could offer them the holiday. They could buy you out and transfer it to them as a couple. Was it fully discussed before you booked? If she agree then morally she owes you but if she is in an abusive relationship and you care for her, she might need you soon.

gorgeousgirlie · 12 February at 9:45AM

I'm so sorry to have to tell you but you've already lost the money, and your friend, and there isn't anything you can do about it. She has made her choice and I think we both know that chasing her for the money is likely to just make the situation at home more 'difficult' for her.

When this happened to my childhood friend I was at first shocked by how openly awful and controlling he was, but secondly how willingly she went along with it! My beautiful, strong, independent friend was reduced to someone I barely recognised within weeks. I was only ever supportive but he was clearly threatened by our closeness and I think she was embarrassed because she knew I knew what was happening.

I think you should talk to your friend, then enjoy your holiday. Lick your wounds and come to terms with the fact that things have changed. Your friend has moved on and you need to too. If you're strong enough to be a safe space for her if/when she needs it, that would be lovely. But this isn't someone you can afford to make expensive arrangements with anymore. Grieve what you've lost and take care of you.

Pollycat · 12 February at 9:49AM

She should put on her big girl pants, Nike trainers and run for the hills.
Very fast.

"won't let her come"?
What century are we living in?

"Threatened to leave her"?
The originator of this 'dilemma' should Google 'coercive control'.
Then put her big girl pants on and...