What is the expected etiquette for after a funeral?

CruisingSaver

I felt very much the same after my Mum passed away a couple of years ago. In the end we went with a direct cremation and a private scattering of her ashes in the same plot as the rest of her family. I couldn’t face a load of strangers and distant family gawping at mine and my daughter’s grief. 

At the end of the day the funeral is for those left behind who loved the deceased and not some kind of macabre social event!

sillyvixen

Last month I arranged my father in law's wake. We live 220 miles away and had no idea of numbers that would attend. FIL always said not many would! We knew there we 3 of us and a group of 5 traveling by car from our home town,. I arranged a buffet for 20 in a segrgated area in the hotel we were staying at - as it was mid afternoon more sandwiches could be provided if necessary as the restaurant would be not be busy at that time. There were only 15 of us in the end and plenty of food to go round, it was a very generous buffet,every one had plenty to eat and while there was loads left over I would rather over than under cater! They even produced cake boxes for people to pack up food for the journey home. 

Rosa_Damascena

ChasingtheWelshdream said:

We are expecting only a few people for a funeral we are organising (15, maybe 20 at a push) and are wondering what the etiquette is for afterwards? We can either have people back to their house  for some tea and sandwiches, but this feels a little intrusive to be honest. Also the house doesn't really have the space/facilities for everyone to sit and talk in comfort as they were rather reclusive and rarely had visitors. Or we could look at going to a pub/restaurant, but we can't really afford to pay for everyone to eat.

I have seen a local carvery offers a buffet but they need numbers. We don't really want to ask people to confirm if they are coming to the funeral as we don't want to put pressure on anyone to feel they have to commit. Also, without being insensitive, we don't really want to have to spend hours afterwards 'entertaining' people, most of whom we don't really know.

Is there a consensus for what guests would expect to happen? 

For accurate numbers, add a line indicating that you would like mourners to advise in advance of their intention to join you afterwards. It needn't be anything as gluttonous as a fill-your-face Tony Carvery, but you might be pleasantly surprised spending some time with those that had a high regard for the deceased. It's likely you'll discover a different side to them as stories from their younger years are shared. 

People attend primarily because they want to pay their respects, I think it's respectful to look after them in return but they won't be expecting much. I completely agree that you don't need to be worried about looking after people personally whilst you are mourning a loss, though. I used to find any element of "socialising" after a funeral poor form, but over time I have realised that it can provide some comfort after what is a very difficult rite of passage. 

I hope it's not too distressing a day for you all.

Rosa_Damascena

silvercar said:

There are certain people who occupying their retired days by going to funerals, when their connection to the deceased may be best described as minimal. An outing, free food and drink, not having to heat your home and a social gathering makes a more interesting day than otherwise.

In fact a journalist wrote a whole article on it here Created a death announcement in a national newspaper for a fictional character and quite a few people applied for tickets to attend the memorial, inventing stories of their connection to the fictional character!

That is unbelievable! At least The Observer gave this predator a chance to explain. 

Cyclamen

"We (closest family) do not really want a fuss and to remain as private as possible, and our relative wasn't one for socialising. "

The funeral is for the loved ones. If you dont want/ need a send off that is OK.   I would put a little message up by the service saying something such as

Thank you for joining us to say goodbye to X during the service.  Our relative X asked for a quiet service  without a party/ wake / celebration and we wish to respect their wishes so there is no formal event.  If guests would like to meet to reminisce there are local pub/ cafe at  .  Names / immidetiae family will eb withdrawing to grieve in privacy but thank you for coming we know X would appreciate you being here.

If you'd like something it is also OK to state timings.. join us for an hour at X for tea and biscuits/ cake.  

Niv

I had the same situation last year. I found this very thing very very stressful. I dislike waste so didn't want to do food for 50 for only five to turn up etc and also, didn't want people back to my place as I would find it awkward to tell any lingering around to get lost. In the end I hired a small hall which was quite cheap, ordered food (cold buffet) for all the family I knew was coming, plus ex work colleagues plus ' a few' extra - also a few big bags of crisps etc to open if needed. It actually worked out really well (considering). people (non family) didn't hang around too long and all food went. I bought a variety of drinks both alcohol and non (I really over worry about making sure everyone had something they would like), was lots left over which I told family to take away if they drink it.

Jowwie

A relative didn't want any fuss. Unattended cremation and no wake.

What we did was all go to a coffee shop  on the day of cremation and at an agreed time ... but different coffee shops of the same chain depending where we were. The relative was a lover of their coffee! Gave us all some closure whilst respecting the relatives wishes. Nothing stressful to organise.

poppystar

Jowwie said:

A relative didn't want any fuss. Unattended cremation and no wake.

What we did was all go to a coffee shop  on the day of cremation and at an agreed time ... but different coffee shops of the same chain depending where we were. The relative was a lover of their coffee! Gave us all some closure whilst respecting the relatives wishes. Nothing stressful to organise.

I don’t want a funeral but I love that idea - I’m known as the coffee shop person! It sounds a perfect way to celebrate your relative and say your goodbyes🙂. Thanks for sharing.

tooldle

pollypenny said

In Wales people tend to go to funerals out of respect and, in some cases, to support the family. To say it's 'an outing, free food and drink' is insulting and shows little knowledge of tradition. 

Last year in attended the funeral of a wonderful lady who had taught my children and encouraged me in my return to university. Similarly, OH and I attended the funeral of a friend's father last week. In neither case did we go to the following reception. 

Indeed we do. Not so long ago I was at the funeral of a lady who lived in the same care home as my parent. I got chatting to an older chap who did not know the deceased at all. His daughter however did know the deceased, having been a neighbour years ago. His daughter had been living in Dubai for some years. She had asked her Dad to attend on her behalf. This is how things work in Wales. Similar to my colleagues, none of whom knew my mum, wishing to attend her funeral. Mum chose a direct cremation, so no bother on that front. 

Rosa_Damascena

Niv said:

I had the same situation last year. I found this very thing very very stressful. I dislike waste so didn't want to do food for 50 for only five to turn up etc and also, didn't want people back to my place as I would find it awkward to tell any lingering around to get lost. In the end I hired a small hall which was quite cheap, ordered food (cold buffet) for all the family I knew was coming, plus ex work colleagues plus ' a few' extra - also a few big bags of crisps etc to open if needed. It actually worked out really well (considering). people (non family) didn't hang around too long and all food went. I bought a variety of drinks both alcohol and non (I really over worry about making sure everyone had something they would like), was lots left over which I told family to take away if they drink it.

I think you did well, considering that the main objective was to mourn and not cater for strangers.