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What is the expected etiquette for after a funeral?

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  • poppystar
    poppystar Posts: 1,633 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Do what feels good for you. I tied myself in knots trying to do what others expected at my parent’s funeral and also trying to do what I felt they would have wanted. I was carried away with the ‘oughts’. I regret that now as I completely forgot about my own needs and feel I missed something. Having said that I went to see both parents in the funeral home and really that is where each time, in the quiet, I feel I said my real goodbyes. 
  • I think our (my) main worry is those people who have indicated they are coming, when we didn’t actually ‘invite’ them or even proactively provide the funeral details.

    They didn’t have any direct dealings with the deceased other than a couple of fleeting occasions. I can’t fathom the reason other than (a) nosiness or (b) because they feel it is the way things should be, and it is putting me on edge. I know this is my personal issue, but I feel we are now under the spotlight, when prior to this news we were happy to have close relatives back to the house. Now it feels intrusive to have strangers there. 
  • poppystar
    poppystar Posts: 1,633 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    I think our (my) main worry is those people who have indicated they are coming, when we didn’t actually ‘invite’ them or even proactively provide the funeral details.

    They didn’t have any direct dealings with the deceased other than a couple of fleeting occasions. I can’t fathom the reason other than (a) nosiness or (b) because they feel it is the way things should be, and it is putting me on edge. I know this is my personal issue, but I feel we are now under the spotlight, when prior to this news we were happy to have close relatives back to the house. Now it feels intrusive to have strangers there. 
    Totally sympathise with that. My parents were quite social and we booked a buffet for 50 and had 50 orders of service for my mother’s funeral - only to be effectively flash mobbed by oldies! My father and I got no food as it had all been gobbled by the time we got to the table. It’s almost like a badge they have to collect so they can compare how many funerals they’ve been too. The funerals themselves were also compared and my father was not immune to joining in that, claiming we’d had the best funeral that month!? 

    Honestly I think you should stick to close relatives back to the house and anyone else can take themselves off to a pub. It’s totally ok to explain the house is small and, more importantly, you want to be among relatives only at this difficult time. 
  • silvercar
    silvercar Posts: 49,541 Ambassador
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Academoney Grad Name Dropper
    There are certain people who occupying their retired days by going to funerals, when their connection to the deceased may be best described as minimal. An outing, free food and drink, not having to heat your home and a social gathering makes a more interesting day than otherwise.

    In fact a journalist wrote a whole article on it here Created a death announcement in a national newspaper for a fictional character and quite a few people applied for tickets to attend the memorial, inventing stories of their connection to the fictional character!
    I'm a Forum Ambassador on the housing, mortgages & student money saving boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Forum Ambassadors are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with this). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.
  • Marcon
    Marcon Posts: 14,413 Forumite
    Ninth Anniversary 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    I think our (my) main worry is those people who have indicated they are coming, when we didn’t actually ‘invite’ them or even proactively provide the funeral details.

    They didn’t have any direct dealings with the deceased other than a couple of fleeting occasions. I can’t fathom the reason other than (a) nosiness or (b) because they feel it is the way things should be, and it is putting me on edge. I know this is my personal issue, but I feel we are now under the spotlight, when prior to this news we were happy to have close relatives back to the house. Now it feels intrusive to have strangers there. 
    Funerals aren't the same as, say, a wedding - there isn't a formal invitation/RSVP procedure, so as many of us have found, you've got little hope of predicting numbers ahead of time. It's clearly upsetting you and taking your focus off the really important part of the day - saying farewell to a loved one.

    Could you consider having 'just' the funeral on the day, with a 'commemorative' lunch (or afternoon tea) at a later date for those you choose to invite? Or if you feel you have to offer something post-funeral, have you asked if a local pub could cordon off an area for you and other funeral goers, with unlimited tea, coffee and squash (which you'd pay for), plus a cash bar for those who feel alcohol is essential? 


    Googling on your question might have been both quicker and easier, if you're only after simple facts rather than opinions!  
  • Torry_Quine
    Torry_Quine Posts: 18,872 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    You don't have to do anything after the funeral.  
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
  • We had a private family burial, returning to the house afterwards, but only close family were invited so we knew exact numbers.
    A month later we had a service of thanksgiving, to which all were welcome. Light refreshments were available in the church hall afterwards. About 100 came. As it was 2 pm we did not feel obliged to offer more than tea and cake. It worked well all round.
  • Sorry for your loss. I had to arrange my mum's funeral recently.  Numbers was difficult.  We erred on the side of ordering more than we thought needed, and any left we gave to some people or took back to the house.  We had a caterer provide a buffet at a local community centre (which also has a bar).  We provided tea and coffee, and people could also buy their own drinks should they wish to.  Hope this helps
  • ladyholly
    ladyholly Posts: 3,920 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    For both my sister (5years ago) and my birother in law we had a direct cremation with no atendees and no wake of any kind. This is what they wanted and took all the pressure off everyone. Some older friends were shocked but that was their problem. Do what you want. If you dont want to do anything after the funeral then people should respect your wishes. If you do want to do something it only needs to be very simple. Have you thought of hiring a church hall or similar and as someone suggested sandwich platters from supermarket with perhaps a bit of cake and tea and coffee.
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